Sunday, 14 February 2016

Mission Complete....

It's Sunday morning
And I am sat
On my living room floor
With a hot cup of tea
And the TV on in the background
I wrote yesterday about going to a meeting
And I am pleased to tell you that I did in fact go to a meeting last evening 
It was quite strange really
But in the last couple of days 
I have been feeling like I have to get to a meeting 
Usually I would rather eat my own foot than go to a meeting
But yesterday it just felt urgent that I get to one 
The meeting was about half an hour away
So I asked my Mum to come 
As I have often been on my way in to said meeting 
And ended up somewhere completely different 
So what has kept me away from the meetings?
Anxiety mainly 
And fear that people don't like me 
But yesterday 
I was able to put those fears aside for some reason 
I'm not quite sure why 
But I jumped on the opportunity to try and make some real progress

Mum and I left the house at about 5 20
I was so anxious and nervous on the way in 
That I couldn't even talk 
I just kept thinking 
It'll be over before i know it
We arrived at the building 
There were only two cars in the car park
I looked up to one of the windows where the light was on 
I could see movement 
People I didn't recognise 
I took a deep breath
Opened the car door
And headed for the entrance 
Walking in
My body felt weak and heavy with nerves
Walking up the stairs 
I could barely lift my feet
I felt like I was going to hit the deck
But I kept going 
I came to a closed door 
I could hear voices beyond 
I silently reached for the handle 
And pushed in
I scanned the room quickly
Three guys 
I didn't recognise any of them 
The meeting had started 
So I took the nearest seat 
And took deep breathes to calm down 
Just then the door opened 
And a girl walked in
She smiled at me as she came in
I smiled back
And she took a seat opposite me 

I don't know if you know how meeting s work 
But at the start 
The literature is read out 
Which takes about 15 minutes 
Then the meeting is opened 
And people can share 
Although there is no pressure 
You don't have to speak a word if you don't want to
I had told myself that I wouldn't speak 
Just to get myself in the door 
But being there 
And feeling the magic of the programme 
I decided to say a few words
I didn't say anything too personal
Just a bit about myself 
And my story 
I finished up 
And the final literature was read out 
We stood in a circle to say the serenity prayer 
And that was it
It was over 
I spoke to the girl for a while afterwards
She gave me her number 
Which I thought was really nice of her 
All in all
It was a good experience 
And I'm glad I went 
But I know the real test for me 
Is going when I don't want to go
When I think I don't need to go 
When it's raining outside 
And I am cosied up beside the fire and don't want to leave the house 
People in recovery count their clean time 
I never have 
Because I never got any substantial amount of clean time to count 
But I can see the benefit of it
From counting my smoke free time
So I've decided to start today 
St. Valentine's Day 
Day number one 

As always 
Thank you for your continued support 
It means more than you know


  1. this one really made me smile. i am SO pleased. x

  2. I hope your mum or sister can go with you every time at the beginning to help you actually go in. It's so hard to keep going on the days you least want to go so having them drop you and the doorstep and push you in sounds a good idea (and safer with driving issues too!). Keep going ruby.

    1. Yes
      That is the plan
      Until I can manage going myself
      How blessed am I that I have a family that support me so x

  3. I'm so happy you made it there. Hopefully each one will be easier than the last. Drummerboy goes to meetings regularly, and I've been thinking about going with him. It's been YEARS since I've gone, so I feel your nerves now.

    Happy Valentines Day! <3

    1. Thanks Mich
      And also for your text yesterday
      I just hope I can make it a whilst thing now
      Oh he's in recovery?
      That's cool
      He sounds like he is grounded
      Which is good

      Happy Valentines Day to you too x

  4. Thats great ruby you are winning!xx jo

    1. Thanks Jo Jo

      How are you doing? X

    2. Yes good recovering from daughters birthday party!all good xx

  5. Surely your mom or sister have to come so you can legally drive there?

  6. Oh just sod off

    1. Oh yes
      I make sure every single time I leave the house my mum and sister are with me
      You know they completely give up their lives to accompany me in my car....

    2. Someone needs to be with you until you pass your driving test. Yes people do a lot of illegal things but this is a life killer, and not only for you but for other people. And I don't think you'd manage the guilt of killing or leaving someone with life changing injuries for the sake of driving somewhere alone. And you'd have no insurance so you'd be screwed. Surely it's just not worth the risk? I really really don't understand why you're so blasé about something you could actually take responsibility for that is not mental health related (which I understand is exceptionally hard to manage).

    3. Why are you so sure I haven't passed my test?
      I don't write about every single little bit of my life here

  7. Because you boast if you do anything remotely positive so we all know you would have blasted it all over your blog!

    1. Jeez
      I just can't win can I?
      Forgive me for wanting to celebrate what little positives are in my life
      Why are you here?
      If you disagree with my life so much
      Move on!!!!

    2. They have a point though. You would have said about and you haven't, so you haven't passed. Just do your test. Otherwise you are playing with other people's lives as well as your own, which is completely unfair.

  8. Woo hoo!! So frikkin' proud of you right now, Ruby. It's a good move to get your mum's support. I knew you could do it! Hopefully this sets the ball rolling down the right path.

    Lots of love <3


Thank you for leaving some love x