Saturday, 20 August 2016

Saturday

I usually work Saturdays 
But 
Work is quiet so I have another day off
This is both a good and a bad thing 
Bad in that I don't get paid 
Meaning that this week I have only worked a total of eight hours
But good in that I get to do fun stuff
Like sleep in 
Watch TV 
And blog and generally relax
So that's what I'm doing today
There are a lot of things about work I would love to blog about 
But I don't feel right writing about them
And posting it on the Internet 
So I will just keep things general
Last week 
And the week before 
I picked up extra hours 
As one of the girls was unwell
I was grateful to have the extra hours and pay 
But towards the end of the week
I kind of felt like I was being tAken for granted 
The sick girl was supposed to come back to work Thursday morning 
But I got a text at midnight on Wednesday from her 
Asking me to do her shift 
I was pretty annoyed about being asked at such short notice 
But 
I thought there was no one to go in to do the shift 
So I agreed to do it
I got up at 7am the next morning 
To be in work for 8 am
I was not a happy camper to say the least 
I thought I was on my own to do breakfast 
So you can imagine my surprise when one of the other ladies who works there walked in the door 
She was just as surprised to see me
Then the girl who had been poorly turned up too 
I was pretty annoyed 
Although I didn't show it 
Needless to say 
I left them to it 
And headed home
Later on that day 
I got a call from Georgina 
She apologised about the morning 
And said that this girl should never have asked me to work 
Without going through Georgina first 
She had a stern talk with her 
I then got a flurry of texts from the girl 
Apologising 
And trying to make things right
Of course I won't hold a grudge 
And apart from my feeling a little bit used 
No harm was done 
So we will build a bridge and get over it 

In other news 
Following my last post 
A few of you were adamant 
That I should not weigh myself on Monday
Just to remind you 
I have been feeling very fat and cumbersome
And had planned to get my doctor to weigh me on Monday morning 
I just feel like there is so much of me 
Sometimes it bothers me 
But most of the time I can rationalise that I am not obese 
And am in fact a healthy weight 
But recently 
I am finding it hard to appease myself 
I know there are other ways to keep an eye on my weight
Like how my clothes fit 
They fit perfectly 
In all honesty 
I feel no difference there 
But then I look in the mirror 
And I estimate by looking at myself 
They I am  size 14-16
Even though my clothes are size 8-10
And as well as that 
I hate that it still matters to me what I weigh 
Up until now 
I have been going by how I feel 
And not how I look 
I feel pretty good 
So who cares what I weigh?
Well
Me apparently 
I bloody care 
Or at least the ED part of me cares
But really and truly 
Weight should be the last thing on my mind 
And most of the time it is 
But just in the last week 
Having so much time off 
Has me looking for trouble 
This is why being busy is good for me people 
It keeps my mind distracted 
And I don't have time to think about things like weight or drugs 
But look
Hopefully this is just a temporary thing 
And I will move past it 
I am undecided whether to weigh on Monday or not
I guess one of two things could happen 
I could be relieved and reassured 
Or I could be horrified and repulsed 
But really 
I shouldn't let those numbers get to me so much 
However 
I will think about it 
And as ever 
I will keep you posted 

There is a girl at work 
And she has taken it upon herself to set me up with a guy 
She herself is all loved up 
So I guess she wants me to be too
She spoke about a few possibilities 
Even the chef at work 
But another girl that works there has a little crush on him
So I couldn't really do that to her
She could very well hunt me down and kill me in my sleep
But to be honest with you 
I do think the chef is a really nice and good guy 
When I first met him 
I didn't feel any attraction at all
But as I got to know him
And saw what a really sound guy he is 
He became more attractive to me 
Now 
The thing is 
I am not sure if I am mistaking friendship for something more 
I mean 
We get on great 
And he knows some of my history 
And didn't run in the opposite direction when I told him
He's just a very kind, caring and considerate guy 
I like him 
I'm just not sure if I like him like him
Am I making any sense here at all?
Watch this space I guess 

So 
All in all 
Things are going well 
I'm happy in work 
Happy with my friends 
Happy with my hobbies which keep me sane 
Happy at horse riding 
Happy in my recovery 
It's only been a few months 
But my life has changed drastically 
It's unrecognisable to what it was 
And I am so very grateful for that 
Also to have this community 
You all have been there for the past four and a half years 
Laughed and cried with me 
And always there by my side 
I am eternally grateful for that 
I will never forget you 
Thank you 
To each and every one of you 
From the bottom of my heart 

5 comments:

  1. That's exciting about being set up on a date! See how things go with the chef. If you two really hit it off, it sucks for the girl who likes him, but don't let guilt stop you from being with someone who could be your perfect mate. One step at a time, see how it goes.

    Part of recovery is going days, sometimes weeks at a time feeling huge and horrible. I know for me, years ago if I gave in to those feelings and weighed, the ED came storming back into my head and I basically destroyed all the progress I had made. After falling off the recovery wagon and getting run over by it, climbing back on felt like starting the whole thing all over again. It's not worth it, I promise you. Whatever your weight is, if it feels like it matters, the ED is trying to get you back. You can get through this without knowing the numbers.

    Be well, luv. <3

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  2. Just watch out....you shouldn't get your bread where you get your honey.......

    Plenty of people 14-16 have fantastic lives by the way!! None of that stuff matters.

    X

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  3. I agree with the ladies above ...
    Also, don't forget that shape & weight fluctuate over the course of a menstrual cycle. Some women bloat massively just before their cycle, or at particular points in the month. It's not real weight gain, it's just what the body does.
    But basically, I agree with Mich.
    Anyway, I hope you had a good day. Lots of love...

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  4. Yes, as has been written above, weight fluctuates a lot, especially for us girls (women? ladies?) with our damn menstrual cycle. Don't listen to the scales, they're just trying to lure you back in!

    I am so happy for you, Ruby dear; be happy too!

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