Monday, 15 February 2016


Yesterday was tough
I woke up in the morning 
Feeling good that I had got my ass to a meeting 
But I wasn't feeling physically great
I know I am struggling these days 
Because walking my dogs is a struggle 
Usually I am out with them first thing in the morning
But at the moment it's not something I look forward to 
It doesn't help that it's freezing cold here 
Lea is giddy until she is brought for a walk
Honey can take it or leave it
But I do try my best to bring them every day
If not my sister will bring them
Yesterday was a bright but cold day
So we decided to go to the long beach about 15 minutes away 
We all bundled in to the car
And headed off 

This particular beach is frequented by surfers and other out door pursuits
We parked in the car park
And made our way down the steep incline to the shore
This incline is all loose stones 
And can be quite treacherous 
But we made it down 
And started walking across the beach 
Lea especially loved the beach
She runs around like a lunatic 
Jumping and rolling in the sand
Running so fast and enthusiastically that her tail rotates
To be honest 
I wasn't really enjoying the walk
But I walked as far as I could
And then turned back
We arrived at the incline again 
But I was starting to feel weak
My sister went on ahead 
And soon I started to feel really breathless and dizzy
I felt massive pressure on my head
My vision blurred
I was sure I was going to pass out
I looked for somewhere to sit down 
And found a large rock nearby
I tried to take deep breathes 
But I was only about one third of the way up the hill
I thought I would never make it back to the car 
Heaving myself off the rock
I tried to continue on 
But again
Dizziness and weakness overcame me
And I sat down again 
By now 
My sister had realised that something was wrong 
And walked back down to meet me 
I linked her and tried to walk again
But soon had to sit down again
And put my head between my knees 
I really thought I was going to hit the de k
I felt like this the morning I had my last pancreatitis attack
Except I had no pain this time 
My sister helped me to the car
And finally made it there 
I collapsed in to the seat 
So relieved to be back and able to sit down 
We arrived home 
And my sister made me eggs and toast
I then retired to the couch to rest
I felt terrible 
And looked even worse
I slept for a good while 
When I woke up 
I felt a lot better 
But this is a warning sign 
That my body is hurting 
I am hurting it 
This bout of weight loss is really taking its toll
It seems that I have a lot of work to do in that area

Monday morning 
And doctor day for me 
We left a bit earlier this morning 
As the roads were frosty 
I arrived at the surgery for my 9am appointment 
I had just sat down 
When my doctor called my name 
As I followed him in
He said he had a student in with him today 
And was that ok
He regularly has students in observing 
And I have no problem with that 
I took a seat in his room 
The student greeted me
I said hello back 
My doctor and I chit chatted for a while 
I told him about the job
He said that he didn't want to say it last week
But he thought that I wouldn't get it due to lack of experience 
He was delighted that I got the other job though
I also told him about the horse therapy
We were all done and dusted quickly
I collected my script
And said thanks and goodbye 
Another Monday over 
Another week begun 

Now that my real life is beginning to come together
There are some things that I need to address 
My weight is a pressing problem
As in the last week it has plummeted 
I feel it 
I feel underweight
I don't feel well
I don't feel healthy
My body is crying out for nourishment t 
And I'm not giving it
I've been thinking about this blog 
And how open I am 
A lot of people read every day 
And though I am not at all ashamed about my blog or my life 
I am starting to wonder if maybe I should protect myself a bit more 
Maybe not be quite so open and frank 
I just worry about employers finding it 
Don't get me wrong 
I have nothing to hide 
But I don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position 
Where the whole world knows my business 
I don't kid myself 
I know my problems are small fry compared to some people out there 
But I almost feel a duty to share my story 
In the hope that it will help others as well as myself 
Although I can see the benefits of being a open blogger 
There are also benefits to writing anonymously 
But as you know 
I am an all or nothing person
So I share either everything or nothing 
As my blog has grown 
I guess I have been more wary of what I write here
And I have gone back and deleted posts that maybe exposed me too much 
I also think about the negatives to blogging
The hate 
The anonymous comments that love to point out where I am going wrong
I ask myself the question
Is it worth it?
Is it worth the hassle?
The cruel comments 
Being judged
Being attacked 
Do the negatives out weigh the positives?
I ask myself this question regularly 
And most of the time
I come to the conclusion that it is worth it 
I do think it's unfair to judge though 
If there is one thing I don't do
Is judge people
I have learned over the years 
That people are the way they are for a reason
Who am I to judge? 
I am no better or no worse than anyone else
Judging others is dangerous ground
No one is perfect 
No one is infallible 
We all do silly things 
Make stupid mistakes 
That's the nature of us humans 
The trick is to learn from it 
And not repeat it 

I am doing my best with the cards I have been dealt 
I try every day to be a good person
I try not to hurt myself or others 
I try to be the best person I can possibly be 
But of course I mess up from time to time 
It's human nature 
The important thing is to keep going 
Keep fighting 
Keep hoping 
And believing 
We have to forgive ours and others mistakes 
Or else what is the point?
I have a lot to look forward to now 
So much to live for 
I need to get back on track
Need to be as well as I can be
So I can start my job
So I can begin horse therapy 
So I stay healthy both physically and mentally 
At the age of 34 
My life is just beginning 
Just starting to happen
I know that I have a real shot now 
At being happy 
And most importantly 
Having peace of mind 
That is my goal 
Just to have a quiet mind 
I can get there 
I truly believe I can and you can too


  1. do not write about your license. if someone reports you - in case you haven't got it yet - you are screwed. people are too evil.

  2. Maybe you should just take your test and pass it and then there would be no risk to you or others or potential future employers. Once something is on the Internet, it never really goes, even if you think it's deleted. Just get your test done and dusted- do the most responsible thing.

  3. I'm sorry you have to deal with the judgy f*cktards from your last post. I don't mean these guys^ they're offering advice without hate.

    I think your blog has helped you a lot more than it has harmed you. If you keep things anonymous enough (like keeping real names and/or full names out) and not telling people in real life where to find the blog, you should be ok.

    Your body is screaming for nourishment. This should be a sign that your number one focus has to be the purging. As difficult as it will be to actively make an effort to stop, you have to do it. Your body has reached its limits. The ED is killing you faster than you probably realize. I know you've said in the past that wonder if you will ever stop purging completely, but you will. One way or another--either you fight it with everything you've got and cut it out of your life, or it will cut your life off for you. There is no middle.

    You've made huge steps before. You can do this. We love you Rubs.xoxoxo

  4. Please try not to let the anon get to you. Their only intention is to ruffle your feathers.

    I see myself as an open blogger too. I've gone back and plucked out posts from time-to-time, aware it's never really gone. It's definitely a big thing to make a decision on - levels of openness and anonymity. Especially with your recent job search, I'm not surprised it's been on your mind. I've never paid much mind to the matter of employers. I was raised in a very open house in terms of talking about mental health, and it just sorta continued. My only concerns are things like illegal behavior or other people's anonymity.

    Love you Ruby. Don't you be going anywhere. Blogger wouldn't be the same without you.



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