Saturday, 31 January 2015

Life as we know it

It was last May when I began to get my life together
I had just started new meds
My depression finally lifted
My anxiety lessened considerably
And life as I know it began to improve
Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of me
Like it happened to me
And I had nothing to do with it
But I made the changes 
So I know I had at least some part in it
Since last May  
A lot has happened 
I've regained wright to a healthy BMI
I went on a holiday
Which was harder than you might think
I gave up smoking
Which for me was massive
And I still think that could go belly up at any time
I don't take it for granted that I am out of the woods
Everyday I fight the urge to light up a smoke
It hasn't been easy

So yes
My life has changed a lot in the last few months
Ed wise
That has improved too
I've gone from purging 10-20 times a day
To 2-5 times a day
My day used to revolve around eating and purging
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
It was relentless
A living hell
I was stealing food from shops
Financially I couldn't keep up with the amount of food I was eating
I was consumed with guilt and shame
My relationship with my family was strained
I couldn't stop
My health was failing
I was falling apart
And I hated myself
I felt like such a failure
Such a waste of space
Such a burden to my family
And yet I couldn't stop
Even my dog was stressed to the max
And hey fur was falling out
Thankfully when I began to recover 
So did she

Even though things have drastically improved for me and my family
Everything is not perfect
I struggle to keep my food down
I struggle to eat proper meals
My self esteem changes from one day to the next
My body image is questionable
I battle guilt and shame
I mourn for the life I could have had
But I am grateful
Grateful to have made it to the age of 33 relatively unscathed
As my mother always says
Given what this family had been through
We are not doing too badly
I whole heartedly agree

Sometimes it seems that when I get one problem under control
Another pops up
I've struggled to stop weighing myself
And it's a constant battle to take my meds correctly
But I do consider myself to be in recovery
As I do want a better life
I do want to grow and learn and thrive
Amazing things have happened in the last few months
I feel stable and able
Stronger and more capable than I've frly in a long time
I've even had a bit of boy drama
Which has been a lot of fun
I think recovery is about constantly moving forward
Granted it may sometimes be one step forward and two steps back
But the important thing is to keep going
To keep putting one foot in front of the other
To get out of bed every morning
And live life the best way I know how
To keep doing the next right thing
To pick ourselves up after we fall
To fight
For our sanity
Our peace of mind
And for our lives 
To never give up

When I was really sick 
I had been that way for so long
I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good
I was so numb
An empty shell
The only things I felt were self hatred and guilt and shame
I wanted to disappear
I couldn't see the point of life
The point of my life
I spent most of my time running
From myself
From others
From life 
I just didn't see the point of me
In my eyes 
I was a waste of space
A parasite
Over the last few months
I've seen a glimpse of what my life could be like
How it's possible to feel good
To feel hopeful
And positive
To look forward to things
To enjoy the company of others
To feel comfortable in my own skin
To love
And to feel loved
To feel worthy
To wake up in the morning
And not dread the day ahead
To look in the mirror
And not hate what I see
To make friends 
To laugh
To feel 
To not feel afraid of life
To talk to strangers 
To smile 
To be able to accept a compliment
To feel alive 

This is all wonderful
But there is a part of me
Quite a big part of me
That is absolutely terrified
Scared witless
Frightened beyond belief
Of life
Life without my ED
Life without my addiction
Living life on life's terms
To an extent
I still very much hide
And my life is very limited
I wake up early every morning
Have my tea
I blog
I walk my dogs
I might see a friend
I might go shopping
I might do something with my sister
But apart from that
I don't do a whole lot
I don't work
I don't study
I don't go to meetings
Even though I know it would be good for me
Because I am afraid
Afraid of failing 
Afraid that peor won't like me
Or 'get' me
Afraid I'll do or say something silly 
Or that anxiety will prevent me from speaking at all
But the thing is
I want to do all these things
I want to go to meetings
I want to see friends
I want to date
I want to learn or study
I want to put myself out there
I'm just having a lot of trouble getting past my fear

I seem to be able to manage bigger tasks
Like giving up smoking
It's the little things that get me
Like meeting a friend
Or starting a course
These things seem impossible to me
Do I hide 
I hide in my house
I watch tv do I don't have to listen to my own negative and intrusive thoughts
I pretend that there isn't a whole big world out there
I cancel meeting friends because I can't get out the front door

I guess it is a confidence thing
I don't have a lot of self confidence 
Or belief in myself 
In fact
I have none
None at all

But I think this
What I am going through 
Is fairly normal for someone trying to recover
I've been out of real life for a long time
It's going to be an adjustment getting back in to things

Even though it is so very scary
I will keep going
I will keep fighting for a better life
What is the alternativ?

I was wondering about you 
Do you ever feel like this?
Afraid and overwhelmed
Scared and stuck?
Am I the only one?


  1. I know exactly what it's like. Everything outside my small apartment is too big, too much for me. I wish I were normal, that I had a job and a life. Maybe I will someday, but not right now. If I try to force it, I fail.

    Even if you're not *there* yet, you have come so far, remember that.

  2. Sweetheart you are not the only one.surely not here in your lovely community,neitner out there.everyone who hasa heart and is human feels like this. But no matter how many people tell you how great you are and how much you have already achieved it will never be enough until you are able to see it yourself WITHOUT anybody telling you so. But of course we will all keep on telling youhun, regardless!!!

  3. You're definitely not the only one! I believe you when you say you're scared, but it doesn't sound like you're stuck - you're moving in the right direction. Keep going and the rest will come. x

  4. I think that as time goes with recovery, you begin to accept that ED is the demon, that's the first. and as time goes on, not only you discover small things about yourself, but you also will be okay with conquering little things. I am also in the process of challenging myself with little things. I never consider myself to having an anxiety problem, but honestly, I probably do because of the way that I act. and I recognize that now, but beforehand, I thought it didn't exist at all despite me having panic attacks multiple times a week. it is so strange for something to be so clear cut and for me not to recognize it because it used to be so much stronger.

    all I know is that it gets better as time goes on, not worse. and that's all you've got to hold on to some days, even on the days where you feel like it's not getting any better. because it is. big miracles take little amounts of time. all you can do is keep on challenging yourself. keep on doing things that scare you...until they're not scary. until they become second nature. that's all.

    after all, you know what's always on my mind? 'what's the worst that could happen?'

    -Sam Lupin


Thank you for leaving some love x