Confession

I felt so horrible and bad this morning

After what I did yesterday

I can't even bring myself to type the words

The past few days have been really hard

My binging and purging is spinning wildly out of control again

And I've really been misusing my meds

I woke up this morning to find that I had only one day of methadone

And no tablets at all

There was only one thing for it

I had to go and see my doctor again 

And this time I had to be honest about everything

So myself and Lea headed off in the car

Honey is refusing to come out in this cold weather

We went for a brisk walk

Before I went to see if the surgery was open

It was

Thank you God

I walked in to see that it was packed

I asked the receptionist if there were any appointments left

She said there wasn't

I was going to leave

But I decided to try sitting outside his room and talk to him myself

About ten minutes later he came out

He saw me

Asked if I was there to see him

Ans told me he couldn't see me unt the end of surgery an hour later

Well at least he didn't refuse to see me
I was glad of that

I headed back to the car
Did some food shopping 
And brought Lea for another walk
By then it was almost an hour later
So I made my way back to the surgery

I didn't have to wait to long
He called me in after about 15 minutes
I started off with an apology
I said I was sorry for being such a pain the last couple of weeks
But that I was really struggling
I told about my meds
The alcohol
And my food
He asked why things were so tough right now
I couldn't really answer him
It could be the time of year
The fact that I am bored
And want to get out of my own head
I said I was on dodgy territory
He asked what I meant by that
I told him because my thinking is becoming unhealthy again
I'm slipping
In all areas

He agreed to gave me a script for more methadone
But now I have to go in to the chemist every day to pick it up
Usually I only go in to the chemist once a week and pick it all up then
I was a bit surprised when he said this
But I wasn't about to argue
I know I am lucky to get the meds at all
He said he would keep it this way for a few weeks
Until I stabilize
I guess it makes sense
Now I can't misuse it
I suppose it's him covering his ass aswell
I understand that

I left the surgery
And headed to the chemist
I felt a little bit ashamed walking in
And having to hand in the script
But this is the way things are for now
And I have to accept that
I was grateful to have it
Finally Lea and I got home
And I intend to do nothing for the rest of today

My Mother has noticed the change in me too
I went to her last night
And told her that I couldn't stop eating and purging
She said that she had noticed
And my Auntie B had also commented that I was very quiet the past couple of days
I guess I have retreated in to myself a bit
And have become withdrawn
I spoke to my Mother again this morning
And told her that I had been to see my doctor
I didn't tell her about the alcohol though
As I don't think I am in danger of doing it again

I need to get back on track though
Before I slip any further
I need to ask for support
Let my family help me as they really want to
I am meeting a friend from treatment tomorrow
So I will have a good chat with her
Then next week everything is back to normal
So I am glad of that
I can back in to my routine
And can structure my day
All  these long and lazy days with nothing to do are starting to get to me

I just want to feel ok you know?
I'm not asking for ecstatic happiness
I just want to feel ok in my head
And ok in my skin
I want to feel ok to be me
And not want to be constantly escaping every opportunity I get
I want to be the best person I can be
I want to be clean and sober
And be happy to be clean and sober
I want to stop running
To stop feeling so afraid of this life
I want to have control of my food
And use it the way it's supposed to be used
For energy and fuel
Not for binging and purging
And punishing myself
I want to be a good person
I want to lay my head on my pillow at night
And feel like I lived my life to the best of my ability
I want to be free of the demons that plague me
That try to kill me
I want to want to live
Is that too much to ask?
I hope not....