Thursday 15 January 2015

We are family

As you know
I smashed my scales to bits  the other day
My house is now scale free
And I intend to keep it that way
However
That does not quell my curiosity
I am dying to know what my weight is
Every time I go in to collect my meds
My attention is draw the huge scale in the corner of the shop
It's one of those fancy, new fangled ones
That measures your weight and body fat and blood pressure amongst other things
I used to use it all the time
I must have been quite a sight
Taking of as many layers as I could get away with in public
Studying the little slip of paper it shoots out
Like it was a winning Lottery ticket
I saved those pieces of paper
Kept them in my wallet
And took them out regularly to read them
To ease my mind that I wasn't overweight

And then I noticed the other day
That my chemist is stocking Weight Watchers scales
You know the ones
You can track your weight progress and that sort of thing




Not to mention all the weight loss aids that are being promoted now
I see all sorts of things as I walk around the shop
Slimming aids
Meal replacement shakes
Meal replacement soups
Protein bars
All kinds of pills and potions
It doesn't trigger me really
But it does fascinate me
I remember being in the chemist one day
And one of the shop assistants was explaining to a woman
How this particular product 'binds to the fat in your body'  so it is eliminated
I remember thinking how silly do you have to be to believe this stuff
Surely of any of these products worked
Then nobody would be over weight

When you have an ED
You go to any lengths to lose weight
At least I did
Laxatives (Don't work)
Enemas (Don't work)
Salt flushes (Don't work)
Diet pills (Don't work)
Fasting (Only leads to a binge)
Purging (Works only to a point)

And if there is one thing that I have learned over the years
Is that thin does not make me happy
I have been every size
From zero to twelve
And I can honestly say that I was equally miserable at all them
So at the moment
I am going by how my clothes fit
And they fit just fine
So let's go with that

Anyway
On to another matter
Outdoor Junkie mentioned me in her last post
And said I had helped her reach out and ask for help
She write about how after so long she is ready to accept help
I was so delighted to read this post for a couple of reasons
First I am so happy that she asked for help
That is the first and most vital step
I think us ED girls don't like to tell others about our struggles
We are ashamed
We feel guilty
We feel we are a burden if we ask for help 
In fact it's quite the opposite
It takes s lot of courage to ask for help
Those three words
Please help me
Are so difficult to say
But if we can find the strength to say them
The relief is immense
So well done OJ
I am so proud of you

Second
It warms my heart
And fills me with joy
To know that my blog is helping others
Sometimes I am writing
And I'm wondering if anyone is reading
Or if I am just shouting in to the abyss that is the internet
So to road that my words have gone some way to helping someone else
Whether it is to ask for help
Or that that person can relate and doesn't feel so alone
That blows my mind

As you know
My writing policy has always been to be open and honest
Brutally honest
I know a lot blogs out there paint a picture that recovery is plain sailing
That everything is rainbows and sunshine once you choose recovery
And maybe it is that way for some people
It's not for me 
My recovery had been tumultuous to say the least
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
It's a rollercoaster
As my sponsor used to say to me
Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride

No more than life
Recovery is not a smooth run
Life is tough
It's hard going
It can be frustrating
Sad
Overwhelming
Boring
Infuriating
Fun
The whole gamut of emotions
Recovery is the same

My aim writing this blog
Has always been to help myself
To connect with others
And hopefully to help others through my experience with addiction and disordered eating 
So to know that is happening is truly wonderful

I know I say it a lot
But this community never ceases to amaze me
How we help and support each other
It's unique and so very special
I will continue to write
I will continue to fight against this cruel illness 
The illness that wants us dead
The illness that steals the best years of our lives
That wants to control our bodies and minds
That wants to isolate us from those that love us
The illness that tells us we are weak and pathetic and good for nothing
It is so important that we keep putting
One foot in front of the other and keep going
That we fight every day for a better life
It's so important that we don't lose our will to live
That we keep hoping
And believing that there is hope after our EDs
Because there is
I am just starting to see that
I am getting a glimpse of what my life could be
And that is so wonderful
So please 
Don't ever give up
Keep your head up
Don't listen to your ED that whispers in your ear
It's lies
It's all horse shit

As they say in AA
We alone can do it
But we can not do it alone

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for your words Ruby I really needed to hear them today. I've told you before how much your blog helps me and I'm so grateful I stumbled onto it. When I read your posts I feel like I'm reading a letter from a friend, one who just "gets it" and it's really comforting.
    Thank you.

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  2. Aw Sarah thank you so so much for your kind and thoughtful words
    It really means more than you know
    I am so glad to know that my blog goes some way to helping you
    That is exactly why I write
    For you
    And all the other girls/boys suffering out there x

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  3. darling let me tell you something

    I honestly am filled with joy the first time I opened your blog and saw you were on the road to recovery. I honestly felt like it was an absolute miracle. I daren't touch your blog beforehand because I thought it would be triggering, but wow, I honestly didn't imagine this to be true. you are a valiant queen in the ED recovery blogosphere really. I absolutely adore you and I love how strong you are and how strong you've been. I honestly wouldn't want you to suffer a day longer with this stupid disease. also, let me tell you another thing - the little pictures on the side make me so happy whenever I see them! <3

    I especially love the first two on top! :)

    -Sam Lupin

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  4. It's true, I never knew what an amazing community was available online! Thank you again, Ruby. My first appointment is tomorrow morning. I'm excited and nervous as hell.

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