Friday, 12 February 2016


As of this morning 
I have lost two stone in weight
28 pounds
I looked back over my notebooks 
Where I carefully recorded each weight 
I started losing weight in November
And have steadily lost since then
I'm not sharing this with you to brag
To boast 
I'm not sharing it with you to concern you
Or worry you
It's not something I'm proud of
I'm sharing it with you because it stops here 
I can't go on like this
Or I will be back in hospital before you say possible relapse 
I have much to look forward to now
My horse therapy
My job 
My ED is gone in to panic mode
As it knows I am fighting back 
But just because I have things to look forward to 
Doesn't mean they recovery will miraculously happen
The habits of a half a life time are hard to change 
I'm not going down without a fight 
It's time to close ranks 
Use my supports 
Use every bit of ED knowledge I've ever required
And fight like hell 

But what exactly does fighting entail?
It's not quite a physical fight
It's behavioural 
Its psychological 
It's emotional
It means eating three meals a day 
At the table
With my family 
It means no purging 
Which is the big one
I haven't gone a day without purging in years 
It has become just another habit in my life
I wake up 
Brush my teeth 
Eat something 
It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore 
I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my day
And wasn't going anywhere
But Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my ED
She speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this 
That I can recover 
Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday 
Two amazingly strong women
Who both believe in me 
It was powerful 
I couldn't have two better women on my side 
I dont need to tell you how blessed I am

It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me 
The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together 
It's thrilling 
It's terrifying 
It's venturing in to the unknown
I can't lie 
I am petrified 
But I am ready 
I am so ready 
For the next phase of my life 
For recovery 
From both my ED and my addiction
I swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills me
Screw the anxiety 
Screw the fear
This is about my getting well 
That's my priority right now
I know that I can do something when I set my mind on it
I'm now 18 months smoke free
And let me tell you
I was a dedicated smoker 
I joke with my sister that when I start earning money
I'm going to take it up again
But I know I won't 
Going back isn't an option 
I find that once I get my head around something 
Then I can do it 
Like with smoking 
Mentally giving up was half the battle
I'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purging
I just need to establish a new habit
A new pattern 
A new way of doing things 
I guess at first 
Distraction will be the name of the game
After eating 
I need to distract, distract, distract!
Get out of the house
Walk the dogs 
Go for a drive
And stay away from bathrooms
I know it will be tough
At first it will be uncomfortable
As my body gets used to keeping food down 
It will be a strange sensation
Actually letting my food digest
But it's something that has to be done
If I want t hold down a 30 hour a week job
I need to be healthy
I need to feed my body 
When I'm busy
I know I find it hard to eat
Do I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fed
And to keep on top of my health
And not just exist on energy drinks 

So yes
There is much to look forward to 
And much work to do 
I have about three months before I start work to get on track
And hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidence
As i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work 
I'm ready 
Come on life
Bring it on....

The first photo below was taken last November
And the following one this morning 


  1. Do you know what ?me who can see every ounce would not have noticed a difference. Does that not show what a wierd place we are all in?x

    1. That's what o thought too
      But I thought it was just me that couldn't see much difference x

  2. hi ruby i agree in a way that i would not have known if you hadn't said as i never noticed pics you posted of you gaining either, and i do notice every pound on myself. you always look just great to me, i think marys right stay where you are if you want just try to do it differently, thats what I'm going to do. good luck x

  3. you are lovely always, be what you want and don't put pressure on yourself,
    enjoy your new job! sarah x

  4. only you know what is right for you and i know you can do it, good times coming for you! as they say 'seize the day' jo xxx

    1. Yes Jo
      For you and me both
      We will get there
      Baby steps x

  5. i am 5'5 weigh 7 stone, used to be 12 feel bigger now when i put on 10 lbs then ever before, its not real you don't know what is real anymore. you have given up drugs and cigarettes you have strength ,and now you are pursuing a life outside of your disorder, be proud and keep trying, even if you can't stop what your doing take the jobs anyway and you will find the ed takes less and less importance, wishing you lots of good things , j x

    1. I'm hoping that's what will happen
      That I just won't have the time or energy for my ED
      Or at the very least
      Have it somewhat under control x

  6. I hope you'll be alright and I'm so happy to hear that you're so optimistic dear <3


    1. I will be ok Christie
      Hope you are doing ok x


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