Thursday, 26 May 2016

Long day and lots to learn

I had a full day of training yesterday
Hence why I didn't post
By the time I got home 
My brain was throbbing with the amount of information I absorbed 
So yes
The other new girl, Sinead, and I were in yesterday 
I thought we were just going over a couple of things 
But we were there for six hours in total
And boy was there a lot to take in
Georgina was training us 
And again
She was super clear and direct about what we need to do
And what is expected of us
She went through a massive folder with us 
Of policies and procedures 
She gave us a huge aray of scenarios that might happen while we are on duty
It really was an eye opener
As Georgina told us story after story 
Some very distressing 
She told us about the broad spectrum of people who will be staying in the centre
From women's groups 
To families 
To single people 
To old peoples groups 
Also people with mental health issues 
And addiction
She talked about drugs quite a bit 
And I could feel myself becoming uncomfortable 
And began to wonder if I should tell her about my own addiction history 
I have told her about my ED 
But have not divulged anything about drugs 
I decided to hold off until I was on my own with her 
We had a lunch break at 1pm
And we went down to the old folks house for a much needed cuppa
Myself and Sinead bonded over our respective piercings 
I was told yesterday 
That I might have to remove my piercings 
Which is annoying 
But nothing was said today 
So I'm hoping they won't bring it up again
Sinead is lovely 
She's 19
And full of energy 
Mentally I think I am around her age 
So I think we'll get on well
After lunch 
It was back to run through fire drills 
Panic buttons 
And so on 
We finished up around 4pm
And I was glad to get out and get some fresh air
We do have a dress code 
Which is dark trousers and a dark or white top
So I'm just organising what I do have 
I have a few pairs of black trousers 
All different sizes of course 
But I'm sure I'll find something suitable 

Today again 
Georgina held me back to have a chat with me 
She is keeping an eye on me
And asked me how I felt about the job now 
And did I think it would be too much 
I was honest with her 
And told her that I bounced from being super excited 
To being completely terrified
I also decided to tell her about my drug history 
She took it well
I asked if it changed anything she said not at all
But to not tell everyone about it 
Which I wouldn't anyway 
I explained that I have been stable a long time 
And have great support 
She asked about these supports 
And what my family thought of my taking this job
I told her that my Mum thinks this will be fantastic for me 
And my whole family is behind me
Georgina can see that I am lacking confidence 
But she said working in the centre will be perfect for me
And that I will flourish there 
She also told me that I did a great interview back a few months ago
And that there was a genuine warmth off me 
Which was lovely to hear 
I guess when I feel myself wobble about the job
I refer to my Mum and Georgina
Two strong smart women 
Who have looked me in the eye 
And told me with such conviction
That I can do this 
And not only can I do it 
I will be good at it
It's great to have others believe in you 
When you have very little faith in yourself
I came home yesterday evening 
Absolutely knackered 
My head hurt with the amount of information that it processed
I told my Mam all about the house and the training 
Man thinks it sounds like the perfect place for me to restart my working life
Because the centre is non profit
They are not driven by money 
So where as in one of the hotels 
I would just be a number 
In this job 
I am Ruby 
And Georgina makes it very clear that she wants it to work for me as much as she wants it to work for the centre
Which is why she is so accommodating with the hours
I know I am blessed to work in such a place 
It's a place where I can get a good foundation of confidence and skills
And then being so understanding about my conditions is just a breath of fresh air 

I have a few days off now 
I'm back in for training next Tuesday and Thursday 
Then have my first live shift Friday
I'm using my days off to recharge 
To relax 
To go to my meetings 
And horse riding 
To make sure my recovery is on track 
And that all my ducks are in a row 
It's funny 
Now that I have more in my life 
My ED and addiction have taken a back seat 
Of course 
Life is not perfect 
But now my mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of food and weight 
I don't have a scales 
So I don't weigh myself 
And I don't miss it 
As long as my clothes fit 
And I feel good 
Well that's all that matters 
I can't lie 
I still purge from time to time 
But it is no where near they way it was 
When I was purging 10 - 20 times a day 
I swear I wonder how I managed to get to the age of 34 in one piece!
But I did 
I'm still alive and kicking 
And ready to face another challenge
It's strange to think that as recently as Christmas 
I was really struggling 
But as I always say 
As quickly as things can go belly up
They can also turn around just as fast 
And I am writing this post 
To let you know 
That there is most definitely life after an eating disorder and addiction
This is not a fluke 
Or an accident 
My recovery is down to hard work and determination
I truly believe that anything is possible if you put your mind to it 
I am living proof that your life could be in the toilet 
But you can still climb out 
And live a full life 
I remember Mary saying to me that positivity breeds positivity 
The same with energy 
Once you see a glimpse of what life could be like 
It's a huge reason to keep going
Of course 
My life is not perfect 
I struggle day to day 
With eating enough 
With body image 
With self confidence and self esteem 
I am too hard on myself 
And doubt myself a lot 
But I am doing the best that I can with what I have got
That's all any of us can do 
So please 
Take some comfort in knowing that I was in the gutter 
Addicted to heroin
With a chronic eating disorder 
There wasn't much hope for me 
I was lucky 
My family pulled me through
Never gave up on me 
I have been extremely blessed with the people in my life 
Especially the women 
Strong women are a role model for me
And I'm fortunate to have a lot in my life 
My mother who is my hero
My two sisters 
My aunties 
Ladies at the meetings 
I now know what it takes to be a strong woman 
And some day I hope to be someone who others look up to 

I'm off to have a little rest 
And spend some time with Mam and the dogs 
Wishing you a happy Friday 
And see you on the next post......


  1. I think it was good you were open about your addiction. It means that they'd be aware of any difficulties you may run into when you're there, plus you've been clean for a long time and it sounds like you manage your addiction well and have done for a long time.

    I'm glad it's going well, and I still keep feeling like I'm reading the posts of a completely different person to the blog I started reading four years ago.

    I am incredibly proud of you and hope you continue to build yourself up!


    1. Aw thanks Agnes
      That is so lovely to read
      I guess things have changed a lot
      I've changed a lot
      I hope for the better
      I hope for my benefit

      Hope you are doing ok too? X

  2. I never would have told them any of that! But i guess what i enjoy about you is your directness! Sounds as if it's the right place for you right now. Exited to hear more.

    Shelby xox

    1. I just felt comfortable enough to tell her Shelby
      I have no shame about my past
      And I just wanted her to know where I was coming from
      Maybe I am too open and honest
      But you are right
      I am pretty direct when it comes to talking about my conditions x

  3. I'm glad you're sticking with the job. Any job is overwhelming at first. Also happy to hear you're still scale-free!

    1. True Mich
      I'm really gonna give it my best
      And yes
      Still scale free.... X

  4. You are amazing. That is all! Xoxo

  5. first day on the job, oh?

    i'm very proud of you. just thinking about it makes me grin from ear to ear.

    well, Ruby, you're mentally 19 to me too! i mean that in a lovely way. i mean i've always found it easy to relate to you. i've no idea how to express it in more beautifully crafted words unfortunately so i hope that you've gotten the gist of it, love.

    i believe too that you lack in confidence. though i am hoping that you gain it overtime. i mean it's a skill, right? being confident. some are better than others, but i hope that you find confidence in yourself one day. you've accomplished so much. you should have a right to feel a little proud and smug sometimes even! just to let you know xxx

    "And that there was a genuine warmth off me" yes! i feel that off you too and i think it's very infectious. makes me feel content with my life actually.

    "I know I am blessed to work in such a place" this warms my heart to hear. God, Ruby, you are so lovely. i just wanted to say that. you are a very inspiring lady and i hope you don't forget it either!

    i think going scale-free helps your mentality so much from what i've observed thus far. funny thing, the opposite has happened with me. i've had a relapse myself a whiiiiile back, and i found that not weighing attributed a lot to it as weird as that sounds. though to each their own cup of tea. i find that people are very different when it comes to recovery. you just have to find what helps you best. i mean i was on Instagram simply for the recovery community, all they've done is made me want to relapse! but they did teach me a lot about what i thought my body could handle, they've done more harm than good i'm afraid xxx

    "I swear I wonder how I managed to get to the age of 34 in one piece!" that's the amazing thing, isn't it? it's amazing that after what we've done our bodies are still functioning. it's just... there's no words for it. our bodies are wonderful. they are extraordinary. and i'd bet you me one thing i know is that there are people in the world that would die to have our bodies. just to be able to walk is a miracle in itself. it's /amazing/.

    "I am too hard on myself
    And doubt myself a lot"

    i think i might've mentioned this before but i think part of recovery is to learn to let go of that. be less hard. be more accepting. i mean our personalities have a great deal to why we've gotten one in the first place. i think one of the biggest things i've needed to come to terms with (and still am) is nobody looks at you the way you look at yourself. i mean, we are critical creatures, we are. but we'd never say even a tenth of the things we think about ourselves to others. and why is that? that doesn't make much sense.

    i love you, Ruby!

    hope nothing i've said has offended you! and i wish i can find a better wording for the 19 year old thing!

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Lovely comment sam!

      Shelby xoxo

    2. Aw Sam!!
      I am blown away by your comment!
      Apologies I am just replying now
      But no
      You could never offend me
      You are too sweet and kind
      And you just made my day reading this comment
      I hope you know how amazing you are
      I see your comments on other blogs
      And on mine
      And you say the most lovliest things
      You make great observations
      You really take the time to read and comment
      Thank you for that
      You are a little star x

  6. Hey Ruby,ive been off in Europe for the last ten days so I haven't been up to date but as far as your history goes, in that kind of job honesty is good and the fact that you can have a good supervisor is invaluable becauee it helps you stay on track. Don't be nervous! You'll rock it!

  7. I'm commenting on this a bit late...not sure why I didn't see this post until today. Divine timing, perhaps?

    I see so much hope in your story, your life. I already see you as the strong woman that you see in others.


Thank you for leaving some love x