Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Happy New Year!

I am now at the weight that I was before I got ill
A weight where my BMI is 19
I've lost almost 20 pound since the start of November
Quite a lot I guess
In a short space of time
I feel a lot better at this weight
More like myself
And I think it suits me much better
I didn't feel comfortable at the weight I was
Even though I was still in healthy range with a BMI of 23
So now I just have to maintain this weight
Easier said that done
As you know
With anorexia
The goal posts are always changing
You reach one goal
And feel a sense of satisfaction for about 5 minutes
Before it's full steam ahead to the next goal

I know that I am on dodgy territory
I know that I need to be careful
But hopefully this is just my weight settling down
And that I will stay in or around this weight
I know that if I lose any more
I will be on shaky ground
My binging and purging has increased dramatically over the last couple of weeks
I am hoping that it is the stress of the holidays
And that I will get back on track when it's all over
But I guess now is the time for new starts
And fresh beginnings
A time to make change
To start off on the right foot
2014 has been a rollercaoster to say the least
Family issues
New car
Did the Pieta House night walk
Spent two weeks in London
Mary left
I gave up smoking
Lea's fur grew back
I turned 33
My sister came home from Australia
I threw my scales in to the lake
I smashed my ashtray
My methadone was reduced to 18mls
And was then increased to 22ml
I did a mindfulness course
I made new friends
I felt hope for the first time in forever
So much has happened
And most of it good

As for New Years resolutions
I tend not to make any
Because I like to do things when I feel ready
Not just because it is January 1st
But this year I am making one
And that is to save money every week
This is the whole reason why I gave up smoking
Because I wanted to have some extra cash
But of course I found other things to spend my money on
So I haven't saved a penny yet
I am notoriously bad with money
The minute I get it in to hand
I feel like I have to spend it
So this will be a challenge
But I am determined to do it

I am having a quiet night in tonight
With my Mum and Auntie B
I brought them both for lunch earlier today
It was so lovely to be able to pay for them for a change
So I am now in my pyjamas
I have a cup of tea
And a box of celebrations
Which I am going to inhale....

Happy New Year to you and yours!
I hope 2015 is the best yet!


  1. Happy new year. dear Ruby, hoping it'll be our best year yet!

    1. Thanks CP
      And to you
      I got your card the other day
      Thank you so much
      And yes
      Let's hope it's our best yet x

  2. Happy New Year hun:)
    God bless

  3. Happy New Year Ruby! Sigh, I've been trying to send this comment all day but blogger was being painful.

    I put my first deposit in my cash box today - $10, very exciting stuff, but hey at least it's something. Let's just see how long it stays there (I think I'll call it a success if it lasts until next payday)...

    Maybe your body's finding it's set point? Don't quote me on this, but at some point I think I read that we tend to carry a little extra weight in the early days of weight restoration, and eventually it settles and redistributes once our body knows it's no longer in imminent danger.

    Lots of love to you dear <3

  4. Happy new year Ruby and sorry for disappearing! I think maybe just eat normally (easier said than done again, I know). Be patient and don't be too hard on yourself?
    Also a very late merry Christmas :3


  5. I typed this for your today's photo post but blogger had a hissy fit and deleted it, but I still wanted to post it:

    I have to agree with the others Ruby. This is a very slipperly slope. What do you want us to say? That you look thinner? You already know that by having lost over a stone. The girls on here are nice, none of that pro-ana bullshit, and are not going to reaffirm what you already know. Ask yourself why you're asking others, what do you hope to gain, will you be pleased if we say we notice a difference, insulted or angry if we don't? The people who read your blog do so because they relate to you and want you to be well, not so that they can feed into your eating disorder even more.

    For what it's worth, I also think that you might be slightly trying to kid yourself by the whole 'my weight is just settling down after regaining' argument. Anyone can see that the reason you are losing is because you're purging everything you eat. All that will happen is that when or if you stop this, you'll have to go through the agony of regaining again. But I think, deep down, you know all of this but are afriad to admit it to yourself.

    I didn't mean this as stern as it may come across, sorry! Please choose health over thinness Ruby, and maybe start by re-reading some of your posts over the past six months to remind yourself how fantastic wellness is.

    L xx

  6. happy new year ruby. em x

  7. Ruby dear, i don't know what has happened. I know the holidays have been taking a toll on you and whatnot, dear. I don't know what to give you, any form of advice - but you know what? I hope you're alright. happy new year, and I really hope that you have the upper hand, not ED. I really do. I love you lots.

    but as I always say: can't expect to battle a life-long battle in a few months. there will be slips. just don't let it get too far.

    you are too lovely to fall into this trap again.

    -Sam Lupin


Thank you for leaving some love x