Monday, 7 March 2016


I know I say it every Monday morning
But the weeks are just whizzing by
A bit too fast for my liking 
But as they say
Time waits for no man
Or something to that effect
Yesterday was Mothering Sunday 
We got my mum a candle and a mug
As well as a little creamer and sugar bowl
We had dinner in the house 
Then watched a movie
I hate Sunday's 
But as they go
It was a nice one 
Then up this morning for my appointment at nine
My sister was with me
As she had an appointment too with Nice Woman Doctor
I went to check in 
The receptionist told me that my usual doctor wasn't there 
So they put me on Nice Woman Doctors list
I was disappointed that he wasn't there this morning 
As I wanted to know what he thought of the piece of writing I gave him
That will have to wait until next week 

Nice Woman Doctor called me in pretty much straight away
I followed her to her room
And took a seat
The first thing she said to me was that the strain has gone from my face 
That I look more relaxed
And asked me how I was doing 
I explained that things had improved since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago
I filled her in about the horses 
The job I will start in May 
And going back to meetings 
She asked me how my food was going
I told her it was a lot better 
And haven't purged in a few days
Today is actually day 5
I miscounted yesterday 
The doctor filled out my script
And I went on my way 
My sister also had an appointment with her this morning
Straight after me 
So I headed up to the pharmacy 
The usual pharmacist is back from maternity leave
I welcomed her back 
And tried to make conversation
But she was so cold
Answering in me word answers 
I got my meds 
And went back to my car to wait for my sister 

In other news 
My scale tell me that I have put on ten pounds since last week
I asked members of my family to stand on it to see if they were getting incorrect readings 
For each of them 
It gAve a misreading
My clothes also don't feel any tighter 
And I don't think I look any different
So I'm thinking my scale is wrong
I mean 
Is it even possible to put on ten pounds in a week?
I'm not so sure 
To be honest 
I don't mind gaining a little weight
I have a few pounds to play around with 
And anyway 
I would rather weigh a little more and feel good 
RAther than be underweight and miserable 
I don't even like the skinny, too thin look anymore 
I used to
I used to like stick arms and legs 
A huge head on a tiny body
Big hollow eyes 
Sunken cheekbones 
Sharp collar bones and hip bones 
Looking like death warmed up 
I now prefer the curvy look
A bit of shape 
With soft curves and a healthy glow
I like when I gave a bit of weight on 
My boobs Are bigger
My thighs have shape
And my bum fills my jeans 
There is nothing wrong in looking like a woman 
A healthy and happy woman
Being severely underweight
Is wearing your pain on your body
Often times we can't find words to express how we feel 
So we use our bodies to do it
No one who is living in an emaciated body is happy 
I guaruntee you that
But I do wish that my weight would settle 
It's pretty traumatic how my weight fluctuates so much 
If it stayed in or around a healthy weight
Then at least I could get used to my body 
The way it yo-yos up and down doesn't give me a chance to get used to my body at a particular weight
My goal weight in treatment was 54kg
Which just about puts me in the healthy range 
I'm a bit off that yet
To be honest 
I would be perfectly happy with that weight
And I think it's when I look my best 
My weight has gone up to 60-62kg in recent times 
And I'm not as comfortable at that weight
And I don't think it suits me
But in reality 
Weight does not matter 
The number does not matter 
As long as I'm not drastically under or over weight 
Then I am doing ok 
I am ok 

I am loving my new piercing 
And the reaction it is getting 
I feel like I've been bitten by the bug now 
And can't wIt to get another one done 
I'm not quite sure yet 
Maybe a few in my ear 
Or my belly button 
I do feel like I am living my twenties at the moment 
When I was on my twenties 
I was otherwise engaged 
What with a raging opiate addiction
And a life threatening ED
So effectively I missed my twenties 
And am now doing all the things I never did but wanted to do
It's fun 
It's exciting 
And I'm really enjoying it 

So that it from me today 
Happy Monday everyone
And see you on the next post....


  1. Ah, the piercing bug... I have also been held hostage by the tattoo faery and am thinking of getting another one (my fifth). Plus that Medusa piercing that I really want, that my boyfriend refuses to allow me :D

    Five days purge free, I am so happy that things are heading in the right direction! You go , gurl!

  2. Oh no CP
    It's your body
    And your life
    You should be able to do as you please
    Some members of my family were really opposed to my piercing
    But they will get over it
    And get used to it
    It just takes a little time x

  3. It's not possible to gain 10 pounds of real weight in a week, but it's definitely possible that your body is in flux as it tries to adjust to having proper hydration and electrolytes because you are not purging. Even if your body does change, that's not a bad thing, and it also doesn't mean it's permanent.

    1. I hope so Tempest
      I am so uncomfortable at the moment
      So bloated and feeling so full
      But I trust it will sort itself out
      I just need to be patient x

  4. You look and sound happy enjoy the moment, dont take notice of the wcales as others say prob fluid adjustments from not purging. You are looking great with new jewellery. Take care el xxĺie

    1. Thanks Ellie
      That's what I'm trying to do
      To go by how I feel rather than how I look or what I weigh
      It's hard
      But I know it will be worth it x

  5. My weight has been all over the place since I started treatment. I am down 29 lbs since September. I am weighed every week and it's crazy how it changes. One week there was an 11 lb gain, and another a 7 lb loss. I am doing nothing differently, but chemo does bad things to your body.

    Hugs to you, and congrats on your five days of freedom.

    1. Hello JJ,
      Good to hear from you

      I hope you are doing ok
      And that chemo is helping despite Al the side effects
      You are a strong lady
      Of that I have no doubt
      And thank you for your kind words
      They mean a lot x

  6. Have you thought about getting rid of the scale again? You've made truly huge strides even just over the last few days, but from your writing it sounds like you're still focusing a lot on the numbers. Your weight and the numbers don't matter. You need to feel comfortable just being you as you are, not comfort that is still tied to a number. Maybe talk to Mary about it? Ask if she would weigh you without you seeing the number and without her telling you the number, just so someone is making sure you're not losing weight.

    Get as many piercings as you want. I've always thought they looked cool, same as I always thought tons of tattoos look cool. I hope we get to see the general public's acceptance of both in our lifetimes. Most people in the office don't give a crap that their lawyer's secretary has a bunch of tattoos, but every once in a while there's someone who gives me that disapproving stare. If I had the money tho, I'd be covered. I'd really love 3/4 sleeves on both arms...


Thank you for leaving some love x