Counselling

I had my first counselling appointment this morning

And it couldn't have come soon enough

I used to see this lady a few years ago

And always found her good

One of the better therapists I have seen over the years

It took me a while to find the place

I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car

Even though I have been driving for years

I am not very confident

But then I am not very confident in general 

So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life

Anyway

I found it eventually 

I knocked on the door

And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room

There was a clock ticking

And the obligatory box of tissues on the table

I settled in to my seat

And we began by talking about where we had left off

I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital

So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover

How my mood and anxiety have improved

And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard

She asked me what I would like to work on

So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem

And how I have very little belief in myself

How my bulimia persists 

And how I want to move on with my life

She asked me where I would like to move too

I told I wouldn't to be more sociable

Get my purging under control

And get back in to real life

As in doing a course

Or getting a job

She asked me if that's what I want

I said I feel I should do these things

And I do feel that

It's not necessarily what I want

But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far

She said I had a lot of determination 

That I can do anything I set my mind to

At one point she said I was 'some woman'

I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened

I tend to focus on what I haven't done

Rather than what I have done

She listed out the thins o have done

Beaten drug addiction

Alcoholism

I have up smoking

I maintain a healthy weight

Worked on myself

And the way I feel about myself

It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety

Breathing

Awareness

Mindfulness

Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head

And I need that

Practical ways to deal with these things

I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today

My butterflies are very busy

I was supposed to go to his house

But now I think he is coming here

I guess when I spend some time with him

It will become clear whether I like him or not

At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news

I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist

That is amazing

I'm hoping it's true

I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day

And she commented that I look like I have lost weight

The ED part of me was delighted

And I got a little buzz

That feeling is addictive

I just want more and more of it

I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost

And they confirmed it

It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world

But I won't 

I won't let that happen

I have too much to lose now

So I am doing my level best to get back on track

I know that my weight is still settling down

And I have lost weight

But I am still in the healthy weight range

I am ok with it with my weight

I don't hate it

I don't love it

It is what it is

My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy

I think that is my set point

So all in all

Life is good at the moment

I have my health

And my mental health 

That is all I need

For now.......