Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Starry starry night....

I bring this post to you a tired but very happy Ruby
Yesterday was a lovely day
It started early 
I had a quick cuppa before going down to meet sister number two
We left her house at about ten
And picked up my nephew from his Dad's on the way
Then we headed out to the equestrian centre
The centre is about an hour from my door to their door
But I enjoy it so much 
I don't mind the journey at all
The pony camp was on this week
And myself and my nephew arrived at about 11am to help out
There were about ten kids 
I was watching them ride 
And they were amazing!
Theses kids were from age 6 - 12
And they were well able to ride 
I was seriously impressed
There were a lot of helpers there today 
Do there wasn't a whole lot of work for myself and Oisin
But we helped where we could 
Leading the horses 
Giving the kids lunch 
But there was a lot of hanging around
To be honest 
I felt a bit out of my depth 
There were so many people there 
A lot of strong personalities 
And I kind of felt like I was being really quiet and awkward 
I was having a cuppa with the owner
And another girl who is a stunt rider
I felt like a meek little mouse 
My confidence is definitely something I need to work on 
Don't get me wrong 
I loved being there today 
I just felt like I wasn't being myself 
I have to remember 
I am only going a few weeks
And I am working on my confidence and self esteem 
I am
A work in progress 

At about 2pm
We got to ride 
Two of the men from my group also came 
I was so delighted to finally get up and ride
Oisin also got to ride 
He was led around 
And he got to trot
He did so well
I got to canter today 
Which was amazing!
One of the lads called Daniel led me
And I felt like I was going so fast 
I had this big grin on my face
And it felt exhilarating!
Eilis said she will do more with me next week
So that's something to look forward to 
It's all about baby steps 
Growing and improving each week
Oisin loved the place 
Being with the animals 
And being around others who live animals too
It was lovely to do something just be and my nephew 
Animals are something that we really bond over
It's our thing 
And that is very special
And apparently I am going to be in a horse show in May 
I don't know what I have to do
Or what it's all about 
But I'm sure it will all become clear in time 
I just can't think about it
Or there's no way I'll be able to do it
The lesson finished at about 3pm
I was on Star as usual 
He is my bestie now 
I love him 
He's so patient and gentle 
And I think he mirrors me well

Food presented a bit of a problem today
I had brought a sandwich 
But it turned out that they made chips and sausages there 
I took a plate but coul barely eat any of it
When one of the little boys started crying they he had no sausages 
I gave him mine
So I just had a couple of chips
It was all I could stomach
It was a long day
And to be honest 
I was glad to hit the road for home
I'm just not used to being around so many new people 
And I can be quite shy and quiet
I'm hoping my confidence will improve 
As I don't like being a wall flower 
Eilis tells me my confidence will come on
I hope she is right 
On the way home 
We went to Homeland
Home land is this amazing store
It has a pet centre 
A groomers 
A garden centre 
And loads of DIY stuff and the like 
I picked up food for the dogs
And food for my neighbours dog too
After that 
We made our way home
I felt exhausted 
But still high on adrenaline may the same time
I thought back over the day 
And thought of incidents where I could have been a bit more sociable or chatty 
But look
I did my best 
I will never be loud or brash
It's just not in me
But I hope people will give me a chance 
Because I will eventually feel comfortable around you
And it will be worth the wait 
I promise you that 

I didn't take my meds this morning
As I wanted to be alert and lucid for the day
Usually on my way to the centre 
I fall asleep in the seat
But today I was very lucid and awake
I did feel different having not taken it
I felt hyper alert and sensitive
And had a lot more energy I found
I took it the minute I got home
And instantly felt relaxed 
That is probably a psychological thing 
Just knowing that I've taken it makes me feel better 
Today was great though 
To spend a day doing something I love is an absolute joy 
And to come home and feel naturally tired is so great
I sleep so well these nights 
And I know it's because I am more active 
Even though I am just sitting on the horse 
It is still hard work 
Hard but so enjoyable 
I would love to do more 
Heck I would love to ride every day if I could 
Hopefully during the summer I can do it more frequently 
Horse riding has really captured my attention and imagination 
It's something I wish I had done more of over the years 
Better late than ever right?

We are getting some work done on our bathroom this week
So there are two men here working 
One of the men is called Pat
We have known him since we moved here ten years ago 
He often does jobs around our house 
We were having a cup of tea yesterday 
And he reminded me of what I used to be like 
He said he would call in to the house 
And I would be passed out on the living room floor 
From drinking vodka and abusing my meds 
He used to try to help me 
But I wouldn't listen to him at all
He said that there is such a difference in me now 
And it's true 
I've worked hard to get to place where I am happy and healthy 
Granted sometimes it's two steps forward and one back 
But the important thing is to keep moving in the right direction 
Every morning 
I ask my higher power to help me get through the day without hurting myself or anyone else
And be thankful that night
Horse riding is helping me change my life 
And I just know it will help me with my confidence and self esteem 
Eilis is the lady who runs the place she never asks me about my conditions 
But I would live to tell her about my history 
Of drugs and ED
Just to let her know why I am the way I am
And I am trying to get my life back on track
But she is always so busy 
So it's hard to get a quiet word with her
But I'm sure I will
When the time is right 
I am so paranoid though
I was thinking that they all thought I was the weird quiet girl with piercings in her face
But again
That is my head telling me that 
And my head is not a reliable source of information
But I will keep going
Keep pushing myself to get out and about and live my life 
Push through the fear and the anxiety 
And do the things I want to do 
I think it's so important to move outside our comfort zones 
And do something that tests us and challenges us
Other wise we don't grow and thrive 
I have Mary to thank for hooking me up with Eilis and the horses
Mary works with a girl called Sam
And Sam goes to the centre 
And put the word out about people with mental health issues riding 
Sam was there my first day riding 
And Eilis told me today that she will he there next week
It will be good to see her 
And show her how far I've come

I will leave you here 
I'm going to take it easy today 
And get my strength back 
Hope all is well in your world 
See you in the next post....


  1. I'm so happy for you that you got to canter! There's no better feeling that the wind hitting your face as you and the horse become one. xoxo

    1. It was truly amazing Annie
      I felt so free
      I can't wait to do more

      Just sent you an email Hun
      Talk soon x

  2. Congrats on your first show!! Your instructor sounds really nice. One of the reasons I quit lessons was my instructor. Sydney was a raving lunatic. She looked exactly like Agent Scully and was prone to lots of yelling and screaming.

  3. Hey rubs I haven't written for a while but been reading to catch up on your world...well done for managing your sandwich vs. sausage n chips situation, you've handled it brilliantly ! I find party food and shared lunches etc. a challenge...I don't avoid them anymore but there's only a handful of times when I managed to not systematically but unnoticeably stuff my face and bow out so I can go and find an opportunity to throw up... only times when I was ok when out socially eating was when I simply had tooo much of a good time to want to voluntarily cloud my brain witn upcoming sad and arrogant it is that I choose food over satisfying social interaction. I mean why don't I try harder and give other options of fulfilment a chance ? Ooh I know it's been 20 years now and it does the job... all the rational part of me is screaming for a change but the low self esteem part is whispering I can't push through strong enough and am destined to tolerate ED forever? I'm so over it Goddammit. Sorry for being glass half empty than half full kind of girl, today anyways....cheers and keep up the fight, for all of us who are eating the dirt at the moment take care k xxx

  4. I love reading about you and the horses. It seems like it's been a real turning point for you, working with them. It's just great to see your true passions shining through.

    Love <3 xxxx


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