Monday

Apologies for the post free weekend 

The weather here has been glorious 

So I've spent most of it outside

Away from phones and TVs and computers 

As you may know 

Here in Ireland 

We pretty much get pants weather 

As in much rain

Much wind

And an awful lot of cold

But about once a year 

Just to tease us 

Mother Nature gives a little taste of what it's like to live in a sunny climate 

So for the last week

Our weather beaten country has been bathed in sunlight 

And boy do we appreciate the good weather when we get it 

I spent Saturday out in the garden 

In shorts and a vest 

I fell asleep in the sun a couple of times 

And by evening I looked like I was wearing red socks 

And a red t-shirt I was so burned

My skin felt hot and tight 

But it was my own fault 

I didn't wear sun cream

And I stayed out way too long 

It was hard to sleep that night 

As any pressure on my skin was agony 

I woke up the next morning 

Hoping it had begun to turn brown 

But it was still angry and red

Sunday morning 

And I had a horse riding lesson booked 

In the place where I fell off the horse three weeks ago 

I can't lie 

Having no been away for so long 

I was nervous to go back 

I thought about cancelling 

But I wanted to go back 

I didn't want my fear to get the better of me

So I headed out for my 10am lesson

I wore my new boots 

And really felt the part 

I arrived to see that Susan the instructor had a different horse for me 

A beautiful chestnut coloured one called Princess 

Susan said she thought Princess was suited better to me 

As I am 'a tiny little thing'

Princess was also older and slower 

And is what they call a 'confidence giver'

Age was definitely smaller than Sonny 

And more biddable 

I told Susan I was nervous 

So she talked me through everything 

And let me walk around the arena for a while 

Just to get my beatings 

Straight away 

I felt much better on Princess

More comfortable 

More in control 

On Sonny I felt like I couldn't control him 

As we walked around 

Susan constantly spoke to me 

To try and relieve my tension and anxiety 

I decided to tell Susan a bit about myself 

So she knows where I am coming from 

I explained that my previous horse riding was more horse therapy than lessons 

I also told her that I Am recovering from an eating disorder 

And horse therapy is part of my treatment 

Susan immediately apologised for calling me a tiny little thing 

But thdt didn't bother me at all 

I know she didn't mean any thing by Other than making an observation

I felt comfortable enough with Susan to tell her this 

As I just wanted her to know why I am horse riding 

And how my life has been effected 

Including my self esteem and confidence 

Susan was lovely 

And it felt good to be honest with her 

I really have no problem telling people about my past 

I don't feel ashamed 

I don't feel embarrassed 

It's my life 

My story 

At least it was my story 

Now I am writing a new chapter 

Where I throw myself in to life 

Where I live my life 

The way I want to 

Where I work 

I study 

I swim 

I dance 

I ride horses

I laugh 

I love 

Where I don't live a life dictated by drugs or food 

Soon I was trotting on Princess 

And it felt good 

All the while 

Susan was correcting me 

And giving my instructions 

It felt amazing on Princess 

So light I felt like I was floating 

So fluid and streamlined 

I asked Susan if we would try cantering today 

She left it up to me 

I really wanted to try 

As I love to canter 

And I wanted to face my fear

Susan gave me a bit of notice 

Then gave me the sign

As she told Princess to canter 

I held the safety strap

And sat in as much as I could 

I felt Princess speed up 

And I anchored myself in the stirrups 

With my heels down as much as I could 

As we went in to the canter 

I felt comfortable and in control 

It felt amazing 

The speed 

And the power of the horse is exhilarating 

It felt so good to face my fear 

After cantering a few times

I felt so much more relaxed 

Susan said I looked like a different person

Much happier 

And less worried 

I was just glad to have stayed on the horse!

The half hour was over so quickly 

And to cool down 

Susan brought me outside for a wAlk up the lane 

The cool breeze was welcome 

And we chatted some more 

Myself and Susan clicked really well

And I can genuinely see us being friends 

All too soon 

The lesson was over 

We brought Princess back to her stall 

And went around to the office 

I paid and thanked Susan 

And headed for home 

I always feel so good after a lesson

It's a natural high

A real adrenaline rush 

I feel so grateful to have found something that I love to do 

And get so much out of it

I'm meeting new people 

I'm around animals 

I couldn't be happier 

It's also great for my confidence 

And that ripples out to other areas of my life too 

I really feel like I am growing 

Getting stronger 

And feeling more capable and competent 

Today I had my doctor first thing 

My own doctor is away 

So I had Nice Woman Doctor this morning 

It was a quick one 

She asked me about the pancreatitis 

And told me that I should get bloods repeated in a couple of weeks

To check my Amaylase count 

Just to keep an eye on things 

After collecting my meds 

I went for a walk on the beach with the dogs 

We had a lovely time 

And they both went for a swim 

I did a little bit of shopping 

Before heading home 

Mum is still on crutches after her operation 

But she is much more mobile now 

She needs a lot of help 

And I am basically running the house at the moment 

Which I am actually really enjoying 

Of course I Always do my fair share of house work 

But at the moment the majority of the work is down to me 

The cooking 

The cleaning 

And anything that needs doing 

It feels good to be in control 

And I don't mind it at all

On Wednesday 

I am travelling to Dublin with my Dad

He is going to see a consultant about his hands 

His hands have lost a lot of power 

And the muscle seems to be wasting away 

Which also seems to be spreading up his arms 

He needs a lot of help 

He can't button his buttons 

Can't open jars 

Anything that requires grip or power he can't do

I am really hoping that there is something that can be done to help 

As he is really disabled as he is 

Anyway 

Fingers crossed 

So yes 

Things are ticking along nicely 

I feel good 

I feel well and strong and content 

Life is good 

And it's amazing to be able to say that 

I Am so grateful to be in a good place 

God knows it's taken me long enough to get here 

But better late than never right?

Right 

I feel hope for the first time in years 

I feel like I have a shot at living a happy life 

I feel positive 

I feel strong 

And I am loving life 

I can't ask for more than that.....