Sunday, 31 July 2016


I write this post a very sad and confused Ruby
It's been a crazy week
I saw on Facebook last week
That I guy I was friends when I was growing up was missing 
And had been for a few days
I wasn't worried at first 
And there was no panic to begin
Just concern that he was ok
In fact 
This guy had been more than my friend 
He had been my first ever boyfriend when I was just 14
We went out for about ten months 
Which is a lifetime when you are that age 
I went to the girls school
He went to the local tech 
We met every day after school
Smoking cigarettes and stealing kisses around the back of the church 
We wrote each other letters 
And because we both loved The Doors 
We addressed each other as Pamela and Jim
How cringey 
But also how cute
After a few years 
We hooked up again 
After we lived in the same neighbourhood
It didn't last 
As I was going off the rails with drugs 
I kept an eye on FB during the week
But there was no sign of him
On Friday 
I saw messages of condolence on social media 
But I still didn't know what had happened
I went in to work yesterday morning as usual
Still none the wiser
I got a text from a girl I went to school with 
I figured it was about this guy 
So I took a few minutes to ring her
She confirmed it 
He was dead 
I asked her what had happened 
She explained that he had been working in the UK
And had been home for a short while 
He had been suffering with mental health issues
And was experiencing depression and paranoia 
My friend thought that this may have been due to drug abuser over the years 
He hung himself 
He was 36 years old 

Even though he was suffering 
He sought no help
And wasn't under the care of a doctor 
Or any other professional
This news breaks my heart 
Another young man lost to suicide
It's confusing 
It's disturbing 
And deeply upsetting 
My heart goes out to his loved ones 
He will be missed
I just hope he has found some peace
God knows he deserved it
I was in work when I heard this news
And I confided in my work mate 
It was good to talk about him
And remember him
I rang my Mam to tell her 
She would have taught this guy in school
It hit her hard too
And she was in tears as I explained about his death
I was on a short shift 
And was only working until 12pm
But to be honest with you 
I kind of wish that I had been working longer 
At least then I wouldn't have been thinking about him so much
I have so many lovely memories about this guy 
And I guess he was my first love 
I guess there are so many what ifs?
If only he had talks to someone 
If only he had asked for help 
If only I had kept in touch with him
I can't imagine what was going through his head
That he felt his only option was to disappear from everyone 
Tie a knot in a rope 
And end his short life 
It's just so very sad
I despair 
I really do

It seems that suicide is becoming an epidemic in this country 
Heck I've been there myself 
In a situation where I thought my family would be better off without me 
That things would never improve 
And that death was the only release from the pain I was in
I have moved past a place where life scared me more than death
I feel more able to cope with life 
And whatever it throws at me
This is what we need 
The tools to deal with life 
Because heaven knows life is not a straight path 
There are so many bumps and obstacles along the way
But we do our best 
And that's all we can do

This morning 
The parental unit and I went to mass at the holy well
It's a mass for the sick 
So Dad wanted to go to get blessed 
I also got blessed 
And I lit a candle for my friend 
Hoping that he has now found peace

They say that suicide is a selfish act 
I don't buy that 
The person who is suffering often feels like they are a burden to their loved ones 
And that they are better off without them
They believe that they are relieving their family of stress and worry 
But of course that is not the case 
Suicide leaves a trail of grief and destruction
Confusion and deep loss 
Death is just so final 
And especially when it is a young person
Who had everything to live for 
I feel quite empty 
Like life is sometimes pointless 
We live 
We die 
And we get a very short space of time between the two
For a long time 
I placed no value on my own life 
I didn't care whether I lived or died 
It just wasn't important to me at all
But now 
Now I want to live 
I want to be alive 
And part of this world 
I just wish that my friend had reached out and asked for help 
It's too late now
RIP Michael
You are loved and missed...


  1. I hope you're holding up ok. That is one of the worst ways to lose someone, so many what ifs left behind. Many prayers for Michael and his family. <3

    1. I am ok thanks Mich
      At least I will be
      Thank you for your prayers x

  2. I'm so sorry to hear this, Ruby. It's always devastating to find out someone from your past has died, especially from suicide. How are you doing coping with the news?

    Lots of love <3

    1. Thanks Bells
      I am just processing and digesting the news
      It's hard to wrap my head around to be honest
      I still think of him as a 16 year old kid
      Cheeky with a heart of gold
      He will be sadly missed x

  3. Ruby, I am sorry to hear about your loss... suicide seems to be more and more prevalent... I myself have felt that at times but I have been lucky to be able to get help... I did ask for it though... I wish we all had that ability xox

    1. Thanks Launna
      I appreciate that
      I know
      It seems men really struggle to ask for help
      I just wish things had turned out differently for my friend x


Thank you for leaving some love x