Saturday, 3 June 2017

The first step is always the hardest...

It's Saturday evening
And I'm chillin out at home
My first week of work is over
And I now have a few days off which is nice
Work went better than expected 
And even though I had my doubts
I think I will get through the summer ok
Getting my first pay cheque helped massively 
Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic
My car is fixed for now 
So hopefully it goes for me for another while 
My Mam goes away on Monday for a week
So I will be here alone with my Dad
He needs a lot of help now 
His hands are all but useless 
Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible 
From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea
Patience of a saint is required 
But we manage 

In other news 
I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday 
And in my friends you might know 
I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl 
And from doing a bit of snooping 
I discovered she has anorexia 
And also writes a blog
Being a good while in to my recovery 
The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion
I felt no trigger
No desire to be like her 
No immediate plan to lose weight 
I felt sorry for her
Because her body is vocalising what she can't say
My thoughts then turned to myself 
I have no idea what I weigh right now
And have no desire to know
My body shape has changed a lot over the last year 
I've gone from being a petit little girl
To a curvy and shapely woman 
A lot of my clothes don't fit me now
And I'm having to buy new ones
In new sizes too
I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain
And a year  ago I could not have handled this at all
But today 
Well today I am ok with my weight
I've decided that I have three options with my weight 
I can change it
I can ignore it
Or I can accept it
I've decided to accept it
As really 
In the grand scheme of things 
What's a few pounds here and there 
The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh 
And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends 
I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been
I have boobs galore 
And a booty you could eat your dinner off
And you know what?
I am perfectly ok with that 
I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got 
And at the moment I have curves 
So instead of covering them in tent like clothes 
I am going to dress them to highlight them
Accentuate the positive and all that
Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me
Skinny is fine 
But so is curvy
It's more than fine 
It's sexy
It's unique 
It's attractive 
And for the first time probably ever in my life 
I feel ok in my skin
Now don't get me wrong 
I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body 
I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me
But 
They are just clothes 
They are replaceable 
It's not a big deal
The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be
I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric
Now I have decided to embrace my curves
To show off rather than camouflage 
And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy 
And that is confidence 
Confidence 
No matter what you wear 
Or what you look like 
If you have confidence 
If you act like you don't care 
If you rock what you've got and then some 
Then that is extremely attractive 
So yes 
One thing I've learned 
Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness
I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy 
What a load of old shit
All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable 
I was now under weight and miserable 
And here I am now probably double my lowest weight 
And I am still hanging in there 

I went over to see Coco this morning 
With my sister and Honey and Lea
I was a bit worried about seeing Coco 
As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive 
But today he was in much better form
And back to his gentle cheeky self
Which I was so glad to see
He was delighted to see his bestie Lea
And followed her all around the field like a puppy
Very cute
Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though
He is slimy
Smart arsed
Selfish
Egotistical 
I really don't like having to deal with him
So I try and avoid him at all costs
But I know that is going to cause problems in the future 
I just hope I can continue to see Coco 
As that pony is part of my life now 
I'm too attached to walk away now

I feel a bit restless at the moment 
I want to do something 
Like get another piercing or tattoo
Or dye my hair a mad colour 
Pink would be nice 
But I don't think work would appreciate that 
I'm doing my best to save some money this summer 
It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am
I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!

I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok
Do comment and let me know you are there
I'm off to make a cuppa
See you on the next post...

5 comments:

  1. You can do this. You really enjoyed the work last year and whilst there will be ups and downs, hopefully the goods will far outweigh the less goods. I'm glad your car is fixed too- it's so hard when you suddenly lose that independence and freedom of drivImg. I'm also so so pleased that you have passed your drivImg test! I used to get so very worried about what would happen to you if anything went wrong or you got caught or worse. Life can be so good Ruby. You got this!

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  2. We are always here! If not on the blog, in spirit :). So glad to hear work went well.
    Hugs H.

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