Sunday, 22 February 2015

Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break
And I did 
I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me
As you know I write everyday
And if I don't
Then there is something most definitely up
But my head feels clear today
So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy
The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend
I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month
The first time I met him in a coffee shop
The next couple of times 
I called to his house 
The first time I met him
He seemed really together
He was just finishing up a course
And was starting work
I got no bad vibes off him
I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him
All was good
Or so I thought

The next week
He picked me up and we went out to his house
Straight away I felt uneasy
As I got the smell of weed
Now I have a bit of a problem with weed
In that I don't like it
And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid
As TheBoy made tea
He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea
I had no idea what a poppy tea was
He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant
Poppy plants which he grows himself
He showed me the pods
And I was intrigued
He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin
And did I want to try some
Here is the part where I messed up
I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me
I haven't got the power to say no
So I said yes
And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light
It was like a constantly soft feeling
Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting
God forgive me I loved the feeling
I went home that night
Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family
But I kept nodding off
And falling asleep
He gave me some to bring home
And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep
In and out of reality
I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 
Is that no matter how fast or hard you run
Reality is always just around the corner
It's a game of cat and mouse
And I'm always playing catch up
I've wondered about this a lot recently
Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality
Even before this slip
I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy
So what is it?
What is it that I am running from?
My own head?
What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?
Is my world and reality so awful?
I mean
I have everything I could possibly need
A caring and loving family
Who want nothing but the best for me
I have good support from my doctor and other professionals
I have two dogs who are the light of my life
I have a small circle of close friends
I have my health for the most part
I have no major bills to worry about
My world is fairly safe and comfortable
So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality
I like to feel out of it 
And out of my own thoughts 
Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me
But the thing is
I can't have all the things I just mentioned
And a drug habit
I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture
I lose my family
My friends
I'm not present for my dogs
I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy
And he challenges that belief
I look at him
And I see that he works
He functions
And all while using drugs
I started to think that maybe I could have it all
Maybe I could function with drugs in my life
Maybe I could find that balance
But in my heart
I know that is utter horse shit
I've proved that over the last few weeks
And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too
Back when I had to collect my meds every day
I was doing better
As it was taken out of my hands
But now I am back to getting them twice weekly
And I am all over the place again

First things first
I need to talk to my doctor
And I want to make it clear
This was my choice
No one made me drink the tea
That was all me
It was all me
And my silly choices
I need to tell him
And be honest 
And just see what he says

I don't know
I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 
It's been a constant tug of war
And in the last few weeks
Drugs have been winning
I need to get back on track
Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it
And surrender to my need for escape
I know that is not the answer 
The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be
Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality
My life
My family
Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be
For them
Like I am holding on
For them
Keeping it together
For them
And when you feel like you are holding it together for others
You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself
Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system
Get out of my head one last time
But I quickly realise that is not the answer
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision
One way or the other
As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 
I don't need to tell you
That writing this post was more than difficult 
But I feel it is important to be honest
I haven't told my family yet
But I know I will have to eventually
In the mean time
It's a chance for me to take stock
And re-evaluate where I am
And where I am going
Because right now
I haven't an earthly clue


  1. Ugh, i feared from the start that boy would mean trouble! They all do, just in different ways. It is great that you are open about it and want to talk to your doctor. It is for the best to stay away from that guy.For the sake of your life and sanity.

  2. Oh sweetie, I'm sorry all this has been happening. I'm so sorry I didn't see your email - it landed in junk and I only saw it last night. I'm going to reply right now.


  3. hello ruby,i never really can offer help as i am often in a bad place myself. but is there any chance you could get away, even for a few days? getting a break in your routine and letting you think in peace what you really want for you,they say it takes just 3 weeks to make or break a habit--scary or comforting i think--,i have been numbed for 20 years,don't end up like me you deserve

  4. Today is doctor day sweety....
    step one....



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