Much ado about boobs....

Yes

This is another post about boobs

And the fact that I have newly acquired a set of 34 D boobs

Well

I guess I've had them all the time 

I just didn't know that I had them

I looked at the bra that I was wearing yesterday before I was measured

You guys

It was 32 B

I was squeezing my ample bosom in to a teeny tiny bra

No wonder when I looked at the holiday photos

My boobage was all over the place 

Spilling out of the top and sides of my clothes

People 

I was in denial about my chest 

In my head I had nice petite bosom

But now I know the truth 

That I have  massive boobs!

I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the size of my chest 

I have to 

They are out there front and centre for everyone to see

There is no denying them now

I have taken out my new bras many times since yesterday 

And looked at them in disbelief 

They are a thing of wonder 

I swear you could fit a basketball in each cup

It could swaddle a small child 

It could hold two adult sized heads 

I shit you not

I have tried many times to get a photo 

But 

Photos just don't do it justice

I did think about posting a photo of me just in my bra 

But after consulting with my mother 

We decided that it might attract an unsavoury element to my blog

So that was a no go 

But all joking aside 

It's quite the traumatic event getting measured for a bra having gained weight 

Growing up 

I was pretty flat chested 

In to my twenties I was a 32 B

Blooming to a 34 D is a relatively new phenomenon 

But I guess it's partly to do with my age also 

I am 34 

I am a grown woman 

Even though Most of the time I am in denial about that 

My body has changed in the last few years 

I used to be so straight up and down 

No curves 

No shapes 

Now?

Well I have curves and shape to spare 

And I am becoming ok with that 

I've lost and gained so much weight over the years 

My body probably doesn't know what is happening 

And is trying to hold on to weight for dear life

I know I wrote about it yesterday 

But I was in genuine shock when the sales lady had me try on a 34 D

I thought she was just trying to figure out what size I was 

And then when it fit perfectly!

Well

I was in disbelief 

And you guys 

Not even only is my second bra a 32 D

It's a 32 DD!

I was too embarrassed to say yesterday 

But she actually said I was between a D and a DD

Jesus H Christ ladies!

What is happening to me?

I swear I don't recognise myself anymore

I think I am becoming 

Dare I say it 

Plus size

I feel like I have gone beyond the realm of  a normal healthy weight

And am tipping in to plus size 

Now I could be completely wrong about that 

I mean 

I am a UK size 10

So technically 

I am still of a normal healthy weight

But you guys 

I feel like there is so much of me at the moment 

That I can barely contain myself 

It's scary 

It's exciting 

It's terrifying 

It's thrilling 

It's so many emotions and feelings 

One of the great things about my bra now fitting correctly 

Is that it gives my body a nice shape 

I look in proportion

My waist looks smaller in comparison to my chest 

And I just look a bit more balanced

So that's nice

Now I just need the confidence to rock my new look!

I just asked my Mum if she thinks I am plus size 

She clicked her tongue and laughed 

So maybe I am wrong about that one 

I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better about this situation

I am aware that there are people reading this 

Who are still in the midst of their illness

Still suffering 

Still underweight 

And can't even contemplate allowing themselves to gain weight

I know that what I'm writing about here today is something that you might even greatly fear

And just can't let yourself go to that place 

I know because I was you 

I was in that place

When I was sick and underweight 

Allowing myself to gain weight was just out of the question

I couldn't comprehend it

It was something that terrified me 

To the point that I went to drastic measures to keep my weight low

I over exercised

I purged a stupid amount every day

I used laxatives and enemas 

I ate and allowed my body to consume precious little

Weight gain was my biggest fear

I can remember being in treatment 

I couldn't let go of the control

Couldn't eat and keep it down 

Wouldn't let my body absorb the calories it so desperately needed

At that time 

In my mind 

There was nothing worse that gaining weight 

It was inconceivable 

I couldn't get my head around it 

But then 

As you know 

About last April

I began to regain weight

In a lot of ways 

My recovery has happened in spite of me 

In a lot of ways 

It feels like I was carried along on a wave of love and support

And weight gain and recovery happened to me 

Rather than something I actively participated in

I know that sounds strange

But that's the way it feels

And I know that is probably the exception  rather than the norm 

But what I want to tell you

And you know I would never lie to you 

That weight gain hasn't been the horrid thing that I thought it would be

Of course 

As first 

It was traumatic 

And for me it happened very quickly 

Faster than I could process it

I can vividly remember the first time I noticed weight gain

I was still very under weight

But I was in the shower one night 

And I noticed that my tummy felt bigger 

I got out of the shower 

And proceeded to weigh myself 

I had gained a couple of kilos 

And I just wanted to die 

That was probably my lowest moment in regard to weight regain

After that 

It got easier 

I saw the benefits that came along with weight gain 

And I realised that I would rather be healthy and happy 

Rather than underweight and miserable 

Yes 

There is a feeling of satisfaction knowing that you are thin

But if you are utterly miserable 

Is it really worth it?

I really don't think so

Of course 

I realise that when I was ill

So many people told me these exact words 

That recovery is worth it

And I just had to take a leap of faith

So many people 

My family 

My friends

The professionals 

Told me to take a chance 

And I would reap the rewards 

But I know it's no good being told this 

You have to experience it for yourself 

Because I didn't believe those people 

Didn't want to believe them 

I was so stuck in a rut 

So disordered

And my thinking was so warped 

You don't think straight when you are malnourished

It's harder to make sense of things

Now that I am out the other side of my ED 

I feel it my duty and obligation

To tell you that there is life beyond ED

And addiction

I am more cautious to talk about addiction

As I still struggle with this 

Regarding my meds 

But with my ED?

My life is unrecognisable 

I feel one million times better 

I look very different 

I am a different person 

And I need you to know that it is possible for you too 

It's essential thdt you don't give up hope 

That you keep fighting for a better life

And a better future

Because there is a second chance for all of us 

If you are like me 

You might think that it is too late for you

But it's never too late 

Never 

I  am 35 years old

And it's only now that I am figuring things out 

And I am a slow learner 

My twenties were really tough 

A lot of people's twenties are

It's a time when we are trying to figure out who we are 

And what we are about 

Often we make a lot of silly choices and mistakes during this time 

God knows I sure did 

But now that I have reached my thirties 

I am a bit more sure of myself 

A bit more settled

And it's such a relief 

Such a good feeling to be finally figuring things out

Because for so long 

I was so lost 

So afraid 

So lonely 

But now 

Now things are coming together for me

And I am so grateful for that 

So please 

If you do one thing today 

Allow yourself to believe that there is a better life for you

There is life after anorexia/bulimia 

There is hope 

There is faith

There is a second chance for you

I know because it happened to me 

I fell as low as you can go

But I stand here before you today

Stronger than ever

If I can help just one person with my blog

And my experience 

Then my path and my experience 

has been worth it 

So please 

Today 

Give yourself a break

Give yourself the best gift of all

The gift of recovery and life 

Because you are worth it 

We all are

Now 

Back to boobs 

Here is a photo of one of my new bras 

You see?

It's mahoosive!!!