Thursday, 24 March 2016

Thursday

I've been finding it really difficult to blog this week
I've been experiencing a kind of bloggers block
I just haven't been able to string a coherent sentence together
And I've been avoiding blogger 
There isn't anything wrong as such 
I just don't feel one hundred percent myself 
I feel really tired 
Emotional 
Not present in my own body or mind 
I feel like I don't fit in 
Anywhere 
Not in my own family 
Not at the meetings 
The only place that I'm really enjoying at the moment is with the horses 
I just feel so at home 
And so free when I am up on Star
Like nothing else matters at that moment 
As you know 
I ride with a group of MS sufferers 
And we all leave our troubles at the door 
And just have fun 
Enjoy each other's company
As well as the horses 
There is such a lovely atmosphere there 
And everyone has a lovely time 
Next week 
I am going to help with the pony camp for kids 
And my nephew is coming with me too
We are going to work for the day 
And then have a lesson in the afternoon
So that is something to look forward to 

Apart from that glorious day once a week 
When I forget about my troubles 
Things are tough 
I saw Mary this morning 
It was a long and tough session
We covered a lot 
Family issues
Food 
And of course weight 
She weighed me 
I didn't look 
But then as always 
I asked her what it was 
I had gained one kilo in the last couple of weeks 
Even though it's small amount 
I still had a bad reaction to it 
And immediately began to withdraw and close up
Mary is convinced it's muscle 
As I am a lot more active 
It could be I guess 
But I just wasn't open to suggestion at that point 
It's not so much that fact that I gained a kilo
It's more the fear that I will continue to carry on gaining like this 
And spin out  of control 
We talked about my anxiety around numbers 
They are just numbers Mary said 
But having measured my worth in pounds and ounces for so long
It's hard to escape that prison
That rigid way of thinking 
And the thing is 
Before Mary weighed me this morning 
I felt alright in my body
I bought a new pair of size 8 trousers yesterday 
And I felt I looked something approaching decent 
It was only when Mary weighed me that I had my little meltdown 
Those bloody numbers are the Bain of my life 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
How you made peace with the numbers in your life?
If yes
How did you do that?
Do you think we should weigh in recovery?
Why do you think that ?
Answers on a postcard please....

11 comments:

  1. it is nice that you are blogging again! what i find sad reading your story is that it doesn't seem so long ago at all since you had a much healthier attitude to the numbers -- it never seemed completely healthy, but you were for a long while very comfortable with a healthier weight and a healthier bmi. You still measured yourself too much in clothes sizes and things, but you seemed happier and more at peace with it all. I hope you can find your way back to that -- it really is not so long ago. Take care, X

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been suffering from blogger's block too. I wondered where you went for a few days. :) Missed seeing your updates.

    I feel the same way about numbers, I have to avoid the scale. That blasted number can make or break my day...which is a little sad, really. I think that weighing in recovery should only happen in a clinical setting when it's necessary for health monitoring. I'm still working on making peace with the numbers. At the moment I'm staying away from the scale and I'm not counting calories. Every time my mind veers toward those things, I redirect it and remind myself of the truth that those numbers don't define anything about who I really am.

    Ruby, you are beautiful! Inside and out! That number on the scale means nothing. You do have outward beauty, but you also have a beautiful mind and heart. When it's hard for you to believe these things, then believe your friends, family and readers when we tell you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw thank you SW
      That really is sweet of you to say
      I appreciate your kind words
      Thank you x

      Delete
  3. how i made peace with them? i was tired of the alternative, and i decided to give healthy according to what the doctors say a real chance. people had always told me about letting my body find its own set point, about anything up to ca.25 being healthy, and possibly even slightly over that in recovery, and i had never really given it a chance. i had just got scared every time i got anywhere near healthy. why not give it a try? why not let go? i think i was tired of the alternative, which led only to dark places, and finally willing to just stop fighting my body and trust that what they said was true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's my goal
      To make peace with my own body
      We have been at war for far too long now
      There are no winners
      Only losers x

      Delete
  4. I can't claim to have experienced your struggle. But I'm rooting for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good to visit your site as a part of my A to Z visits. My theme Blog Promotion
    Welcome to A to Z April Blogging Challenge 2016 - Co-Participant - Nrao - NRao Blogs
    @knoltweet
    NRao Blogs - 2016 A to Z Challenge Blog Posts
    Management Theory Review

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope you have noticed the link between feeling so low and being horrified with your weight. Focusing on something physical is easier to deal with the thoughts you're having. You know from the past that when you're a lower weight it helps numb the emotions. If it didn't work, you wouldn't have used it. But as an outsider, reading your blog from the beginning I see how counter-productive it is. Last summer your posts were the most positive I've seen and yet your weight was in the healthy range. You turn to ED behaviours when you're feeling low but yet the low weight is keeping your mood. I believe you can push passed the distress and allow your body to settle where it should be naturally. You did it last year. I know it wasn't perfect but it was a massive improvement to the last few months and you can do it again. If it makes you feel any better, my ED team regards anything under bmi 20 as underweight. xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. You know the answer. I know you do. The numbers control you because you let them. Tell the numbers to feck off. No more weights or measures, no more knowing the numbers, and you take another step to getting well. Keep checking the numbers, and you cannot cross that roadblock between the ED and recovery.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x