Night out!

As you may know

I don't tend to venture out at night

I don't frequent pubs and clubs

The only reason I would be out after dark would be to go to the theatre or cinema

Now that it is winter

I am usually in my pyjamas by 6pm

But last night 

Eight of my family went out for dinner

You might remember a few months ago

We got the news that my brother was offered a two book deal with Picador

We didn't see him or his partner over Christmas 

So they came here yesterday for the weekend

And we all went out last night for dinner

We booked the meal in a lovely little restaurant in the next village

To be honest 

I don't particularly like going out for dinner

It's not my first choice of fun things to do 

Because for me

Being  bulimic 

It's just a total waste of money

But anyway 

Back to last night 

We all dressed up a little 

I wore a denim pinafore dress 

With a stripe the top

And grey tights 

I also wore a pair of heels which I rarely do

We set off at about 7 30pm

To sit down for dinner at 8 pm

The restaurant itself was lovely 

Small

But perfectly formed 

Cosy 

Nice music 

And friendly staff

We settled at our table for eight

And began to look over the menus 

It was decided that we would have three courses 

Which sounded like a marathon to me

But I decided to do my best 

I ordered the asparagus and courgette soup for starter

The quail with champ and wild mushrooms for mains 

And the ice cream and a cup of tea for dessert

First 

An amuse bouche was served

A tiny shot of soup in a delicate little cup

It was delicious 

And did the trick to whet our appetite 

The came the starter which was lovely 

Followed by the main

I was just finishing my quail

When my mother called me 

I followed her gaze 

And found myself looking at my doctor 

I don't know why 

But I felt a little bit uncomfortable 

It's not the first time I've met him out and about 

And of course it's a small community

Do I am bound to run in to him somewhere 

He was just finishing his meal

And waved as he went up to pay

I de used to take the opportunity to go to the bathroom

When I came back 

He was still there

Then as he was leaving 

He tipped me on the shoulder and said goodbye 

I though that was really nice of him

And just goes to show what a decent person he is 

I relaxed a little after he left

But I wasn't myself anyway 

I was a bit quiet and withdrawn

But I did my best to stay in good form 

We were celebrating after all

And we don't often have good news like this

After dessert 

We all had teas and coffee

And started to get ready to leave

It was an expensive night out 

But again

We don't do it very often 

At me point in the night

I got a bit paranoid 

And thought my sister and my nephew were laughing at me 

They always mess when they get together 

But for some reason 

Probably because I was feeling a bit low

I thought they were making fun of me

By the end of the night 

I was fighting back tears 

And as soon as we got home I went straight to bed 

And had a proper cry

My sister came down to me

And I told her why I was upset

She said there was no way they were laughing at me

I believe her

But I still felt really tearful 

woke up feeling a lot better

I guess this is another side of my illness

Paranoia 

And thinking people are making fun of me 

Or laughing at me 

It's a horrible feeling 

To think that people would deliberately make me feel excluded like that 

I guess I am hyper sensitive 

And sometimes my feelings are warranted 

Sometimes not

But it's an amazing how a good nights sleep can make you feel better 

And able to see things clearly 

My Dad was down for the meal too

We went out this morning with the dogs 

And he gave me a rather stern talking to

He noticed my weight loss 

He would as he only sees me every few weeks 

He expressed concern 

And pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight 

He said he couldn't face seeing me like a 'bag of bones' like I was before  

I hate worrying my family 

And I guess it's down to me not to mAke them worried 

But

Somewhere 

Deep in my ED brain

My illness got a sick kick out of knowing that I've lost weight 

How twisted is that 

It makes me feel so guilty that I feel that way 

But I feel I have to be honest 

I hold on to my ED behaviours

Because they serve a purpose

It was the same with drugs or smoking 

At first 

There is a payoff for the behaviours 

With drugs it's the rush

The escape 

With smoking it's the calming and relaxing effect

But there comes a point 

When the negative consequences begin to our weight the positive

With my ED 

It's a stress reliever 

Anxiety reliever 

It's also an escape 

And boiling things down to weight 

Gives me something to focus on other than my issues

So 

I quit drugs

Gave up smoking 

Now food is my only vice 

And it's proving the trickiest to deal with

I have homework from Mary this week

And one of those items is to go to a meeting 

I've decided to go to the Tuesday lunch time meeting 

I also have to not purge as much as possible 

Eat three meals and two snacks 

I can't lie 

It's a lot to ask 

And I feel a bit overwhelmed 

But 

As ever 

It's one step at a time