Monday, 23 February 2015

Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor
What a relief it is to have finally told him
The nerves about this appointment started last week
When I realised I needed help
Last night full blown anxiety kicked in
I was dreading telling my doctor
Not because I was worried about what he would say
I mean what can he say?
But because I hate to disappoint people
Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED
I hate to let someone down
Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years
So needless to say
I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning
My appointment was at 9 20am
So I had some time to kill
So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things
I haven't told my mother or sister yet
So I've really had no one to talk to
Apart from you lovely ladies
But still
I hate keeping this from them
And I think they know something is up
As I've been going out a lot
And have been very distant 
I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using
They usually can tell straight away
But then I am being very devious and sneaky
And maybe they do suspect 
I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car
And my mother and I set off for the doctor
She brought them down to the beach
While I went to the surgery
I had to wait for about 20 minutes
I'm sure the worry was written on my face
I was agitated and fidgety 
At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it
Then I heard my name called
And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room
And sat in my usual seat
He tapped away on his computer for a moment
Before asking me how I was
I took a deep breath
And told him things were not good
And that I had some bad news 
'I've been using' I blurted out
He looked really surprised
Shocked even
'What happened?' He asked
I told him about The Boy
Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 
It was all new and my stupidity
He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 
I told him neither
And explained about the poppy tea
He sat back in his chair
And looked really disappointed 
He asked me some more about the boy
And what I planned to do now
I told him that The Boy is moving
So at least temptation will be further away
At this point he took out a drug test
And asked me for a urine sample
I went off to the bathroom
And peed on to the little cup
It was then that I suddenly thought
What if this is clean?
What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?
And it wasn't poppy tea all
I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room
He was still tapping on his computer
After a couple of minutes he checked the sample
'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked
I said I hadn't
But I had been in a room where it was being smoked
Anyway
The sample was positive for opiates and hash
My heart sank a bit
Now it all seems so real
Before I told anyone 
I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad
And that there was nothing really to worry about
But seeing how serious my doctor took me today
I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script
I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone
He gave me a point blank no
But after I expressed concern about withdrawal
He agreed to increase it by 4 mls
I was glad
And I am also back on daily dispensing
As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor
I could easily have got away with not telling him
As he rarely drug tests me
But I know it was the right thing to do
And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support
And I feel a bit better about the whole situation
I am reluctant to tell my family
And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them
I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold
And if I feel I need to tell them
I will

My weight is suffering through all of this
And I've lost a few pounds
But I guess that was to be expected
And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So
My plan for the week?
I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today
I am collecting my meds daily
I will avoid The Boy at all costs
Which is going to be hard
But has to be done
I'm going to go back swimming
As I know it is good for me
And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 
All this feels manageable 
And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs
I have no resistance 
No capacity to say no
And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls
You know who you are
For your comments, texts and emails
For your honesty
Your kind words
Your concern
And your love
It means more to me than you will ever know
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
Thank you


15 comments:

  1. Stay safe, that's all I care about. Love you.

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  2. That was brave of you to tell your Dr Ruby...I'm glad that you did so you can get the help you need... I'm rooting and praying for you xox

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  3. good you told your doctor. secrecy is lethal. and people notice anyway, when someone is using. just the user thinks they dont. but sometimes one simply cannot be bothered anymore. I do not think "the boy" is innocent. I've seen this before - users simply cannot leave exusers alone. They are envious or simply want company or want their using to be justified by sharing. it is like offering an alcoholic a whiskey, over and over again. but you knew it.I still wonder if you were mainly bored. even thought this could make a good story. I do not know. I am VERY worried. But the drug business is where i have to quit. I would be the worst friend on the planet if i would pity you now. frankly i should not comment at all to not give this ANY reinforcement. I ve lost one of my closest friends to it very early. I have seen L.'s sister turn into a piece of human waste due to it. And she had everything; a lovely over caring family, so much care.
    stay safe, darling.
    love
    weird, i have posted today...why did you delete my from your blog list btw? too honest? the "avy" is still there...
    xx

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    Replies
    1. I didn't delete you hun
      I don't know why it's not there
      But your blog still shows up in my reader list x

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  4. i am just asking babe! of course its your place and you can delete whoever you please of course!!!!

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  5. PS: the only person you are letting down babe is yourself

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  6. You haven't disappointed anyone; it would have been much more disappointing if you hadn't told anyone and they found out later when things got really out of control. You made a mistake, but you're doing your best to work through it. Telling your doctor was the best decision you could have made. Take care :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks N
      I appreciate your kind words x

      Delete
  7. (L)

    you 're doing such brave things.....

    You have my support, as you know via IM

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  8. you seem to be doing all the right things,just a blip maybe most have them I'm sure.keep strong. jo xx

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  9. despite me usually reading your post and having to comment, a thought came up that i feel like i have to share, even though i've only read the first paragraph.

    you do not disappoint. you have a hell of a lot things that are screaming at your head sometimes. and sometimes, you give in. it does not mean your accomplishments are stupid or not noticed. they are. i notice them. you do not disappoint at all, my love.

    i am so sorry i'm not able to write much nowadays. my head is in a ditzy. i have so much work piled up and i don't want to do any of it or want to do anything really.

    i'm glad that he seems to be treading carefully - your doctor seems to be a good one compared to others. and i'm glad for that.

    i am so proud of you for doing this. you are better than this, Ruby and i mean this with all the love. you are better than this by so much more.

    "All this feels manageable
    And I feel good about getting back on track" this is good.

    i'm currently /reluctantly/ studying my psychology lectures. and that is a good sign when it comes to recovering from an addiction or so. <3

    thank you, Ruby.

    i'm glad you put that little comment. i'm glad you said my words were beautiful. that is the biggest way to make me feel like i'm worth so much more than i feel at the moment.

    hold on, Ruby. there's a life for you out there beyond this.

    -Sam Lupin

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Thank you for leaving some love x