Archive

I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archive

It was truly fascinating

Every little detail from the last three years of my life documented

It really was like reading about someone else's life

A lot of things I had forgotten

Thank you pesky short term memory loss

Some things I had blocked from my memory

Some things I didn't even want to be reminded of 

But what a journey I have been on

I forget a lot of the time how much has happened

What I have been through

What I have survived

It's crazy

I went back to March 2013

Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitis

That time is very hazy

And to read all about it

As if I was a third person was chilling

It was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidly

A lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with Mary

I don't really think about her right now because it's easier not to

But she really was an amazingly positive influence in my life

To read about her

The stories she told me

The way she told me endlessly that I could get well 

And live a full and happy life

She was so sure

So sure that I could recover

Why did I ever doubt her?

Sometimes I think about my life

And how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earth

If I think about it too much

It can really get me down

People always tell me 

That I have overcome so much

I've battled drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia

But I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start off

I am now at the point in my life

Or least I am getting to the point in my life

Where most people are before they can walk

A 'normal' healthy functioning human being

I feel like I am so far behind

I don't know if I will ever catch up 

Or if I even want to

I have far too much time on my hands

And my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places 

Too dark and twisty for my liking

I think about drugs

And how I miss them

I think about The boy

And how much trouble we could get in together

I think about death

And how I equally fear it and welcome it

I really wish my mind had an off switch 

As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion

Edit: This post was brought to you by a girl whose head, for a brief period today, was up her ass

Don't worry

I haven't 

And will not do any of said 'dark and twisty' things

Normal service will resume tomorrow

When said head is out of said ass

And yes

I am loving using the word 'said' at the moment

Said word is awesome.....