Tuesday, 27 January 2015


I had my first counselling appointment this morning
And it couldn't have come soon enough
I used to see this lady a few years ago
And always found her good
One of the better therapists I have seen over the years
It took me a while to find the place
I had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my car
Even though I have been driving for years
I am not very confident
But then I am not very confident in general 
So I guess it spills over in to every area of my life
I found it eventually 
I knocked on the door
And I was buzzed in

The counsellor showed me in to a room
There was a clock ticking
And the obligatory box of tissues on the table
I settled in to my seat
And we began by talking about where we had left off
I stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospital
So I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then

I explained how I have begun to recover
How my mood and anxiety have improved
And how I have regained weight to a healthy standard
She asked me what I would like to work on
So I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteem
And how I have very little belief in myself
How my bulimia persists 
And how I want to move on with my life
She asked me where I would like to move too
I told I wouldn't to be more sociable
Get my purging under control
And get back in to real life
As in doing a course
Or getting a job
She asked me if that's what I want
I said I feel I should do these things
And I do feel that
It's not necessarily what I want
But I feel it is expected of me

The counsellor said that I have come so far
She said I had a lot of determination 
That I can do anything I set my mind to
At one point she said I was 'some woman'
I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happened
I tend to focus on what I haven't done
Rather than what I have done
She listed out the thins o have done
Beaten drug addiction
I have up smoking
I maintain a healthy weight
Worked on myself
And the way I feel about myself
It hasn't been easy

The counsellor gave me some methods to manage my anxiety
Skills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my head
And I need that
Practical ways to deal with these things
I'm glad I went today

I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' today
My butterflies are very busy
I was supposed to go to his house
But now I think he is coming here
I guess when I spend some time with him
It will become clear whether I like him or not
At least I hope it will

Oh and I have some good news
I heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialist
That is amazing
I'm hoping it's true
I'm really hoping that it's true

I was with my friend the other day
And she commented that I look like I have lost weight
The ED part of me was delighted
And I got a little buzz
That feeling is addictive
I just want more and more of it
I asked my Mum and sister if I had lost
And they confirmed it
It's hard not to get sucked back in to that world
But I won't 
I won't let that happen
I have too much to lose now
So I am doing my level best to get back on track
I know that my weight is still settling down
And I have lost weight
But I am still in the healthy weight range
I am ok with it with my weight
I don't hate it
I don't love it
It is what it is
My BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthy
I think that is my set point

So all in all
Life is good at the moment
I have my health
And my mental health 
That is all I need
For now.......


  1. i share your anxiety with driving,mine is usually about parking and being late,i went sky diving but freaked out more over getting there,my family don't get it! so happy to hear mary might be back will you be able to see her again? i sometimes ask if my weights changed because i can't tell,in my head I'm forever fat.you are doing so great remember ,you are climbing mountains!much love jo x

  2. Sounds like you've archieved so much by now, that's really great. You should be proud of yourself and think positively about the future ;)

  3. so glad things are looking up for you, you deserve it.keep strong. j x

  4. I'm an anxious driver too, I codnt bring myself to drive in the traffic when I moved to Sydney considering I go my licence in a country town with quiet roads. I sold my car and I haven't driven since moving to Sydney in 2010.
    Time will tell if you like the boy or not , it's how it worked out with my fiancé and I, things just gradually happened over time and now we're getting married.
    I'm glad the councelling appointment went well and I hope that it's true Mary is back too, she sounds amazing the way you write about her. I've been to many therapists, but none were remarkable really.
    Good luck with everything Ruby, take care x

  5. I'm so glad the appointment finally came around. It's been a bit of a worry that you weren't seeing anyone. It sounds like it went really well. Awesome news that Mary might be back, too!!

    Sorry I don't have many words right now. Good luck with The Boy. Time will tell!



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