Tuesday, 8 March 2016


I'm almost a week purge free
And that is great
Nothing short of a small miracle
But I have to be honest
It's not easy
Not one little bit
I'm trying to eat proper meals and snacks
I have one slice of toast in the morning
Maybe soup for lunch
And whatever is going for dinner
I would eat a big portion
As it wouldn't be staying down 
So it didn't matter how much I ate
But now 
I have to be more mindful and more careful with my portions
And I must admit 
I have been avoiding carbs
As hey make me feel way too full
I guess that my stomach has shrunk over the years 
And now any amount of food is uncomfortable
I feel like I am eating 
But the food isn't going any where
It's just sitting in my gut 
Take yesterday for example 
We were having chips and fish fingers and beans for dinner
I had four fish fingers and a small portion of beans 
No chips 
As I knew they would fill me up completely 
Even though I only had a small portion for dinner 
The whole evening long I felt so full
So bloated 
And so uncomfortable 
This is exactly the reason why I purged so much 
Because I couldn't handle the full feeling
And now I am feeling full all day
It's doing my head in!

Last night 
I felt like I was losing the plot I was in so much discomfort 
My mother suggested that I drink some hot water and lemon
And use a hot water bottle 
The lemon drink did help
The discomfort subsided 
And it felt like the food was moving along
I went to bed early 
As I was wiped out
I woke up in the middle of the night 
And had the worlds longest wee
Then another one early morning
And another one when I got up
So I'm thinking that I was retaining water 
And the lemon drink helped my digestion
I knew this would happen 
I knew there would be a period of time when my body was readjusting to not making it purge several times a day
And I know it will settle down 
When my body gets used to having food inside it 
I just need to be patient 
And ride it out

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit 
I am almost one third of the way there 
I have had horrendous cravings to purge 
To get the food out of my stomach 
To feel empty
But I am determined not to purge 
I have very valid reasons too
I want to keep my teeth in good shape 
I don't want to get an infection in my lip
I can't afford to keep up with the amount of food I was eating 
And for my general health and 
Well being 
Not to mention the freedom and peace of mind that comes with a life without bulimia/anorexia
It's just not worth it 
And as for my weight
I'm just going to have to suck thTttttat up too
I just can't wait for the bloating to subside 
I feel like I am full of air
Like if you stuck a pin in me
I would deflate and fly around the room like a balloon 

I just hope this passes soon 
I can't take much more......


  1. I would wager that it's going to take a white for your body to readjust to digestion in a normal fashion, don't you think? If you were purging so frequently, I'm also guessing you weren't having normal bowel movements (sorry if this is too much)... it would make sense to me that it's similar to when you take laxatives habitually... it messes with a normal digestive process and you must be patient while it heals and finds your new normal.

    That being said... I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU. Not purging for this long is an amazing, big step forward into your recovery. I am confident that if you stick with it, you'll learn to feel typical sensations of "fullness" and no longer be uncomfortable/your body will adjust and digest like a regular gal and it won't be as much of an issue. Hooray for nourishing yourself!

    Huge, big, enormous hugs my dear.

    Oh, and I bought Irish daffodils at the grocery store on Sunday and of course I thought of you :)

    1. That's exactly it Hun
      My body is not used to feeling food inside of it
      For years I have purged every little thing that I ate
      So I guess it will be uncomfortable at first
      It's mostly in the evenings
      But I find hot water and lemo
      And a hot water bottle help
      Ease the pain

      Aw thanks Hun
      It means a lot
      You are a star
      A big shiny bright beautiful star x

  2. Like she said^ the purging took its toll on your body; it won't heal in a hurry. It will take time to learn how to digest properly. And in time, you probably won't have such negative feelings over feeling full, especially if you're eating small portions and avoiding carbs.

    It will pass. Before long, you shall wear your food-baby with pride like the rest of us.:D We had Chinese food last night, I looked like I was expecting twins when we were done.

    1. Ha!!
      Yes that is how I felt
      Nine mOnths pregnant!
      Mich I am just trying to be patient and ride this out
      I know it will pass
      I just need to hang in there x

  3. KEEP GOING! You're doing so well, even if you don't feel it, you're doing so well! I'm here for you if there's anything I can do to help, please reach out xxxxx

    1. Thanks Annie
      I appreciate it
      And don't worry
      I will keep going
      I promise x

  4. hi ruby, i was told that every pound of stored energy (glycogen?) in your liver is bound up with 3lbs of water . when you are purging you are losing salts and not retaining carbs, this is why you lose loads in the first week of dieting, its not fat and it will sort itself out. weigh a pint of water see how heavy it is! also even if i starve all day and then have salty soup you weigh more but stop the salt and its gone in a day. drink lots water and eat lots cucumber you are doing great! lm
    sure it will get easier jo xx

    1. Thanks for this Jo
      Really made me feel better
      I am not eating enough to gain
      So it has to be fluids
      And I feel so bloated too
      I am drinking hot water and lemon at the moment
      To ease things along
      It seems to be helping

      How are you doing?
      Hope all well x

    2. Also dandelion tea is relly good x

  5. it will be a steep learning curve but in order to feel good in the long term you wilo have to ride it out. this is going to do you more good than you can ever dream. i know you can do it BUT it will be hard at first
    love shelby xoxo

    1. Thanks Shelby
      It is hard
      So freakin hard
      But I am determined to beat this thing
      I just have to x

  6. it will get better, and in the end you will never regret it, you'll be so, so glad, and so proud, that you rode it out.

  7. i believe in you. and so does Mary. and so does your Mum. and so do hundreds of readers. Most importantly, somewhere, deep down, I think you believe in you too. Stay with that, and one day you will be SO glad.

    1. Thank you
      That means a lot to know I have such great support
      I couldn't do this without it x

  8. Can totally relate to the unbearable bloat. These days I'm either hungry or 'fat' (well bloated), with no middle ground, which sucks.

    It does ease after a while, trust me! I used to be mistrustful of 'cooked food' because I always got violent stomach cramps afterwards. Those did pass though. I think it was because my diet consisted of bread and cake and nothing else, so I wasn't used to anything more complex.

    A week is awesome, and keep up the hard work. You deserve so much better :)


  9. This is a big deal and you WILL get used to it. Your body will get used to functioning normally. Stick with it. If you stop now it will only make it harder to get at it again. I'm really glad for you that you are making this effort.


Thank you for leaving some love x