Friday, 29 January 2016

The day after

I found it really difficult to wind down And relax after yesterday's interview
I had so much anxiety
And so much adrenaline running through my body before hand 
Sitting on that couch 
Waiting to be called in
Was beyond nerve wracking 
I haven't felt that anxious in a long time
I thought it was funny in the interview
When the man said I had a 'very interesting existence up until now'
All I could think was 
Seriously dude
You don't know the half of it
That CV was the PG version of my life
I find people are shocked when I tell them about my past
I guess I don't look like a typical addict
But then what does an addict look like?
Really it could be any of us 
The working mum who drinks a bottle of wine every night to unwind 
The invalid who got addicted to pain medication 
The homeless man addicted to heroin
The young student who tAkes party pills 
Or the housewife who is addicted to over the counter meds
There really is no typical addict 
Addiction knows no boundaries
It crosses gender
It could happen to anyone 

After the interview yesterday
My mum, my sister and I went for dinner in one of the local pubs
I had bangers and mash
The others both had Turkey and Ham
It was delicious 
And very welcome on a cold winters day
When I got home 
I got straight in to my pyjamas 
And took my meds 
Lit a fire 
And cozied up on the couch for the evening 
The interview was running through my head 
Over and over again on a loop
By 10pm
I was starting to nod off
So I took mused off to bed
Read about three lines of my book
Before falling in to a deep sleep 

My mum and I brought Lea for a walk
Honey elected to stay in her bed
I don't blame her 
Then we went and did the food shopping 
Before dropping a few items over for my neighbour 
I am looking forward to taking it easy for the day
I have nothing to do
And the whole day to do it 

The interview 
If nothing else
Was a great learning experience 
I learned that I have valuable experience 
That will be perfect, maybe not for this job
But for another job 
I learned that I can feel massive anxiety 
But can push through it and get the job done 
I learned that my life could look interesting to an outsider 
And hopefully 
Because of that 
I will be remembered
I learned that I can walk in to a room with three strangers
And sell myself, my qualities and experience 
I learned that I am not a waste of space 
That all my life experience has not been in vain 
That every little thing in my life 
Has made me who I am today 
And I'm starting to see 
That I am an ok person 
I have made monumental mistakes in my time 
Sometimes I do such stupid things 
That I think I need my head examined 
I have learned from every mistake 
And most people are kind enough to give a second chance 
Because everyone deserves one 
Every one f**ks up royally once in a while 
That's life
That's human 
That's growing up
If I let every mistake I ever made get me down 
I would never get anywhere 
We have to let it go
We have to  forgive ourselves
Hope others can Too
And move on
I know that I'm not a bad person
Yes I've done some utterly stupid things in my time 
In addiction 
I was cunning, sly, manipulative 
I swear an addict with a bit of a brain is a dangerous combination 
But most people are good
It is rarely you meet someone who is bad to the bone 
Yes, they are out there 
But they are the exception rather than the rule

In other news
I have given up weighing myself 
I'm just not willing to let a stupid little number dictate my mood and self esteem anymore
I'm sick of measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces 
It doesn't matter what I weigh 
It really doesn't 
As long as I am not drastically underweight 
Or drastically over weight
Somewhere in between is absolutely fine 
I'm pretty sure my weight is holding steady though 
As my clothes fit the same
I've had to wear my jeans rolled down at the top
As most of them are too big for me now 
So it's no harm if I gain a few pounds 
I know the too skinny look is not a good one 
Health wise or aesthetically 
So I'm going to use the moderation approach 
Everything in moderation 
Including moderation
That sounds like a good plan to me
And anyway 
Mary has asked me not to weigh at home 
And she will weigh me once a week

That's all from me today folks
Thanks for reading and supporting my blog
See you on the next post...


  1. A lot of us have been saying, luv--no good will come from weighing. I know some people who have been recovered for years and can weigh themselves without a bother, but as for me, I don't think I will ever weigh myself again. I know my limits and I know I'm not ready to see a number on a scale. To truly break free from the power of that number means not knowing it.

    Hope you've been able to relax after your interview. Enjoy your weekend!

  2. I see that now Mich
    It's self torture
    And I'm not prepared to hold myself up to such a silly standard

    Thank you Hun
    I will be relaxing and praying a lot this weekend x


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