What now?

I feel like me and my blog are in a strange  place right now

I feel like this blog is not what it was

A blog about dealing with life with addiction and disordered eating 

Don't get me wrong 

I still struggle with these issues

But they are not urgent matters in the way they used to be

By 'normal' persons standards

I am still very much an addict

And still very much eating disordered

They don't feel as urgent any more

My life isn't in danger

My mental health isn't in the risky category any more

And my physical health has improved drastically

Life as I know it is a lot better

Heck I've even had my very own boy drama

After years of being single 

I didn't actually realise how low I was until I began to feel better 

My body was so sick

Barely able to get through the day

My mind was also sick

Depression and anxiety were constant

There were many times when I thought that I was going crazy

I truly believed that along with the weight

I was losing my mind

And that terrified me

I had spent all my life running from myself

And trying to escape reality

But the prospect that I really was losing touch with life and reality

Was enough to scare me in to getting well

For the longest time

I really didn't care if I lived or died

I had no shit to give

I courted death

I welcomed it

I would describe it as having a passive death wish

My mind still goes to that place regularly it's like my default way of dealing with life

And perversely 

Knowing I can end my life at any time

Gives me the strength and courage to keep going

A lot of the time

I feel like I am holding on for my family

That I am staying clean and sober and healthy for them

They say you should get well for yourself

But if I did it that way

I would never recover

I find it easier to do it for others 

And I can't lie

I miss drugs

I miss them a lot

But I don't miss all the crap that goes with them

Or the misery that I caused my family

Maybe recovering for others is not idea

But it's the best I can do right now

I would love to go back to meetings

I know it would help me so much

On a practical level

A spiritual level

And for the social aspect

For some reason I am afraid to go back

There are lunch time meetings that I hear are small and intimate

So maybe I could start with those 

I've taken the first steps with my recovery

I have re gained some weight

Dealt with my depression and anxiety

I am more independent now

More and more I do my own thing

And I feel strong and able

Now I guess it's time to take the next step

But what is the next step for me?

I'm really not sure 

Even with this blog

I am not sure what direction it is going

I feel confused about where I am going

I guess I need to make a few decisions

I need to take control of my life

Decide what I want to do

Whether that be recovering or not

At least then I won't feel so all over the place

I want to want to recover

I want to want to live

I know I need to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning

Reasons to live

Raison d'être

Because right now I am drifting 

Floating 

I have no focus

No direction

And I desperately need that

It's like I want both

To have my cake and eat it

I want to take drugs

But I want a stable life

I want to be thin

But I don't want the negative consequences

Unfortunately life doesn't work that way

Being a greedy addict

I want it all

But that is an impossibility 

I still struggle massively with body image

And accepting my weight

I have days when I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it 

 I have days when I cry when I see my reflection on the mirror

Or when my clothes feel a little tight

My body image is still very much entangled in my self esteem and confidence

And it shouldn't be

It shouldn't matter what I weigh

As long as I am healthy and happy

But at the moment it does matter

My weight can make or break my day

It both terrifies me and thrills me

I hate that it still has so much control over me

But it does 

It really does

 I don't know why I find reality so hard to deal with

My life is fine

I have a loving family

Two amazing dogs

A small but close group of friends

I have a roof over my head

Clothes on my back

Good in my fridge 

I have no major bills to pay

Financially I am stable 

My physical and mental health are improving all the time

But yet

I feel so empty 

So dissatisfied 

Like something is missing

I feel like I am constantly wishing my life away 

Counting down the days to when I can check off the planet 

I find reality boring

Monotonous

Tedious

I crave drama

And love

And passion 

Extremes of feelings

I crave adventure 

Highs and lows

I hate this constant and even feeling of life

I guess I need to find healthy ways of meeting these needs

I always thought that the only way to feel these things was to use mood altering chemicals

But there must be other ways

There must be

I think I need to take a leap of faith

To try some new activities 

To free fall in to my own life

What's the worst that could happen right?

I was wondering about you

Have you ever felt this way?

How did you cope?

Get through this?

Any thoughts are much appreciated