And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend

A combination of no Wifi

And writers block

Meant I didn't get to write all weekend

But I'm back now 

So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog

When I started writing three years ago

I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it

Or if I did

I didn't give them the name of my blog

The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction

Without fear of anyone I knew reading it

And that was great for a while

But gradually

Over time

I told more and more people about my blog

And now many people in my real life read my blog

Recently this has effected the way that I write

I find myself editing and censoring my blog

So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried

This has been a huge factor especially in the last month

There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer

And just pour my heart out

But I feel I can't

Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know

I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog

If I want to stay somewhat anonymous

Last week 

A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog

And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog

I know that if you type certain words in to Google

My blog comes up in the first page

It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed

But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 

From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time

Back in 2008

We became firm friends fast

Both around the same age

Both had dual addictions

We had a lot in common

I remember spending so much with her

Watching DVDs 

Walking laps of the grounds

Doing each other's hair

You get so close to people in treatment

I hadn't heard from her in years though

So it was a lovely surprise

She is back in treatment

Having relapsed

She asked me how I was doing

I was able to be really honest with her 

More honest than I have been in a long time

It was such a relief

I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us

I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get

Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way

I am trying to tell you all something

But I don't know if I can

I don't know if it's safe

Once something is put out there

You can't take it back

And that's what I'm worried about

I was planning on telling you all today

But now that it comes down to it

I don't know if I can do it

Apologies

I know I am talking in riddles today

It's hard to explain

You know when you are faced with something or someone 

And you know this situation is dangerous

And no good can come of it

You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach

That tells you to turn around and walk away

Run

It's like a gut instinct 

Even as you walk in to the situation 

You know it's a bad idea

But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong

Praying the situation will work out

I know I should get out now

Before anyone gets hurt

And the person who will get hurt the most is me

Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs

And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today

As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion

But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning

I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week

As I need some space

So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about

In the mean time 

Please bear with me

I will get there eventually