Monday, 16 February 2015

And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend
A combination of no Wifi
And writers block
Meant I didn't get to write all weekend
But I'm back now 
So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog
When I started writing three years ago
I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it
Or if I did
I didn't give them the name of my blog
The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction
Without fear of anyone I knew reading it
And that was great for a while
But gradually
Over time
I told more and more people about my blog
And now many people in my real life read my blog
Recently this has effected the way that I write
I find myself editing and censoring my blog
So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried
This has been a huge factor especially in the last month
There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer
And just pour my heart out
But I feel I can't
Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know
I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog
If I want to stay somewhat anonymous
Last week 
A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog
And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog
I know that if you type certain words in to Google
My blog comes up in the first page
It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed
But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 
From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time
Back in 2008
We became firm friends fast
Both around the same age
Both had dual addictions
We had a lot in common
I remember spending so much with her
Watching DVDs 
Walking laps of the grounds
Doing each other's hair
You get so close to people in treatment
I hadn't heard from her in years though
So it was a lovely surprise
She is back in treatment
Having relapsed
She asked me how I was doing
I was able to be really honest with her 
More honest than I have been in a long time
It was such a relief
I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us
I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get
Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way
I am trying to tell you all something
But I don't know if I can
I don't know if it's safe
Once something is put out there
You can't take it back
And that's what I'm worried about
I was planning on telling you all today
But now that it comes down to it
I don't know if I can do it

I know I am talking in riddles today
It's hard to explain
You know when you are faced with something or someone 
And you know this situation is dangerous
And no good can come of it
You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach
That tells you to turn around and walk away
It's like a gut instinct 
Even as you walk in to the situation 
You know it's a bad idea
But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong
Praying the situation will work out
I know I should get out now
Before anyone gets hurt
And the person who will get hurt the most is me
Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs
And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today
As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion
But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning
I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week
As I need some space
So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about
In the mean time 
Please bear with me
I will get there eventually 


  1. are you ok ruby? gone very quiet, hope just having a break and all is good.just last post a little confusing. j

  2. yes i was thinking that too,my computer wouldn't let me comment last few days,tried to email but don't think thats working either!just looked you up after work and a bit worried about you,although you're entitled to take a break, hope you're alright xx jo

  3. Ruby, I understand your need to filter who sees what information. I hope that whatever it is, you find someone safe to talk about it with, to help you stay safe and sane as possible. Take care.


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