Saturday, 19 March 2016


I was in the supermarket the other day
When I met a woman that I hadn't seen in a while 
She reached out to my face 
And said I looked like I was filling out
I waited for the horror of these words to wash over me
I bit my lip in case I began to lose my shit
I smiled 
And said thank you 
I don't know why I thanked her
But I couldn't think of anything else to say
I moved on 
The smile still plastered on my face 
And held my breath in anticipation of a complete meltdown 
But you know what?
It never happened 
The shit storm never happened
I registered the words for what they were 
Someone wanting to give me a compliment 
Someone being kind
And acknowledging that I am getting well
If someone had said that to me a year ago
I would have just lost my shit altogether 
It wouldn't have just ruined my day
It would've ruined my whole life 
This time 
This time I was able to take the words in the spirit in which they were intended
And that my friends 
Is progress

I haven't been weighing myself in recent times 
I've just been going how I feel 
My clothes still fit 
I don't feel like they are too small or too big 
And I've been feeling pretty ok
This morning I had a massive urge to know what I weighed 
So I pulled my old dusty scales out from under the drawers 
And tentatively stepped on
The numbers flashed 
Then settled
BMI : 18
I can handle that 
I can live with that 
I would be more than happy if my weight stAyed   here 
Give or take a few pounds 
How I wish that I didn't give a shit
How I wish that weight and numbers meant nothing to me
That the scales was not the be all and end all 
How I wish I liked and accepted my body
My self 
Even just part of myself 
I don't know you guys 
I hope it gets  better 
Tell me it does
Promise me....


  1. I know I've said this before, but that scale is a ball and chain around your ankle. A BMI of 18 is extremely low, and "being ok" with that is the ED making your decisions for you. I've been reading your blog for a long long time, and I honestly do not think you will ever be free of this thing if the scale is still allowed to have power over you. You were doing your best when you weren't weighing a few months ago.

    Like you've said before, you tend to lean towards the all-or-nothing mentality, and that applies to that stupid effing scale. As long as it stays, so does the ED. Some people can weigh themselves after recovery, some people never can again. You might be able to weigh yourself again at some point, but right now, at least from everything you've posted, the scale is doing nothing but harm. CAST IT INTO THE FIRE.


    1. I know Mich
      I am like a battered dog that keeps going back to its owner hoping next time will be different
      I am the very definition of insanity x

  2. i can't promise you anything as I've never got to that point but theres nothing wrong with a bmi of 18, maybe taking the pressure off so you can try and maintain? i probably would punch someone if they comment on my weight so you handled it well, could you be well at this weight stop purging and

    1. I would like to stay at this weight ideally
      I feel ok at this weight
      But my weight fluctuates so much
      There is precious little hope of that happening x

  3. It does get better, you just have to believe. You've gotten better before, you know deep down it can get better. Keep striding towards the light and you'll get there! X

  4. BMI 18 is still underweight and, dare I say it, unhealthy. I think we're in a similar position recovery wise. Half way there, but still getting dragged back by ED.

    People try and be kind and encouraging, but our heads twist it and just see it as failure. I kind of wish people saw more than physical appearance.

    You've done it before. I'm sure you've got the strength to do it again. You've come so far since I started reading your blog (nearly four years ago now! Eep!) You seem like a completely different person (in a good way!) you've grown in confidence, you're doing more, and remind yourself of how much you've got to lose now, if it helps.

    Also I think we both need to find the strength to ditch the scales!


    1. I know!!
      I can't believe it's been four years!
      So much has happened
      Yet so much has stayed still
      It's s art how fast time is going
      Sometimes i wish I could press pause
      And just stay in a moment
      But alas
      Time waits for no man
      Or anorectic woman x

    2. Apologies
      It's scary I meant x

  5. 18 is better than 17 :)

    It will get better, we have to believe that.

  6. It DOES get better. I promise you that. I don't know that I'll ever be exactly the way I was before the ED started, but even I'm amazed at how far I've managed to get recovery-wise. Sure I have days where I feel like a fat mess, but most of the time it's just a passing thought, and if I think about it, I realize I really just don't give a sh*t. I'm sure my weight fluctuates, but as far as "feeling ok" about my size or BMI or weight or whatever, that does't matter to me anymore. I don't feel anything. I'm me, and I'm ok with that.

    I don't know my weight, or my BMI, or my measurements. I haven't known them in years. I could guess, but honestly it's just a wild guess and I don't care what any of those numbers are anyway. Because they don't matter. I try to keep a healthy diet, but sometimes I really want a whole rack of ribs and I will eat it and not feel bad about it. Or sometimes I end up eating half a box of the girl scout cookies my sister brings home, and yeah I may feel unpleasantly full afterwards, but you know what FECK IT. They are damn delicious. And it's not like you eat like that every day.

    I think it was getting a taste for LIFE that really spurred me onwards. Friends, hobbies, learning to play different instruments, or driving around aimlessly just to find some fun stuff to take pictures of, or going antique shop hopping just because, or learning to make some ridiculously complicated gourmet recipe because you saw it on TV and it looked fabulous. All the things the ED robs from us. I took them back, and when I feel the ED trying to sneak back in and take control, I remember all of those things and I choose them. Not the ED. There is no room for life when our minds are consumed by feeling ok with a certain weight or BMI or size. None at all. And I choose life over a slow death.

    You can too. I know you can. <3

  7. are you ok your posts have gone? x

  8. Rightly or wrongly, I'm curious about where your weight sat pre-ED (pre-drugs even, maybe). 18 is by no means high, but I know for some people it's underweight, for others they sit around that point naturally. I think your own personal history and body has more to do with it than where you land on a chart of averages. The shitstorm not arriving can only be a good thing.

    Lots of love and hugs to you, my dear <3 xxxx

  9. Are you OK??

    Shelby x


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