Meeting

I made plans with a friend to go to a meeting tomorrow

It's a lunch time meeting

And I know it's usually small and intimate

I can't lie 

I am really nervous to go 

But I really want to

I think it's an important step in my recovery

Recognising that I need help and support with my various addictions is imperative

I feel like I could relapse at any time

And even though my meds are more tightly regulated 

I still find the opportunity to misuse them

I am trying to stay clean and sober with very little help

And it is damn near impossible 

I feel like I am 'white knuckling' it

Hanging on by my fingertips

I need the support of other recovering addicts

I know that now

And as well as some much needed support

I will also benefit from the social aspect of going to meetings

I feel I am in a place where I am receptive to meeting new people and want to make new friends

It's so easy for me to isolate

To hide out here in my house

I need to get out in to the world

And find myself and my place in this thing we call life

It's now exactly one year since I left treatment

And boy it has been a roller coaster of a year

I am just happy to be in a better place

To be living life more than I have in years

I'm grateful to be surrounded by amazing people who have carried me this far 

My family has been my foundation

My bed rock

They have held through all of this

My Mum 

My Dad 

My sister

My brother and his partner

Honey and lea

You

Have all had an important and integral part in my recovery 

Like a jigsaw puzzle

They have all made up part of my life and recovery

It hasn't been easy

As I have said before

I have had to work so hard to get to the point where most people start of

To say it's been a struggle is an understatement

The last 15 years have taken their toll

I have squeezed more in to that 15 years than most have in a life time

I know I am lucky to be alive

And to have made it this far relatively unscathed

I don't have much to show for my life

No assets 

No money

No house

No partner or children

Some day I hope to have these things

I hope to have my own independent life

But for now

I have everything that I need

A roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Food in my fridge 

Two dogs at my feet

And my family and friends by my side

What more could a girl want?

I am a big believer in baby steps

As baby steps all add up to be huge strides

Everyday I don't use

And every day I don't starve or purge

Is a good day

It's a day that I 

Ruby

Take on my demons

And fight to survive

Don't get me wrong

Everything is not perfect

I still struggle to a person in this world

I struggle just be

And live in reality

I get bored

And frustrated 

And angry 

And sad

Sometimes I can't stand being in my own head

Or even my own skin 

I struggle to accept myself for who I am

I struggle not to actively hate myself

To believe in myself

To have faith that I can live life beyond my ED and addiction 

I struggle to have a healthy relationship with food

Everyday is a battle not yo starve

And not to purge

I struggle to make peace with my situation

To live life on life's terms

I struggle to want to live a lot of the time

And to ward off feelings of wanting to disappear

But despite all these battles

I am here

I am alive

And I am fighting for a better life

My tendency is to be negative

For my mind to go to dark and twisty places

My natural state of mind is to be maudlin

To feel low

I have to make an effort to be positive

And upbeat

But I have many blessings in my life

Today my life is the best it's been in a long time 

I no longer live under the shadow of depression and anxiety

I no longer feel like a burden to my family

I am in the road to recovery

I  am living proof that people like me can and do survive

So hopefully I will get to this meeting tomorrow

And take the first step in to helping myself stay clean and sober

For those of you who don't know

The meetings I am talking about are Alcoholics Anonymous

And Natcotics Anonymous 

The are support groups for people with alcohol and drug problems

They work off of a 12 step programme 

And from my own experience

They really do work

So today

If you are feeling low

And hopeless  

Tired and broken

Please remember that there is always hope

Hope for a better life

For a better future

I promise you it is possible to get well

To face your demons

And come out stronger

Please know that you are more capable than you ever knew

You have the ability 

And the courage

To make a better life for yourself

So please

Don't give up

Don't ever give up

You are too precious

To important

To be lost to this cruel illness

I know it's exhausting having to fight all the time

Mentally and physically draining

I know 

But please don't give up

We can and will get better

It is possible

I promise you that