Thursday, 10 March 2016

Thursday

So near
And yet so far
I had almost reached a full week purge free
Alas 
After eating a bowl of pasta yesterday evening 
I broke my streak 
It was actually two bowls of pasta
I made spaghetti bolognase for dinner
I gave myself a modest portion
And half way through 
I decided that I'd had enough 
And put it in the fridge
Later on
About two hours later
I decided I would have the rest of the pasta
I can't say I was hungry exactly
At least not physically hungry
Maybe emotionally hungry
The second I had it eaten 
I knew I was in trouble 
But instead of asking my family for help
Or trying to distract myself 
I headed to the bathroom
And did the dirty deed 
The relief felt good
But it was fleeting 
Immediately I felt guilty
Annoyed 
Frustrated 
I had been so looking forward to telling Mary that I had gone a whole week without purging 
But it wasn't to be 

But 
Today is a new day. 
And a chance to get back on track 
I started off my day walking Lea
Honey elects to stay at home sometimes
We had a lovely walk
Then it was time for me to go and see Mary
Today I was seeing her in a town further afield 
In the new primary care centre
I get anxious going to new places
But 
I found it ok
And got parked nearby
I headed up to the second floor 
Where Mary told me her room was 
I settled in to a seat in the room
And Mary asked me how the past week has been 
I told her about all the good things 
The horses 
Helping out at the Easter camps
Meetings 
And of course starting to get a handle on the purging 
She seemed genuinely delighted for me
And to be making progress at long last is exciting 
We chatted for a while
Until she asked me if I had been weighing
I was honest 
And said I had a couple of times 
But the thing is
My mum and sister maintain that my scale is giving a false reading 
And weighing too high
According to my calculations
I have gained ten pounds in little more than a week
Anyway 
So Mary weighed me on her scales 
And it said I had gained two kilos 
So my own scale is wrong 
I was delighted to only have put on two kilos 
As I was convinced that I had gained more 
And anyway 
I could do with a couple of kilos 
So it's all good 

So 
Today is day 1 again
I can learn from my mistakes yesterday
And use that going forward
I am excited to be purge free
I know I don't need to explain to you how much it means to me to stop this behaviour 
I've been purbing every single day since I was 19
Even in treatment I couldn't stop
Couldn't even get one day
It was just another part of my day
Eat 
Purge
Eat 
Purge
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom 
For the longest time
I didn't believe that I could stop
I was resigned to the fact that purging would be a part of my life forever
But now 
Now I believe that I can stop
That it is possible to have a life post ED
I have given up harder things in the past 
So why not purging too?
And I am already feeling the benefit of not purging 
Despite the uncomfortable feeling and bloating 
I had more energy 
Wasn't so pale and wan looking 
My hair and nails and skin improved 
And I generally felt better about myself 

So 
Today is a fresh start
I know to avoid very filling foods at the moment
Such as pasta
Rice 
Potatoes 
For now 
Eventually I am sure I will be able to re introduce them again
And eat a varied diet 
It's such a relief though
Not to be piling on the weight
Purging kept my weight low  
And now I'm sure my body is rehydrating 
And working the way it should 
Two kilos is not much 
And that's clothes 
Without clothes it's probably only one kilo or so
I am happy to maintain my weight at this 
A BMI of just over 18
I can live with that 
In fact I can live with anything up to 20
But 
As ever 
It's not the number that is important 
Or how I look 
What I weigh
The important thing is to be healthy and happy 
And I feel something approaching these two things 
And that my friends
Is a minor freakin' miracle

I really wanted to share this with you today
Because I want you to know that recovery is possible 
That there is life after anorexia/bulimia 
There is hope 
There is recovery there for you and me
It's right in front of us 
We just need to reach out and grab
There is the danger of falling 
But that's ok
We can get up 
Dust ourselves off 
And continue on
Fall down seven times 
Get back up eight 
I am a firm believer in that 
So today 
Please 
Know that there is hope 
There is a life for you 
A life that is ED free 
Addiction free 
Self harm free
Believe me when I say that together we can beat our demons 
Together we can build a better life
We can recover 
We can reach our hopes and dreams 
It is possible 
I promise you that 

So today 
I urge you to step outside your comfort zone 
Push the boundaries 
Take a risk 
A risk in life 
You won't regret it
You won't be sorry 
We will get there 
I just know we will
Are you with me???

12 comments:

  1. Ruby I'm proud of you, changing a way of life is not easy but possible. I've seen a great change in you over the past few years... I see hope in you and your writing. Keep starting each day with good thoughts... have a really great day xox ♡

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  2. I'm with you!! I get caught up sometimes in thinking that my recovery needs to look perfect. Progress, not perfection, you know? I'm so glad you shared this victory with us.

    One of the things I have committed to doing is to "say yes" more often. It puts me out of my comfort zone...but it also puts me smack dab in the middle of living life. :) I woke up in a drab mood, so I'm grateful for this reminder today.

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    1. Yes that's amazing!
      It's like that film with Jim Carey where he can only say yes
      I think it's a great idea though
      I hope life opens up for you through but saying yes I might even try it myself! X

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  3. I'm with you always and forever, looking up to you as my inspiration xxxxxxx

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    1. Aw Annie you are sweet
      And I am here for you too my dear x

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  4. 5 steps forwards 1 back, you will get there like this, forget it and start fresh, love you lots jo xx

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  5. That's exactly it Jo!
    But as long as I keep moving forward

    How are you?
    How is puppy too? X

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    1. yes good full of beans! x

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  6. i think though that you will eventually have to talk to mary about your "ideal weight" and what that means to you. there's nothing wrong with looking nice but at this stage, weights and numbers will have to take a back seat because there will be a lot of fluctuations and your health really has to more important. Thw trouble is the "ideal weight" keeps changing and will become like the "navy trousers".

    i think you should focus on small portions of nutrient dense food keep it down and remind yourself at all times you need it for your health.

    Your body will thank you.

    I will also add that as you have a more productive life, you will not care so much about the way you look on the outside.

    Hope this helps ruby. you've done so wonderfully well so far! you're amazing really.

    shelby

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    1. Thanks Shelby
      Yes
      Weight has to take a back seat
      You are right
      As long as I am fit and healthy
      As long as I have energy and feel good
      I don't have to put a number on my happiness
      None of us do
      As I often say
      I will go by how I feel
      Rather than how I look

      Thanks for your support Shelby x

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  7. ^I agree with Shelby. At this point in your recovery, I think weights and BMIs will do nothing but give the ED something to hold onto. Get rid of the scale and the navy trousers. Be ignorant of your weight and your BMI and everything else until you're ready. And accept that you might never be ready (I don't think I ever will, but I'm ok with that).

    I hope you don't think of this purge as a setback. Honestly I'd be floored if you managed to just stop the purging cold turkey and never go back. Only one in a million can quit something without slip-ups. I "quit" smoking over a week ago, but I've still had the odd cigarette. It will take time. You made it nearly a week. This time you'll make more than a week. Or even more than that. On and on until you've gone so long without purging you've stopped counting. If you can kick opiates to the curb, you can do this.

    xo

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Thank you for leaving some love x