Ruby Returns....

I'm back 

After a few days of a blogging break

It felt like years rather than days

I missed blogging 

I missed writing

I missed you

My little blogger family 

My dear friends

I missed the constant to and fro of comments and replies and emails 

I missed feeling part of something

Something bigger than me 

I missed reading your updates

Commenting 

I missed it all

But as I said before I left 

I had acknowledged that my real life needed some work

A lot of work if truth be told

This week has been tough 

I've had to take a good hard look at myself 

My life 

What I do of a day 

How I manage myself

My ups and downs 

My emotions

My relationships 

My addiction

My eating disorder

My medications 

Yes 

It was plain to me 

That my real life needed some attention

There have been a lot of lessons learned in the last few weeks 

Especially around blogging

I learned that just because it happened 

Doesn't mean I need to blog about it

As a rule 

I've always elected not to write about others 

My family 

My friends 

My blogger friends 

But lately I've been bending that rule 

And that is not ok with me

I guess sometimes I feel pressure sometimes to produce the goods where my blog and my writing are concerned 

As you know 

I write everyday

And some days it's incredibly difficult to think of something to write about

So lately I've writing about things that maybe aren't suitable for my blog

Things that should be kept to myself 

Putting pressure on myself to keep interesting and readable

I have broken some key rules that I would usually live my life by

I have written about things that I usually wouldn't have 

The other issue 

Is how open and honest I am on my blog

It's a double edged sword really 

Being that honest I know can help others

And encourage them to be honest too

And I want to continue to be honest 

I really do

But I think I've been putting myself in a vulnerable place lately 

Again

For something to write about 

And almost for the shock factor too

My blog started to become like a fictional story 

A made up character 

Rather than my life

I would read over my blog

And it was like reading about someone else 

Like it wasn't me 

That's not good 

And I love to turn incidents in my life in to stories 

Even the smallest thing can be made in to a good story 

But I have to remember that this is my life  that I am writing and reading about 

It's a real person

Not a character in a story 

Then there is the whole meds situation

I have given responsibility of my meds to my mother 

She is holding on to them 

And I go to her each morning to take them

I know she doesn't really hide them 

I could find them if I wanted to

And she doesn't stand over me as I take them 

So I could stockpile them and continue to mess around them

I can't lie 

Everyday hasn't been perfect 

But I am doing my best 

And a hell of a lot better than I was doing 

So I guess I'm moving in the right direction

I'm seeing Breda on Monday 

So I am going to make it my business to speak to her about my meds

Again 

I am reluctant to talk to my doctor 

But 

I will play that one by ear

I met a good friend yesterday 

A girl I was in treatment with

And have kept in touch with since

We meet up every few weeks 

And it's always so lovely to chat to her

She is a few years older than me 

So she always has some sage words of advice for me

I told her that over the last while

I have been having an existential-type crisis 

You know the one 

Where you ask yourself 

Who am I?

What am I doing ?

Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Am I just a waste of space?

A burden to my family and society?

I've been asking these question a lot lately 

As a feel I am just treading water 

And barely keeping my head above the water line 

My friend said some really wise things 

That I am doing my best 

That I am enough 

Just the way I am 

That I will find my way

I am finding my way 

I have been through a lot

And am barely a year in to my recovery 

I just need to keep going 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting 

Another thing I have learned 

Is that I am not perfect

And never will be

No one is 

I've made some pretty horrible mistakes in my life 

And when I am feeling low 

I take them out of the file in the back of my head 

And berate myself with them 

I've been doing that a lot lately 

I've made myself sick to my stomach with all the awful mistakes I have made in my life

If I think about it too much

I really will go insane 

One thing that has been helping me 

Is saying the the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I can not change 

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

There is something so soothing and comforting about saying those words

Over and over

Like a mantra 

A chant 

There is also something comforting knowing that I can't change the past 

I can't change things I've done

I've said 

The people I've hurt 

The utterly stupid mistakes that I have made 

All I can do is learn the lesson

And move on 

So yes

Hopefully this is the start of me moving in a new healthier direction

I can't lie 

I still have huge urges to escape reality

The thought of living day in day out is

Terrifying 

But 

As my friend said to me yesterday 

Delay 

Delay the thoughts 

Delay the behaviour 

Delay

Also 

All I have to deal with is this 24 hours 

And tomorrow I will deal with when it comes 

I don't know guys 

I guess this is just life 

And sometimes life sucks 

Everyone goes through tough times

Everyone has a story 

A past 

A few skeletons in their closet 

No one is perfect 

Everyone has made mistakes 

It's not just people with mental illness or addiction that need to clean house sometimes 

It's everyone 

By the way 

Just to give you an update on the dog shelter situation

I rang them before I went away 

To let them know I would start when I got back

They said to ring when I returned 

Which I did 

Where upon they told me that they had me on file

And would ring me when I was needed 

I was confused 

As I thought that I would be starting 

But it looks like I might have to call in to them again

As a phone call doesn't seem enough

Anyway

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am here

And I am ok 

As ever 

I will keep writing

Keep showing up and doing my thing

Keep fighting for a better life 

For recovery 

For me and my family