The scales

As you know
I smashed my scales last week
So my house is now a scale free zone
And what what a revelation that is
Over Christmas
I was weighing every day
At least once a day
And carefully recorded the number in my notebook
It's addictive
That feeling of standing on the scale
And seeing how much you're  worth
Is so addictive
But it is a game of numerical roulette
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
I was literally measuring my worth in pounds and ounces
That number dictated my mood for the day
My self esteem
And my self worth
All dictated by those little red numbers

I didn't miss my scale at first
But a few days in
And I was dying to know
I even thought about buying  new scale
But I decided not too
No good can come of it

I am going by clothes

And they fit me just fine

So I'm ok with that

My body image is a bit all over the place at the moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror 

And I want to cry

Sometimes I think I look ok

Sometimes I think I look something approaching good

It changes from day to day

Minute to minute

And is subject to change at the drop of a hat

But you know what?

Not weighing myself every day is something of s revelation

When I threw my first scales in to the lake

I knew there was another one in the house 

So I knew I could still find out my weight if I wanted to

But this time

Well now my house is scale free

I have to tell you

It is so liberating

Apart from the odd time when I get an urge to weigh

I feel positively free

Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my  shoulders

Literally

The scale was my best friend

And my worst enemy

Depending on the number I was

I'd get up in the morning

Go to the bathroom

Then strip

And stand tentatively on the scale

Holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number

Before I stood on the scale

I would have a number in my head

A safe number

Anything under that number would be gone

But anything more

And the shit would really hit the fan

So now I have no earthly clue what my weight is

And I don't think I want to know

All I know is that I feel ok in my skin

Not fantastic

But not unbearable either

I can tolerate myself 

Most of the time 

My clothes fit fine

And are even a bit loose

So I feel safe in the knowledge that my weight is settling down

And is becoming stable

Thank you Jesus

My weight is stabilising 

I feel like I am getting back to myself

After a rocky Christmas

Getting my meds daily has really helped

As I have no opportunity to misuse them

I feel clear headed

Capable and strong

And generally in better form

Now I just need to stay on track

Head down

Bum up 

And keep on going