Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break

And I did 

I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me

As you know I write everyday

And if I don't

Then there is something most definitely up

But my head feels clear today

So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy

The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend

I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month

The first time I met him in a coffee shop

The next couple of times 

I called to his house 

The first time I met him

He seemed really together

He was just finishing up a course

And was starting work

I got no bad vibes off him

I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him

All was good

Or so I thought

The next week

He picked me up and we went out to his house

Straight away I felt uneasy

As I got the smell of weed

Now I have a bit of a problem with weed

In that I don't like it

And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid

Anyway

As TheBoy made tea

He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea

I had no idea what a poppy tea was

He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant

Poppy plants which he grows himself

He showed me the pods

And I was intrigued

He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin

And did I want to try some

Here is the part where I messed up

I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me

I haven't got the power to say no

So I said yes

And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light

It was like a constantly soft feeling

Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting

God forgive me I loved the feeling

I went home that night

Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family

But I kept nodding off

And falling asleep

He gave me some to bring home

And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep

In and out of reality

I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 

Is that no matter how fast or hard you run

Reality is always just around the corner

It's a game of cat and mouse

And I'm always playing catch up

I've wondered about this a lot recently

Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality

Even before this slip

I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy

So what is it?

What is it that I am running from?

Myself?

My own head?

Reality?

What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?

Is my world and reality so awful?

I mean

I have everything I could possibly need

A caring and loving family

Who want nothing but the best for me

I have good support from my doctor and other professionals

I have two dogs who are the light of my life

I have a small circle of close friends

I have my health for the most part

I have no major bills to worry about

Yes

My world is fairly safe and comfortable

So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality

I like to feel out of it 

And out of my own thoughts 

Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me

But the thing is

I can't have all the things I just mentioned

And a drug habit

I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture

I lose my family

My friends

I'm not present for my dogs

I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy

And he challenges that belief

I look at him

And I see that he works

He functions

And all while using drugs

I started to think that maybe I could have it all

Maybe I could function with drugs in my life

Maybe I could find that balance

But in my heart

I know that is utter horse shit

I've proved that over the last few weeks

And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too

Back when I had to collect my meds every day

I was doing better

As it was taken out of my hands

But now I am back to getting them twice weekly

And I am all over the place again

So

First things first

I need to talk to my doctor

And I want to make it clear

This was my choice

No one made me drink the tea

That was all me

It was all me

And my silly choices

I need to tell him

And be honest 

And just see what he says

I don't know

I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 

It's been a constant tug of war

And in the last few weeks

Drugs have been winning

I need to get back on track

Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it

And surrender to my need for escape

I know that is not the answer 

The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be

Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality

My life

My family

Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be

For them

Like I am holding on

For them

Keeping it together

For them

And when you feel like you are holding it together for others

You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself

Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system

Get out of my head one last time

But I quickly realise that is not the answer

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision

One way or the other

As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 

I don't need to tell you

That writing this post was more than difficult 

But I feel it is important to be honest

I haven't told my family yet

But I know I will have to eventually

In the mean time

It's a chance for me to take stock

And re-evaluate where I am

And where I am going

Because right now

I haven't an earthly clue