Thursday, 21 July 2016


You know the way a girl might have a fat day
Well I am having a fat week
Every time I look in the mirror 
I see my moon like face 
Big boobs 
A tummy 
And I generally feel the size of a baby elephant 
It's not fun 
And it has made me very curious as to what my weight is 
I contemplated buying a scales today 
But what would that do?
Other than wreck my head 
I mean my clothes still fit 
They don't feel any tighter 
But still 
I feel huge 
And I hate feeling this way
I could go on a diet 
But we all know how quickly a diet can turn in to a spectacular relapse 
Been there 
Done that 
Bought the extra small t-shirt

I saw Mary this morning 
We had a nice chat 
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks 
So I filled her in about all that has happened 
She asked me about purging 
I was honest 
I told her that the days I am working 
I don't purge at all
But on my days off 
I find it much tougher 
And more often than not will purge after my meals 
Eating in work is great 
As I sit down with the others at the table 
And I don't even think about purging as I am so busy
So I guess I need to implement the same tools at home 
Mary then told me that she is going to formally discharge me 
That we have come to the end of therapy 
I thanked her for all her help and support over the last few years 
She said that she loves her job 
Because she gets to see people go from the depths of despair 
To the high of getting well
Mary has been instrumental in my recovery 
She is now a big part of my story 
When I was leaving 
She gave me a big hug 
And told me to ring her if I ever need to 
And with that 
I wAlked out of the therapy office 
And in to the rest of my life 

In other news 
I was very bold yesterday 
And overtook my meds 
I haven't done this in a long time 
I'm not even sure why I did it 
But now I deeply regret it 
As I worried my family 
And I just know I shouldn't do that 
But look
I will take the learning out of it 
And move on 
I could spend the whole day beating myself up 
But what would that do?
Nothing I suspect 
It was a mistake 
You live and learn 

I'm working the whole weekend starting tomorrow 
It's going to be a long few days 
And I'm going to be on my own at home for a few days 
By its all worth it when I get a pay cheque at the end of the week

I'm off for a cuppa 
See you in the next post....


  1. Good luck with your discharge. You able to eat with people at home/ have some kind of structure and routine there (re purging?) xx

    1. Thanks Agnes

      Good to hear from you
      Hope you are well x

  2. Could be PMS making you feel like that? I've been the same this week, feeling all bloated and horrible. It will pass. (and it better fecking pass before we go camping on Sunday....)

    I wish I had some sage advice on the purging. :/ Maybe try to focus on exactly what thoughts run through your head between the meal and when you make the decision to go into the bathroom to purge? And talk to your family about it, too--they're a great support system. See if they could try to derail you before you get to the bathroom with some kind of distraction. Or change your routine--the second you finish your meal at home, go outside for a walk. A nice long one.

    1. I guess it could well be Mich
      My periods are so irregular that it's hard to tell

      Yes, I spoke to MAry about coping strategies and the like
      Distraction is a big one
      And not eating too little or too much

      Thanks for the suggestions girl
      Hope you are doing ok x

  3. I think it's interesting that you do so well with ED things when you're at work. I've been tracking my days and trying to really figure out what is so different about good days. (good days meaning I eat well AND I'm happy) For me, it seems that community is the key. When I'm engaging with people, and using the things that I'm good at, when I have a place and a role....that's when my head doesn't get all caught up in ED thoughts. It's very strange because I'm such an extreme introvert. It makes me wonder if that isn't the case for a lot of people who struggle with ED's.

  4. That's a great idea actually
    Tracking your mood and intake
    I know I do better with structure and routine
    Left to my own devices
    I go looking for trouble x

  5. Hi sweet ruby roo.

    I think you still need a counsellor!

    Maybe not even an ED one but a good counsellor or psych can still help!

    Like you obviously still need help!

    Yes you might not be on death's door but mentally if you still see youself as "fat" you really need more help.

    Can't you be referred to someone else??

    Purging is not good for you. I don't understand why you keep being discharged?

    You can tear your oesophagus, relapse, electrolyte imbalance, vitamin deficiency....

    Maybe it's "the system" but you really need someone on a weekly basis who can give you a plan/strategy and more importantly nut out why weight and aopearance/fat is so important to you.
    Those things are unspoken issues you need to know for the long term HEALING PROCESS xoxo


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  7. can you not hide your scales so you don't have to buy new ones could your sister keep them? maybe just knowing they are there will reduce your anxiety,

  8. Wow, this all seems to've happened so quickly! I think it's definitely apt to say congratulations on all you've achieved in the past year or so. How are you finding things without Mary? As Shelby said, I think having some sort of counsellor to talk to, even just on an as-needed basis, could still be important.



Thank you for leaving some love x