Thursday, 11 February 2016

Mum meets Mary....

Ever since I found out that I have a job
I've been feeling very strange
It's not a feeling I can easily explain
And can't even put a word on it
When I got the news 
I was home alone 
I had no one to talk to
So I had to try and process the information myself 
Without bouncing it off someone else
The only way I can describe this feeling
Was like it was all too good to be true 
Like I was waiting for the catch
I'm not entirely used to things going my way
So this happy news was as much of a shock as if I hadn't got the job
I almost felt like I wanted to sabotage the job
So I wouldn't have to try
And have the possibility of failure
I doubt myself so much
And yesterday 
I questioned my ability to do a job well
I questioned whether they had made a mistake hiring me
In fairness 
They must think I can do the job since the did give me the position
And my mum and sister and dad assure me that I am well able for this type of work 
But I feel
I don't know 
I know I'm not explaining myself very well here
I am just trying to make sense of this situation
I know I should probably be celebrating
But I can't seem to shake this funny feeling 
And last night was a marathon binge/purge session trying to escape from it

I woke up this morning 
Another pound lost
My BMI now 17
I felt nothing 
Nothing but the feeling that I was throwing my life away
And for what?
I now have to roll my trousers at the waist so they fit 
And my mother is expressing sincere worry and concern about me
She said that I am out of control 
That evenings are my worst time
She is not wrong 
In the evening I could purge up to six times
It has to stop

I saw Mary this afternoon
My Mum and I went in to the village early 
And brought the dogs for a walk in the woods 
Then headed down to the health centre 
Mam was going to wait in the car for me and read her book
I made my way up to Mary's office
And took a seat 
I mentioned that Mum was with me
And Mary asked if I'd like to include her in the session
I agreed 
And ran down and told Mum
Who would wait in the waiting room while mart and I had a chat 
I told Mary about the job
And she was delighted for me
She also told me that she had some information on the horse centre I was planning on going to
Mary had spoken to the girls there
And it's actually horse therapy
That is about an hour from my house
So I took their number
Excited at the prospect of starting

I tried to explain the feelings I was having to Mary 
She said it sounded like anxiety
But in a different form than I am used to 
And I guess that makes sense
I am anxious to join the working world
I'm anxious that I won't live up to expectations of the other staff
Mary also talked about self fulfilling prophecy 
And how we as humans can sabotage something that could be amazing
Because we are afraid 
At least I have recognised it though 
And can work on it 
Mary then weighed me
I lost 1.5kg from last week 
Mary then asked me to call my Mum up
Which I did 
They exchanged pleasantries 
They have met before 
Many times 
The session was tough 
But it was necessary 
We decided that as a family 
We would make a meal plan 
Sit at the table for all meals together
Mary also stressed the importance of my support groups 
So my other piece of home work is to go to a meeting before I see Mary again
That is going to be a challenge 
But one I really want to do 
We finished up 
And Mum and I headed home 

Over cups of tea at home
My sister and I did put a meal plan for the week 
So we will go shopping for said meals tomorrow 
The hard thing is going to be not purging 
But I have to do it 
I just have to grit my teeth
Sit with the feeling
And just do it 
Hopefully eating enough during the day 
Will help ease the bingeing in the evening 
In fact I know it will
Mary said something surprising to me yesterday 
She said that if I maintained my weight where it is now 
Then that would be fine 
I would have thought the ideal thing would be to gain a few kilos 
But maybe she means just for now

I couldn't resist ringing the horse people when I got home 
I got through to a girl called A 
I told her who I was 
And how I had come across her number
She asked me a bit about myself 
I wasn't planning on telling her about my ED so soon 
But it just sort of came out
She explained what they do at the centre
It usually costs about €50 for a general horse riding lesson 
But this only costs €15
So happy days!
We arranged an appointment for next Wednesday at 1pm
You guys?
I am super duper excited and over the moon to do this!
And it gives me plenty of time to get in to a good frame of mind before I start work
Things are finally falling in to place for me
And I can't wait to see what the future holds 
Horse therapy 
A job I love 
These are things that I dreamed about in my darkest days
And now they are happening!
They are actually happening!
I feel excitement bubbling inside me
I've spent my life looking for somewhere to fit in
Somewhere where I belong 
This could be it 
This could be what I'm looking for 
I thought I had found it in drugs and ED
But that never worked out
Now I just need to put the brakes on where my ED and weight loss are concerned 
I can't afford to lose any more weight 
And the threat of pancreatitis is always there 
If I want to be healthy and strong and able
I need to feed and nourish my body 
I need to allow myself good food
And enough good food 
I need to allow myself to keep it down 
And not feel guilty for it
In short
There is much to look forward to
Life starts now
Hang on to your hats people
It's going to be a crazy ride....


  1. its just nerves ruby they will go once you get started,the stables sounds perfect for you, suddenly so much to look forward to,enjoy it! jo xxx

    1. Yay!
      So glad you can comment again
      Isn't that always the way
      Everything happens at once
      I am so grateful though
      To have these opportunities
      I'm ready to live my life

      Thanks for being there Jo
      It means a lot x

  2. Wow! The stars are really lining up for you this year. So stoked for you :)



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