We are family

As you know
I smashed my scales to bits  the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
However
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight

And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing




Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body'  so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight

When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)

And if there is one thing that I have learned over the years

Is that thin does not make me happy

I have been every size

From zero to twelve

And I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all them

So at the moment

I am going by how my clothes fit

And they fit just fine

So let's go with that

Anyway

On to another matter

Outdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last post

And said I had helped her reach out and ask for help

She write about how after so long she is ready to accept help

I was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasons

First I am so happy that she asked for help

That is the first and most vital step

I think us ED girls don't like to tell others about our struggles

We are ashamed

We feel guilty

We feel we are a burden if we ask for help 

In fact it's quite the opposite

It takes s lot of courage to ask for help

Those three words

Please help me

Are so difficult to say

But if we can find the strength to say them

The relief is immense

So well done OJ

I am so proud of you

Second

It warms my heart

And fills me with joy

To know that my blog is helping others

Sometimes I am writing

And I'm wondering if anyone is reading

Or if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internet

So to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone else

Whether it is to ask for help

Or that that person can relate and doesn't feel so alone

That blows my mind

As you know

My writing policy has always been to be open and honest

Brutally honest

I know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailing

That everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recovery

And maybe it is that way for some people

It's not for me 

My recovery had been tumultuous to say the least

So many ups and downs

Highs and lows

It's a rollercoaster

As my sponsor used to say to me

Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride

No more than life

Recovery is not a smooth run

Life is tough

It's hard going

It can be frustrating

Sad

Overwhelming

Boring

Infuriating

Fun

The whole gamut of emotions

Recovery is the same

My aim writing this blog

Has always been to help myself

To connect with others

And hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating 

So to know that is happening is truly wonderful

I know I say it a lot

But this community never ceases to amaze me

How we help and support each other

It's unique and so very special

I will continue to write

I will continue to fight against this cruel illness 

The illness that wants us dead

The illness that steals the best years of our lives

That wants to control our bodies and minds

That wants to isolate us from those that love us

The illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothing

It is so important that we keep putting

One foot in front of the other and keep going

That we fight every day for a better life

It's so important that we don't lose our will to live

That we keep hoping

And believing that there is hope after our EDs

Because there is

I am just starting to see that

I am getting a glimpse of what my life could be

And that is so wonderful

So please 

Don't ever give up

Keep your head up

Don't listen to your ED that whispers in your ear

It's lies

It's all horse shit

As they say in AA

We alone can do it

But we can not do it alone