Life as we know it

It was last May when I began to get my life together

I had just started new meds

My depression finally lifted

My anxiety lessened considerably

And life as I know it began to improve

Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of me

Like it happened to me

And I had nothing to do with it

But I made the changes 

So I know I had at least some part in it

Since last May  

A lot has happened 

I've regained wright to a healthy BMI

I went on a holiday

Which was harder than you might think

I gave up smoking

Which for me was massive

And I still think that could go belly up at any time

I don't take it for granted that I am out of the woods

Everyday I fight the urge to light up a smoke

It hasn't been easy

So yes

My life has changed a lot in the last few months

Ed wise

That has improved too

I've gone from purging 10-20 times a day

To 2-5 times a day

My day used to revolve around eating and purging

I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom

It was relentless

A living hell

I was stealing food from shops

Financially I couldn't keep up with the amount of food I was eating

I was consumed with guilt and shame

My relationship with my family was strained

I couldn't stop

My health was failing

I was falling apart

And I hated myself

I felt like such a failure

Such a waste of space

Such a burden to my family

And yet I couldn't stop

Even my dog was stressed to the max

And hey fur was falling out

Thankfully when I began to recover 

So did she

Even though things have drastically improved for me and my family

Everything is not perfect

I struggle to keep my food down

I struggle to eat proper meals

My self esteem changes from one day to the next

My body image is questionable

I battle guilt and shame

I mourn for the life I could have had

But I am grateful

Grateful to have made it to the age of 33 relatively unscathed

As my mother always says

Given what this family had been through

We are not doing too badly

I whole heartedly agree

Sometimes it seems that when I get one problem under control

Another pops up

I've struggled to stop weighing myself

And it's a constant battle to take my meds correctly

But I do consider myself to be in recovery

As I do want a better life

I do want to grow and learn and thrive

Amazing things have happened in the last few months

I feel stable and able

Stronger and more capable than I've frly in a long time

I've even had a bit of boy drama

Which has been a lot of fun

I think recovery is about constantly moving forward

Granted it may sometimes be one step forward and two steps back

But the important thing is to keep going

To keep putting one foot in front of the other

To get out of bed every morning

And live life the best way I know how

To keep doing the next right thing

To pick ourselves up after we fall

To fight

For our sanity

Our peace of mind

And for our lives 

To never give up

When I was really sick 

I had been that way for so long

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good

I was so numb

An empty shell

The only things I felt were self hatred and guilt and shame

I wanted to disappear

I couldn't see the point of life

The point of my life

I spent most of my time running

From myself

From others

From life 

I just didn't see the point of me

In my eyes 

I was a waste of space

A parasite

 

Over the last few months

I've seen a glimpse of what my life could be like

How it's possible to feel good

To feel hopeful

And positive

To look forward to things

To enjoy the company of others

To feel comfortable in my own skin

To love

And to feel loved

To feel worthy

To wake up in the morning

And not dread the day ahead

To look in the mirror

And not hate what I see

To make friends 

To laugh

To feel 

To not feel afraid of life

To talk to strangers 

To smile 

To be able to accept a compliment

To feel alive 

This is all wonderful

But there is a part of me

Quite a big part of me

That is absolutely terrified

Scared witless

Frightened beyond belief

Of life

Life without my ED

Life without my addiction

Living life on life's terms

To an extent

I still very much hide

And my life is very limited

I wake up early every morning

Have my tea

I blog

I walk my dogs

I might see a friend

I might go shopping

I might do something with my sister

But apart from that

I don't do a whole lot

I don't work

I don't study

I don't go to meetings

Even though I know it would be good for me

Why?

Because I am afraid

Afraid of failing 

Afraid that peor won't like me

Or 'get' me

Afraid I'll do or say something silly 

Or that anxiety will prevent me from speaking at all

But the thing is

I want to do all these things

I want to go to meetings

I want to see friends

I want to date

I want to learn or study

I want to put myself out there

I'm just having a lot of trouble getting past my fear

Strangely 

I seem to be able to manage bigger tasks

Like giving up smoking

It's the little things that get me

Like meeting a friend

Or starting a course

These things seem impossible to me

Do I hide 

I hide in my house

I watch tv do I don't have to listen to my own negative and intrusive thoughts

I pretend that there isn't a whole big world out there

I cancel meeting friends because I can't get out the front door

I guess it is a confidence thing

I don't have a lot of self confidence 

Or belief in myself 

In fact

I have none

None at all

But I think this

What I am going through 

Is fairly normal for someone trying to recover

I've been out of real life for a long time

It's going to be an adjustment getting back in to things

Even though it is so very scary

I will keep going

I will keep fighting for a better life

What is the alternativ?

I was wondering about you 

Do you ever feel like this?

Afraid and overwhelmed

Scared and stuck?

Am I the only one?