Friday, 19 February 2016 all areas

Because things are improving again
And I feel like I am getting back on track
Back in a recovery frame of mind
I have to accept that weight restoration goes along with that 
I can't recover and maintain a low body weight 
When I saw Mary yesterday 
She asked me to get rid of my scales
But to continue to weigh once a week
In a pharmacy or where ever I can
As she is not going to weigh me any more 
I have a couple of issues about weighing in a pharmacy 
First, it's such a public place to do such an intimate thing 
I would be mortified
And second
As a rule
I weigh with no clothes on
And go by that 
I can't do that in a store
Well I guess I could 
But I would probably be arrested for indecent exposure
I've got this far in my life without a criminal record
I don't want to acquire one now 
So no
I won't be doing that 
I think I will just keep my scales and weigh once a week on them

I weighed this morning 
And I had gained almost two pounds 
At first I wasn't fussed
As Mary always says 
A kilo either way can be fluid or feaces 
But I as I went about my day
It began to get to me 
Anorexia had a right go at me
Calling me fat
I looked in the mirror 
And could almost see where those two pounds had gone 
But this is the thing 
It's a choice 
I can either be underweight 
And miserable 
And sick 
And depressed
Or I can gain a little weight 
And have the opportunity to really live my life 
Be healthy 
I think back to a few short months ago
When my weight was healthy
I used to think back then
If I only could lose some weight 
Then I would be happy 
Of course I did lose weight 
And I liked the way my clothes hung off me like I was a human coat hanger 
I liked that I could slip in to size 4 clothes 
That I had to roll down the tops of my jeans so they wouldn't fall down
I liked that people commented that I had lost weight 
But along with the weight loss
I began to lose my peace of mind 
I couldn't enjoy my new size
As my family and others were worried about me 
What good is a thin body
If you are unwell
If you are miserable 
Now that I am two stone lighter
Am I any happier?
To be honest 
I don't really think so 
It's different 
But not better 
The only difference is that I now take up less space 
Nothing more 

I don't know about you
But I don't go about my day
Judging people because of their weight 
It just doesn't come in to it
People come in all shapes and sizes 
But really it doesn't matter 
Who a person is 
Has nothing to do with what they look like 
Or what they weigh 
It's not about their body 
It s about their heart 
Their mind 
Their personality 
And I'm thinking if I'm not judging anyone else 
There are hardly many people judging me either 
I mean come on
Life is too short to worry about a few extra pounds 
And God knows I can afford to put on a few measly pounds 

One thing that can keep us locked in to our illness 
Is labels 
When you are diagnosed 
You are given the title of anorectic or bulimic 
You are told you have an eating disorder 
You might be declared underweight 
And you will be told you are unwell
And sick 
If you suffer with an ED for any extended
Period of time 
You be accustomed to being the sick one 
The ill one 
The underweight one 
People might treat you differently 
More gently 
With more compassion and empathy 
There may even be 'ED perks'
It may be very unpopular to write about this 
But there are benefits to having an ED 
Why would we do it?
But the thing is 
When you are put in to an ED shaped box 
It's very hard to break out 
And find a new identity 
I can remember talking about this in treatment 
Who would I be without my ED?
Who is Ruby?
What is she all about?
Is there more to her than anorexia and bulimia? 
Being the sick one 
No one expects very much from you
You are ill 
So allowances are made
With recovery and wellness 
Comes responsibility 
When you are no longer the sick one 
You might be treated differently 
People might expect more 
So often 
It is preferable to stay unwell
And hang on to your ED

I've had glimpses of recovery 
Of what my life could be like 
To find new and healthy labels 
Or maybe no labels at all
Maybe I'll just be Ruby the girl 
The daughter 
The sister 
The auntie 
The doggy mama 
The writer 
The horse rider 
I can wear many or all of these hats 
But I don't have to be defined by any of them 
And I can break out of the ED box and world that I lived in
Of course 
This transition is not easy 
Change is hard 
Recovery is tricky 
But it is possible 
It is doable 
And it will be so worth it 
It's something that we won't regret 
So let's do it 
Let's not waste another day, week, month, year on an illness that just wants us dead 
Let's fight for a better life 
For a future
And a life beyond our ED 
I'm just not willing to live within the restraints of this illness anymore 
It's suffocating me 
It's boring me
It's draining the very life out of me 
We don't have to do it alone 
We have each other 
And if there is one thing this community does well
It's supporting each other
Are you with me?
I cant here you 
Are you with me?????


  1. Maybe you could wear a hospital gown to weigh-in at the pharmacy without being arrested? I kid, of course. I know it's scary to think of having no way to monitor your weight. Do you think you could negotiate with Mary, to weigh you less frequently but still keep an eye on things? I worry it may be too soon to return control of weighing completely back to you.

    It's funny, how we automatically assume people are judging us when they see us, even though we're certainly not judging them. I joke that I'm 'weight blind'. I just don't look at people that way.


    1. Ha!!
      Yea Bella
      I think staff would be calling the men in white coats if I started stripping off in the store
      But I would love to try it
      Just to see their faces!

      I know Bella
      I am the same
      Just don't notice others weight
      So why oh why do we judge ourselves? X

  2. I wholeheartedly agree with getting rid of the scales, as I have said before. Would Mary be willing to weigh you and not tell you the number? Like with you standing facing away from the numbers. That way someone can make sure you're not remaining underweight or losing weight, but you remain oblivious of the number. The number on the scale loses its power when you don't know what it is. One of the most important steps in recovery is breaking free from the power of the scales and numbers it gives you. The ED is the abuser, and the scale is one of its fists. Break away from that fist, and you make a huge step in freeing yourself of the ED for good.

    You're moving forward again, and it sounds like your head is getting back into a really good place. You can do this. One victory at a time, you will win this war. CHANNEL YOUR INNER VIKING ::shakes battle axe:: Feck thinner. You can't shake a battle axe if you're skinny. <3

    1. I tend to agree with Bella and Mich about scales/weighing. I wonder why Mary doesn't do it this way?
      Take care, and look after yourself.
      ps and don't purge! :-)

    2. Thanks for the suggestions
      It's something to think about
      And to talk about with Mary
      I really don't fancy weighing in a store or gym
      So I think the best thing would be for Mart to continue weighing me x

  3. Reading this has made my night so much better. You are so motivational with your words and I can only hope that that doesn't change. Thank you for sharing your journey, as I check your blog daily. For me, ever since I found your blog, it serves as a reminder that we're in this together. It reminds me to keep up with the recovery process and gives me hope.

    1. Reading this made my day
      Thank you for sharing this
      This is why I write
      Why I share my story
      I wish you health and happiness on your recovery journey x

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