Thursday, 26 February 2015


My sister knows 
She read my blog
Even though I asked her not to
She is not happy
And tells me if I see The Boy again
Or use again
She will call the police
And report me and him
I don't doubt that she will go this 
She means business 

He texted yesterday
Wanting to meet up
I decided to go and tell him that I couldn't see him anymore
Against my better judgement 
I went to his house
Where I found myself sitting in a living room
With three dudes all skinning up
Suddenly I just wanted to get out of there 
And just knew I had made a huge mistake going there
I racked my brain for an excuse to get out of there
I was becoming very anxious and paranoid
And just wanted to get the hell out of there 
It's like I suddenly realised that this was all bullshit
It wasn't real
And do I really want to be part of this world?
The answer is no
A definite no
I couldn't have got out of there quick enough
And before you say it
I know it was a really stupid thing to go and see him
I know it was putting myself in danger 
But yet I still plough ahead in to self destruction 

I am realising that I can't use recreationally
I can't drink socially
I can't have just one
I am an addict
And a greedy one at that
It has to be all or nothing

So there I was 
Sitting in a fog of dope smoke
Listening to these guys talking
I couldn't even say anything
I just wanted to run out of there 
I took out my phone 
And pretended that I had just got a text
I said it was my nephews school
And they needed someone to pick him up as he was sick
I made my excuses and left
It was such a relief to get in to my car and drive away from there
I don't know if they believed me
And I don't really care
All I know is that that is not a world I want to be part of
At least now I know that for sure

I arrived home
And my sister was on high alert
She wanted to know where I had been
And who I had seen
I told her the truth
There's no point in lying anymore
She is worried
But said she won't tell our mum
This time

I'm not sure why it's so hard to stay away from The Boy
He has nothing to offer me
Other than a drug habit 
But I still feel drawn to him
And I hate that I am
But I know I can't see him anymore
If I want to stay clean and sober
If I don't want to worry my family
It sucks

I have too much to lose though 
As my sister said to me yesterday
I have worked too hard to get to this point
I don't want to throw it all away
And lose the trust I have built up with my family
Do I really want to throw my life away for the sake of a boy or a drug?
The answer is no
I definitely don't 


  1. Just shows how strong you really are, to draw the line and make the decision to stay away ^^
    Take care beautiful xx

  2. Ruby, you really need a good kick in the pants. You wrote you just can't resist and that is pure bull crap. You chose not to resist the drug when offered. That was your choice. Stop making excuses and get your head out of your bum and straighten up now, before it is too late. You do have a choice, so make the right one. No excuses, no drugs, period!

    1. I agree
      I do need to give myself a huge kick up the ass
      I know it was utterly stupid to go to his house again
      But I have learned my lesson
      And won't be going back there again
      I know people must be so frustrated with me
      Heck I frustrate myself with the choices I make
      Lesson learned x

  3. You felt uncomfortable and got out. Please, stay out. Don't put yourself in danger of using again. The boy is, sadly, not worth it.

    1. I will have to CP
      It's just such a shame it turned out this way
      But I will have to stay away now
      For my own safety x

  4. so good you went. no excuse needed. they do not care anyway. believe me, they do not give a shit for others, regardless what he says. soo proud of you. your sis rocks, even if you do not see it now, you will at some point.


    1. I just had to get out of there Lilly
      The walls were closing in on me
      I know they don't care about me or my recovery
      They don't know where ive come from
      I just feel so sad about the whole situation x

  5. you did the right thing please be careful and stay away, Jo xx

    1. I will have to Jo
      There is just no other way x

  6. Big hugs to you Ruby. I'm proud of you for making the right choice and getting out of there when they were smoking. I know it's tough love, but maybe your sister knowing will give you that extra push to stay away.


    1. I was annoyed at first Bella
      But I am starting to see that if my family know
      Then they can help me
      We had a huge fight earlier
      But we will get through this x

  7. run run away as fast as you can these people won't even notice...look after number one until you are strong enough to do worry for others... j

    1. That's the best advice I've heard all day x

    2. huh? so you did not read mine? i am exhausted. noone can give you the validation you need over and over again. and why should others. who gives a fuck about the brave ones?

  8. Always always always stay away from people who are toxic for you. Don't ever throw away what you have reached so for.Please learn your lesson. He does not care about you when he offers you drugs.

    1. I am starting to see that Sheila
      Slowly but surely I am coming around
      As I sit here on my couch with my family
      There is no where else I'd rather be x


Thank you for leaving some love x