Friday, 27 February 2015

Dentist

I had an appointment with my lovely dentist today
As you know 
I had temporary crowns put in last summer 
And now it's time to get the permanent ones
My dentist had a big hello for me when he saw me
He shook my hand vigorously
And told me that I was looking great
He looked at my teeth
At which point he started to get very excited
'This is fantastic' he exclaimed 
'Your mouth looks so much better since you gave up smoking'
'I can't tell you how delighted I am with this, I'm going to turn you in to a fairy princess'
I had to laugh
He seemed so thrilled with the transformation
So he booked me in for an appointment in two weeks
It will be a marathon to get the job done
But my dentist assures me that it will be worth it

In the car on the way home
My Mum and I got chatting
She was saying how strong I am
And how I have overcome so much
I felt like a complete and utter hypocrite
I considered telling her the truth
But what will that do
Other than worry her
If only she knew though

She brought up The Boy too
I told her that he is moving
She seemed very relieved
And speaking of The Boy
He just texted me
I didn't text back
I can't
And I won't 

It's always hard to get back on track after a slip
The trust is now gone
And my sister is keeping a close eye on me
It's just a rotten situation for everyone involved
And it's down to me to put things right
 
It was easy to think that I wasn't really using
After all
It was just a cup of innocent tea right?
Maybe to some people
But for me 
It has the power to send me spinning out of control
It has the power to cause me to relapse
To break my families heart
To cause utter chaos in my life
Because I am an addict
A greedy, hungry, don't know when to stop, dust bin junkie
My brain works on the basis of all or nothing
There is no in between
No happy medium
No half measures
And I have to face up to this fact 
I can't use
I can't drink
Not if I want to face any semblance of a normal life

Now it's time to pick up the pieces
And put them back together as best as I can
It's time to take stock
To reflect on the last few weeks
And to think about where I go from here
I lost a friend this week because of what happened 
And that saddens me greatly 
She wants nothing to do with me
And that feels so crappy
But 
I understand that I have frustrated people
And let people down
Heck I am sick of myself
And the trail of destruction I leave in my wake
I need s good dose of common sense
And a swift kick up the ass
Any volunteers?

No seriously 
I have to get back on track
I know exactly what that entails
I have been here many times before
The only difference this time being that I have an awful lot to lose 
I can't 
I won't let that happen
It's time to pull up my big girl pants
And behave like a responsible adult for once in my life
As the saying goes 
It's not about the size of the dog in the fight
It's about the size of the fight in the dog
And this dog has a huge fight on her hands 

5 comments:

  1. dont be too hard on yourself it was a small slip, you have got back on track,it could have been worse? there are going to be bumps in the road, but put this one behind you. you are going strong and every time you ride out a bump its one less! love jo xx

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    Replies
    1. True Jo
      Now I just need to get back on track
      Am meeting a friend tomorrow who is in recovery so that is good
      Thanks for all your comments Jo x

      Delete
  2. Great news at the dentist! I was sitting here thinking "is that a year ago already?!", until I realized it's winter over there. Derp.

    I just want you to know that I'll be here to support you as long as it's healthy for both of us. The last thing I want to do is enable you, but you're a dear friend to me and I want you to know I'm always here if you need to talk. I know, I'm not great at the whole 'swift kick up the ass' thing :P

    Sending love and hugs xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you dear Bella
      That means more than you will ever know x

      Delete
  3. three suicide attempts this year, 40 kg ( am 172 cm), still working for everything i own, until i finally make it. you have hurt me more than you know.
    good luck
    s.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x