Thursday, 14 July 2016

Catch Up

Yes 
A catch up is well over due 
I seem to be blogging less and less now
That is both a good and a bad thing
Life is busy and full
I work four days a week
Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
On my days off 
I catch up on house work 
Horse riding 
And appointments 
Up until today 
My wages have been emergency taxed
Which meant almost half my pay was taken 
But today 
I got a lovely surprise 
When I checked my bank balance 
And saw that it had all been refunded 
What a lovely way to start the day
I was able to give a lot of money towards the house
And towards the new washing machine we need 
Which was a lovely feeling to be able to do that 
I also heard back from the disability section of social welfare 
I had to send them some pay slips 
So they could means test my disability against it
I did everything above board and legit 
And in actual fact 
My disability was reduced by only €8
Which is fantastic!
My work is considered therapeutic 
So I get to work 
And keep my payment 

But yes 
Work is going really well
I can feel my confidence improving every day 
I've made new friends 
I'm thriving in my new environment 
And feel like I can do my job 
And do it well 
Because I did a couple of shifts for one of the girls last week
I have had the last few days off
Which has been nice 
But I do find myself getting a bit bored on days when I have nothing on 
I'm definitely going to see if I can continue working after the summer season
As I feel it is doing me the world of good 
The routine 
The structure 
The satisfaction of having earned my own money 
It's all adding up to make one very happy Ruby 
I am now six weeks in to work 
I can remember back in May
Just before I started 
I was beyond nervous 
And was fully prepared for the fact that it might not work out 
In fact I was almost expecting it to go belly up
Even after my first day 
I still felt like it wasn't sinking in
But like a lot of things 
I had to give it a chance 
And time to settle in 
Which when I started to relax
Began to happen 
The centre is busy these days 
Full capacity is 60
And a lot of those are children
And when the weather is bad 
No one goes out 
So the place is like a bomb hit
But that's ok 
It keeps me busy and honest 

In other news 
I am loving my new hair 
I really need to go and getting it done more often 
As it really gives me a boost 
I went back to horse riding yesterday too
Which was brilliant as always 
My canter is getting better 
As I continue to improve 
Star is amazing 
Even if he did stand on my foot yesterday 
I travelled to horse riding with Fintan
We always have a great chat and laugh 
We stop to get the horses a bag of carrots on the way 
And the minute they hear the rustle of the bag 
They are all looking over 
And kicking the doors of the stables
I've decided not to go back to the other stables 
And stick to horse therapy 
I told Fintan yesterday 
That I had been taking other lessons 
He didn't think it was a good idea either 
I kind of felt like I was being sneaky doing other lessons 
Plus the fact that the other lessons were harsher 
I was put in a group with much more experienced riders 
I was pushed to do things I didn't feel
Comfortable doing 
And more often than not 
I came out of the lesson feeling deflated 
So I think I will stick to therapy 

As regards my ED
It's in the background these days
I can't lie 
I do still struggle with purging 
But it's not every day 
And it's not impinging on my quality of life 
I've accepted that this is as good as it gets for me 
At least for now
I hope that in time 
I will phase it out completely 
I am eating a lot better though 
I eat three meals and snacks 
When I'm working 
I have my breakfast and lunch there 
And I'm so busy 
That I don't get a chance to think about restricting or purging 
Since I started work six weeks ago
I have purged once in work 
And I am determined to keep that behaviour out of my work place
I have no earthly clue what I weigh 
Really and truly I can't even make an educated guess
But my clothes fit 
And I feel healthy 
So let's go with that 
I am done measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces
I am done being a slave to my scales 
My clothes are a size 8
I think I look ok
So why would I ruin all that 
By putting a number on it 
And you can bet your ass that if I did weigh myself 
It would start off the cycle of hating my body 
And manipulating my food and weight 
I turn 35 in a few weeks 
I've been addicted and eating disordered for 16 years 
I will never get those years back 
But you know what? 
I don't regret a thing 
My experiences have shaped the person I am today 
And I would hope that I am a good person 
Doing my best to live my life as well as I can
I try to be a good person 
I try to be the best that I can be
I know that I am blessed with a strong family behind me 
And good friends around me
I have two beautiful dogs 
A job I love 
I live in a place where I am surrounded by beauty 
I have enough money 
Enough food 
A roof over my head 
A warm dry bed to sleep on
I know I am luckier than some 
And I am incredibly grateful for that 
My life is charmed compared to some 
And I appreciate everything that I have
I have always noticed 
That in support groups 
It tends to be those over 30 that seem to be doing well 
This makes sense to me 
As in your twenties 
I think you are still growing up 
And still think you are invincible 
Going out a lot 
Pushing boundaries 
I know for me 
I was in my thirties when I finally sorted out my drug addiction and alcoholism
And now my ED
I guess I was burned out 
Sick and tired 
And ready to give up the hard living 
As it just wasn't worth it anymore 
The negatives massively out weighed the positives 
I wanted something more out of life 
In addiction 
Nothing is real 
Your feelings are fake 
Your relationships are fake 
Your reality is fake 
I now want something that is real
And honest 
I am done living that life 

So 
Today is a good day 
I feel positive and hopeful 
And that my friends 
Is a minor miracle 
Let me tell you 
It is hard work staying clean and sober 
On top of managing an ED
But 
It is so worth it 
And I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China 
So please 
Today 
Take some comfort from the fact that I came through all this 
And you most certainly can too
I know it seems impossible 
Insurmountable 
But I promise you 
If I can do it 
So can you 
Recovery is the best gift you can give yourself 
It's right in front of you 
You just need to reach out and grab it 



16 comments:

  1. You're amazing.

    I'm afraid i do have an awful lot.of regrets. But it could be worse i suppose. I SERIOUSLY regret my lack of confidence in the past but i suppose it's hard to grow without making a few mistakes.


    I'm kind of glad you left the other stable as you would not want to knock your confidence. Not worth it. And you can go back later if you feel like it!! But i don't believe you were "cheating" on your other lessons though, ha ha.

    I believe you can quit purging. And I'm sure you will in time. It's early days yet. It's not good for your body though and in sure you'll just stop without really noticing.

    My advice: throw away all you smallish clothes because you may gain and that will lead to a freak out.

    And STAY BUSY. It's obvious to me you are super smart and need stimulation in a kind environment. X

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    1. Aw Shelby
      You just made my day with your kind words
      Thank you
      I actually gave a lot of my tiny clothes away recently
      But I find myself still hanging on to some items
      You know
      Just in case....
      Is that my ED talking?
      I think so

      Hope you are well my friend x

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    2. I'm sure it's ED talking. Sell them on ebay.

      I'm pretty good.

      Delete
  2. I don't think this is as good as it gets for you as far as purging. Don't give up on trying to quit. Your heart and your teeth will thank you for it.

    It sounds like keeping busy is really helping.

    Keep fighting the good fight. <3

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    Replies
    1. I hope so Mich
      I truly hope so

      And yes
      Keeping busy has been a life saver
      No time to think and over think
      No time to ruminate or brood
      Work has been a life line
      No doubt about it x

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  3. Ruby! I am so proud of you! I used to bake for the elderly at an assisted living home and it was rewarding making someone's day. I'll tell you, now I'm the nervous one as I work at a treatment center and I have to confront sometime on their behavior in group today. The old me would never have done that so hey, if you can face your fears, so can I! I think I needed that little boost that life can be okay. I work four or five days a week and then intern on or two and so I'm constantly there plus I'm a full time graduate student and so I get rather burned out on life especially working with people in such an intense manner. I know that feeling of being bored well! I want a day off so badly and then when I get it I worry I slept too much when I have to be up at 5:40 or that I'm wasting my day. Just enjoy it. :) I'm so glad to hear that everything is going so well for you and I'm jealous of your riding! When I had my horse I used to ride all the time, almost every day for some period of time and belive me, I've been stepped on, bucked off, nearly bit, and fallen off,and it's still amazing! <3

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    Replies
    1. ThanksEve
      Wow!!
      You had your own horse?
      Now I am jealous
      That is my dream
      To own a horse
      And ride every day
      Do you still ride? X

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    2. Sadly no. I grew up on a farm and my first job was on a ranch and so everyone I knew practically had a horse or had access to a friend with one to go riding. My friend that lived maybe two or three miles away rode my bus to school so sometimes j would get off at her house since her stop was first a 's we'd ride until the sun went down! I do miss those days. I'll tell you, people call them "hay burners" for a reason! They eat so freaking much that it gets pricey to feed them if you haven't got a few acres to rotate them on so they don't eat down the grass.

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  4. Ah! Ruby....you are such an inspiration. I needed to read this today. I love reading about what it looks like to live life on the other side. Seems truly beautiful. :)

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  5. i love that work is helping with your confidence. i really saw that as such a big barrier for you and your recovery - that you weren't able to be confident about yourself. because the food part is easy compared to a lot of mental things you have to take in. being able to adjust to it is part of the recovery process. a lot of time, it's the weight that we restore faster than we ever could restore the mental aspect.

    i think you only know if extra lessons were a good thing for you or not, but if you feel like you are not comfortable there, then by all means, stop going. because at the end of the day, you don't want to have bad memories associated with horse riding. the point of it is to let go. i think being with more experienced riders, you start to compare and that breaks into your mental space a lot. it shouldn't be like that!

    i think that regards to purging, i just went cold turkey at the beginning of recovery. i think that that's what you have to do. like the cigarettes or anything else. just stop. because allowing even a little will put you back into the cycle. i KNOW you can be purge-free, Ruby and i don't doubt it. <3 you've proven you can rise from the ashes more times than ever.

    you can do so much, Ruby. and i am glad for the things that you've achieved. all this makes my heart fuzzy.

    i love you.




    -Sam Lupin

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    1. Aw Sam
      You are so sweet and lovely
      You never fail to make me smile
      You have such a big heart
      And your positivity shines out of you
      You are indeed a special girl
      Never forget that

      I love you too sweetheart x

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  6. You sound so alive in this post, that I can tell you're in a good place and I love it. Finally, after everything you've been through! I'm cheering for you from my corner :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you CP
      For being there
      And for cheering me on
      You are a star x

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  7. Ugh we had horses growing up. What a pain in the neck all the maintenance is. Nothing like it looks on film ha-ha. Actually it was me ma who was big on the nags. Still i guess it's different to just going to a stable. We lived on a 15 acre farm.

    it's good you've got a nice hobby tho. For myself, i like cleaning the beach of litter with a troup of likeminded people. Odd bunch we are too.

    Best of luck pal

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    Replies
    1. That's a great thing to do anonymous
      Kudos to you x

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Thank you for leaving some love x