Thursday 12 May 2016

Decisions, decisions....

Now that I've been offered a job 
I'm having to juggle things around 
To make sure I can fit everything in
I really want to continue horse riding 
Which is at least one day a week
And I definitely need to keep going to meetings 
2-3 a week is a must 
I also have to factor in the fact I am caring for my mother at the moment 
And am pretty much running the house for the foreseeable future
I will be working about 24 hours a week
Which equates to three shifts 
So I've decided to postpone my course until September 
The course will always be there 
The job might not 
I am super excited to start working 
To be a working woman 
To have extra money 
To be out and about in the world 
I anticipate that the job will be very hard work
Both physically and mentally 
But im up for the challenge 
I feel ready to throw myself in to it 
I'm in a good place now 
My weight is stable 
My mood is good 
I feel capable, able and strong 
And I think this job could be the making of me 
There are just a few more ducks to get in a row 
I need to apply to the disability section of the social welfare 
My psychiatrist wrote me a letter 
Stating that the job would be of therapeutic value 
And so allow me to keep my disability benefit 
So I will get that done today 

Horse riding was so much fun yesterday 
It's so exciting to start cantering 
I really feel like I'm making progress each week
And that is an absolute joy!
Riding is helping me in so many ways 
It's something to look forward to every week 
It's really a whole day out for me each week
It takes an hour to drive there 
But I don't mind at all 
Because I love it so much 
I would travel three hours if I had to 
The healing power from horses and riding is incredible 
As you know 
I feel a great affinity with animals 
And get so much out of being around them 
It also helps with my confidence 
As I am out mingling and chatting with others 
I'm still a little shy and quiet 
But I know I will get there 
I know if I keep doing the next right thing 
I will be just fine 

As I wrote yesterday 
It feels like things are finally fitting in to place for me 
It's only taken me nearly 35 years
But at least I got there 
I think back as recently as Christmas 
I was so very lost 
Losing weight 
Losing my mind 
I felt like I was a little lost soul wandering around 
Not knowing what I was doing 
Or where I was going 
I had no direction
And I felt like I was drowning 
Like life was swallowing me up and spitting me out 
But I hung in there 
And things slowly began to change 
It was Mary who first told me about the horse therapy 
Our health service subsidies the horse riding as part of therapy 
So it only costs us €15 a lesson
Which is really good value 
If I could 
I would love to ride every day 
And maybe in the future I will
It has turned out to be a real passion
Something that fills the hole that drugs and alcohol left 
And that's what it's all about 
Finding healthy and meaningful ways to not only cope with life 
But to really enjoy life 
They say if you do what you love
You will never work a day in your life 
I am somewhat late finding out what I want to do in life 
But better late than never right?

I haven't experienced much happiness in my life 
And I don't think happiness is a constant thing 
At least for me it's not 
It's more like moments of happiness 
Here and there 
But at the moment 
Right now in my life 
I am as close to happy as I have ever been 
As well as happiness 
It's a feeling of contentment 
A feeling of steadiness 
Stability 
A feeling that I am on the right road 
That I am doing things that I love 
And that feeds my soul 
It such a relief to let go of all the self hatred and self loathing 
To stop caring so much what others think
I spent far too much of my life 
Trying to fit in
Trying to be part of the crowd 
And trying to get people to like me
But somewhere along the line 
I was trying so hard 
That I got lost along the way
I lost myself 
I used to mirror people 
If you were loud 
I was loud 
If you were quiet 
I was quiet
I didn't have the confidence to be myself 
So I copied you 
And figured that was the best way to be liked 
But now I know different 
Now I know that it doesn't matter one iota what people think of me 
If I am living my life in a good way 
With friends and family around me
If I am doing my best 
To be a good and honest person
Then it really doesn't matter what people think of me 
If I can lay my head down at night 
Knowing I lived that day to the best of my ability 
Then I can sleep well
With a clear conscience 
I thank my higher power for getting me through the day 
Without hurting myself or anyone else 
If I can do that 
Then it's been a good day 

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself 
In a world where there is so much pressure on us to conform
Especially on women 
To be all things to all people 
To be a mother 
A sister 
A daughter 
A worker 
A partner 
We are pulled in so many different directions 
It's hard to make time for us 
Time to just relax 
And recharge our batteries 
I guess I missed all the years where you develop your personality and your character 
Usually that happens in your teens and early twenties 
But as you know 
I was otherwise engaged during those years 
So I never really got to grow in to a young woman 
I found myself in my thirties 
Feeling like a 21 year old 
The body and face 
Did not match what was going on inside 
I know feel like I am playing catch up to everyone else 
Like I am ten years behind 
But that's ok
I will get there eventually 
I just need to hang in there 

Today is a good day 
I feel positive and hopeful about the future 
I feel like I have a fighting chance at life 
A happy life even 
And people 
If I can get through this 
Then I promise you 
You can too 
It's possible 
Recovery is possible 
It's a precious gift 
We just have to reach out and grab it...

9 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're opting for the job. It will be good to get out and about and have something to do. I hope you love it!

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    Replies
    1. I hope so too Mich
      I have a good feeling about it though
      And I will give it my best x

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  2. good decision rubes and well done you are going strength to strength xx

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  3. omgoodness let me comment after weeks and weeks ! no idea why xx jo

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  4. that is amazing! congrats! oh Ruby, is was such a great decision to take the job! you have come so far... sky's the limit!
    xx

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  5. This is so exciting! I'm glad you'll be able to keep up with the equine therapy while you start work. Maybe you'll even squeeze in a few extra lessons once you start earning an income?

    This is a bit random, but just throwing it out there; I saw ads on FB the other day for adult courses in veterinary nursing and thought of you. Just wondering if it's something you've considered?

    Love <3
    xxxx

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Thank you for leaving some love x