Friday, 2 January 2015


I felt so horrible and bad this morning
After what I did yesterday
I can't even bring myself to type the words
The past few days have been really hard
My binging and purging is spinning wildly out of control again
And I've really been misusing my meds
I woke up this morning to find that I had only one day of methadone
And no tablets at all
There was only one thing for it
I had to go and see my doctor again 
And this time I had to be honest about everything

So myself and Lea headed off in the car
Honey is refusing to come out in this cold weather
We went for a brisk walk
Before I went to see if the surgery was open
It was
Thank you God
I walked in to see that it was packed
I asked the receptionist if there were any appointments left
She said there wasn't
I was going to leave
But I decided to try sitting outside his room and talk to him myself
About ten minutes later he came out
He saw me
Asked if I was there to see him
Ans told me he couldn't see me unt the end of surgery an hour later
Well at least he didn't refuse to see me
I was glad of that

I headed back to the car
Did some food shopping 
And brought Lea for another walk
By then it was almost an hour later
So I made my way back to the surgery

I didn't have to wait to long
He called me in after about 15 minutes
I started off with an apology
I said I was sorry for being such a pain the last couple of weeks
But that I was really struggling
I told about my meds
The alcohol
And my food
He asked why things were so tough right now
I couldn't really answer him
It could be the time of year
The fact that I am bored
And want to get out of my own head
I said I was on dodgy territory
He asked what I meant by that
I told him because my thinking is becoming unhealthy again
I'm slipping
In all areas

He agreed to gave me a script for more methadone
But now I have to go in to the chemist every day to pick it up
Usually I only go in to the chemist once a week and pick it all up then
I was a bit surprised when he said this
But I wasn't about to argue
I know I am lucky to get the meds at all
He said he would keep it this way for a few weeks
Until I stabilize
I guess it makes sense
Now I can't misuse it
I suppose it's him covering his ass aswell
I understand that

I left the surgery
And headed to the chemist
I felt a little bit ashamed walking in
And having to hand in the script
But this is the way things are for now
And I have to accept that
I was grateful to have it
Finally Lea and I got home
And I intend to do nothing for the rest of today

My Mother has noticed the change in me too
I went to her last night
And told her that I couldn't stop eating and purging
She said that she had noticed
And my Auntie B had also commented that I was very quiet the past couple of days
I guess I have retreated in to myself a bit
And have become withdrawn
I spoke to my Mother again this morning
And told her that I had been to see my doctor
I didn't tell her about the alcohol though
As I don't think I am in danger of doing it again

I need to get back on track though
Before I slip any further
I need to ask for support
Let my family help me as they really want to
I am meeting a friend from treatment tomorrow
So I will have a good chat with her
Then next week everything is back to normal
So I am glad of that
I can back in to my routine
And can structure my day
All  these long and lazy days with nothing to do are starting to get to me

I just want to feel ok you know?
I'm not asking for ecstatic happiness
I just want to feel ok in my head
And ok in my skin
I want to feel ok to be me
And not want to be constantly escaping every opportunity I get
I want to be the best person I can be
I want to be clean and sober
And be happy to be clean and sober
I want to stop running
To stop feeling so afraid of this life
I want to have control of my food
And use it the way it's supposed to be used
For energy and fuel
Not for binging and purging
And punishing myself
I want to be a good person
I want to lay my head on my pillow at night
And feel like I lived my life to the best of my ability
I want to be free of the demons that plague me
That try to kill me
I want to want to live
Is that too much to ask?
I hope not....


  1. And a therapist or counsellor? Or a meeting? Is that sort of an option? I am so sorry you're struggling so much.....

    IBut I think it's so brave of you to tell your doctor and mum you're not doing ok.... Then you can get some support...


    1. Yes A
      I hope to see a counsellor very soon
      I'm on a waiting list so hopefully it won't be too much longer
      And I am trying to muster up the courage to go to a
      It's hard though
      It sucks A
      But I so want to get back on track x

  2. its not too much to ask,don't give up on is lovely but for some reason makes everything else harder.hope things can settle for you now, jo x

  3. Hmmm Ruby from one addict to another, and I say this with love, you really sound like you are on shaky ground. Are there meetings you can go to? Would you consider making a commitment to do 90 in 90? I know it sucks but your recovery sounds like it's in real danger. I dunno it sounds like maybe you need to hold yourself accountable to something you know? Just a thought.
    Keep the faith. You are beautiful and have so much to offer. Don't squander it.
    Love from far away,

    1. Thank you Sarah
      I don't have many words today
      But thank you x

  4. I hope that you do get back on track.
    I hope for a lot of things for you.
    I hope that you'll be alright soon.
    i really really love you. you are so lovely. and i just want to see you out of this hell. we all do. you are so kind and considerate. i can only see good things for you.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Thank you Sam
      And so lovely to hear from you
      Are you blogging these days/ x

  5. It will come, Ruby. Wellness and wellbeing and happiness and calm - they will all come, if you only carry on striving for them. You're doing so well and you've come so far - don't mistake slips for complete relapse. Slips are part and parcel of the treacherous climb out of eating disordered behaviour, and you have other addictions to contend with on top of that. You're doing brilliantly - don't think that you're weak, not for a second, for struggling. If you were weak, you WOULDN'T be struggling, you'd be wildly engaging in whatever destructive behaviours you wanted. You're accepting responsibility. You're asking for help. You're doing just fine. Keep on putting foot after foot. This is the hardest bit, this daily trudge. It takes a while, but eventually it stops being such an effort. And then it's not an effort at all and you realise that you're well, and happy, and thankful. Don't give up on that. Keep your eyes on the horizon, and your feet moving. You'll get there. Look how many of us have faith in you xxx

    1. Thank you Cheryl
      I read this just at the right time
      You make a lot of sense
      I am doing my best not to let this slip go any further
      Your words mean so much
      You will never know how much x


Thank you for leaving some love x