Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Week 2

I finished my second week at work
I've also been looking after my Dad this week as my Mam was away
It was a long week
And it's so lovely to have a few days off
On Sunday 
I worked the 4-12am shift alone 
I was anxious before it
As I've never done that shift before 
As you can imaging I spent the whole week thinking about it
Almost dreading it
I would rather not be there on my own
But there was only 15 staying in the house 
So only one person is needed on every shift
Yesterday I was on 8-4pm
So rather than going hint and conning back a few hours later 
I decided to stay the night there
It was Avery quiet night 
And I spent a couple of hours just chatting with the guests 
It's funny how something I was dreading so muchg
Can turn around and flip what you expected 
I think about the run up to my starting work
I was a complete basket case 
And really wasn't sure if I would be able to start I felt that bad
But now
Two weeks later 
And I am now wondering what I was so worried for 
Basically working there is like running a big house
It's not complicate at all
But it is hard work
Am on my feet all day
Running between three floors 
Lots of lifting and physical work
And it's busy
But I would rather be busy than bored any day of the week
It's like a big never ending circle 
You set and serve breakfast 
And by the time you havr everything washes and put away 
It's time to start lunch
So it's a bit like ground hog day
But it's very satisfying to have a sparkling and shiny kitchen at the end of the day
I've also made some new friend at work which is lovely 
Our manager is very good at choosing her work staff
Everyone is sound, hard working and easy to get along with 
So I am a happy camper all round

The only thing about work
Is that I'm not getting to see Coco as much 
I used to see him every day without fail
But now it's four times a week
Which is still good I guess
I am doing my best though 
And the time I do have with him is very special
Relations with Cocos owner are breaking down 
He is being very difficult 
Not an easy person to deal with
I texted him this morning about enclosing Coco in a smaller area
He texted me back to 'go ahead'
This made my blood boil
As he knows good and well that I can't do it alone 
And even if I could 
The expense should not fall to me
I've already spent a lot of money on Coco 
And to expect me to pay for fencing is just not on
Technically when it comes down to it
It's not my land or my pony 
And really his owner needs to take some responsibility to look after his own animal
I have brought Coco on so much 
To the pony where he trusts me
And his best friend Lea
I could actually see this coming 
His owner has been a smart arse from the start
I've had to bite my tongue thus far
But no more 
Even though I love Coco 
And would do anything for him
I'm not prepared to be tested like a door mat
He is messing with the wrong girl..
Another option I have is that I buy Coco 
And move him to a field nearer to me
I have someone in mind to ask
So that could be a possibility 
Whatever happens 
I am not turning my back on the pony 
I'm way too involved now

In other news 
Summer is here 
Although you wouldn't know it in this country
Having gained weight 
I am not thrilled at the prospect of getting my arms and legs out
I know it's bad but I've been tanning 
As it makes looking at myself a little less painful 
But to be honest 
My ED feels very far away now
I don't even think about it really
And even at this weight 
It doesn't really bother me that much 
Yea I know
I'm confused too
But weight has come to be of little importance to me recently 
I never though I would hear myself say it
But I am not a size 10-12 European 
I have curves 
I have boobs galore
My thighs are substantial 
But I am more curious and interested than anything 
Of course this means I am in the process of buying new clothes 
And dressing a new shape
I've discovered that instead of trying to Hide myself in tent like clothes 
It's much much better to embrace my curves 
And make the most of my shape
I don't need to tell you that this is massive progress
I have foung that in recover, the body recovers first 
And it takes the kind a lot longer to get better 
But ladies let me tell you that it's worth the wait
To feel
Comfortable in your own skin is just amazing 
Better than any weight loss 
Better than seeing the number on the scales go down
I shit you not!
I am just so grateful to be in a good place
And I am blessed and lucky to have a crack team of family and friends around me
Who have carried me when I thought I couldn't go on
Recovery is a team effort 
I think often times the families and friends around the sufferer are almost forgotten about 
Addiction, mental health and other conditions effect the whole family 
The whole family lives through it
It's the same in recovery 
Families need support
They need to be minded too
As they are the ones who got us through 
Who held us 
Let us cry on their shoulder 
Who forgave us 
And never gave up on us
They are brilliant without a doubt 
So thank you 
To all the Mams, Dads, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunties, uncles, children, friend and not forgetting the animals in our lives 
They are to be celebrated
Because without them
God knows where we would be

I'll leave it there for today 
Thank you for reading 
And for being there
From the bottom of my heart
Thank you💜


  1. Well, you seem fine at your job, even if you worry about it. Glad you're getting comfortable with your body.
    Coco's owner seems difficult, but nothing you can't handle.

  2. I think the most important trait in the disease is wanting to be alone to achieve perfection because you fear having to be dishonest when others are just trying to check in on your health.

    Once you accept the care of others... thats when you get to start accepting yourself just like how they accept you.

  3. Hi Ruby,sorry for the long silence.do still try and read now and then to see how you are getting on. you seem to have gone from strength to strength and should be very proud of yourself! don't worry about the odd wobble you are only human and everyone feels anxious,the important thing is that you feel afraid but do it anyway and you do.i will email you soon for a proper catchup.keep smiling
    love jo xx

  4. I'm really glad to hear you've finally overcome the hurdle of buying new clothes, and even more so that you're feeling comfortable in your own skin!

    Coco's owner sounds like a complete asshole. I wonder why he even has a pony if he can't be bothered taking care of him. Buying him and giving him a loving home would be amazing! Maybe you could even get some crowdfunding going to help give him the life he deserves.


  5. such a joy to see how far you have come in the time i have been reading with you on this blog, <3


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