Thursday, 29 October 2015

Ruby Returns....

I'm back 
After a few days of a blogging break
It felt like years rather than days
I missed blogging 
I missed writing
I missed you
My little blogger family 
My dear friends
I missed the constant to and fro of comments and replies and emails 
I missed feeling part of something
Something bigger than me 
I missed reading your updates
I missed it all
But as I said before I left 
I had acknowledged that my real life needed some work
A lot of work if truth be told
This week has been tough 
I've had to take a good hard look at myself 
My life 
What I do of a day 
How I manage myself
My ups and downs 
My emotions
My relationships 
My addiction
My eating disorder
My medications 
It was plain to me 
That my real life needed some attention

There have been a lot of lessons learned in the last few weeks 
Especially around blogging
I learned that just because it happened 
Doesn't mean I need to blog about it
As a rule 
I've always elected not to write about others 
My family 
My friends 
My blogger friends 
But lately I've been bending that rule 
And that is not ok with me
I guess sometimes I feel pressure sometimes to produce the goods where my blog and my writing are concerned 
As you know 
I write everyday
And some days it's incredibly difficult to think of something to write about
So lately I've writing about things that maybe aren't suitable for my blog
Things that should be kept to myself 
Putting pressure on myself to keep interesting and readable
I have broken some key rules that I would usually live my life by
I have written about things that I usually wouldn't have 
The other issue 
Is how open and honest I am on my blog
It's a double edged sword really 
Being that honest I know can help others
And encourage them to be honest too
And I want to continue to be honest 
I really do
But I think I've been putting myself in a vulnerable place lately 
For something to write about 
And almost for the shock factor too
My blog started to become like a fictional story 
A made up character 
Rather than my life
I would read over my blog
And it was like reading about someone else 
Like it wasn't me 
That's not good 
And I love to turn incidents in my life in to stories 
Even the smallest thing can be made in to a good story 
But I have to remember that this is my life  that I am writing and reading about 
It's a real person
Not a character in a story 

Then there is the whole meds situation
I have given responsibility of my meds to my mother 
She is holding on to them 
And I go to her each morning to take them
I know she doesn't really hide them 
I could find them if I wanted to
And she doesn't stand over me as I take them 
So I could stockpile them and continue to mess around them
I can't lie 
Everyday hasn't been perfect 
But I am doing my best 
And a hell of a lot better than I was doing 
So I guess I'm moving in the right direction
I'm seeing Breda on Monday 
So I am going to make it my business to speak to her about my meds
I am reluctant to talk to my doctor 
I will play that one by ear

I met a good friend yesterday 
A girl I was in treatment with
And have kept in touch with since
We meet up every few weeks 
And it's always so lovely to chat to her
She is a few years older than me 
So she always has some sage words of advice for me
I told her that over the last while
I have been having an existential-type crisis 
You know the one 
Where you ask yourself 
Who am I?
What am I doing ?
Where am I going?
What is my purpose?
Am I just a waste of space?
A burden to my family and society?
I've been asking these question a lot lately 
As a feel I am just treading water 
And barely keeping my head above the water line 
My friend said some really wise things 
That I am doing my best 
That I am enough 
Just the way I am 
That I will find my way
I am finding my way 
I have been through a lot
And am barely a year in to my recovery 
I just need to keep going 
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep fighting 

Another thing I have learned 
Is that I am not perfect
And never will be
No one is 
I've made some pretty horrible mistakes in my life 
And when I am feeling low 
I take them out of the file in the back of my head 
And berate myself with them 
I've been doing that a lot lately 
I've made myself sick to my stomach with all the awful mistakes I have made in my life
If I think about it too much
I really will go insane 
One thing that has been helping me 
Is saying the the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I can not change 
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

There is something so soothing and comforting about saying those words
Over and over
Like a mantra 
A chant 
There is also something comforting knowing that I can't change the past 
I can't change things I've done
I've said 
The people I've hurt 
The utterly stupid mistakes that I have made 
All I can do is learn the lesson
And move on 

So yes
Hopefully this is the start of me moving in a new healthier direction
I can't lie 
I still have huge urges to escape reality
The thought of living day in day out is
As my friend said to me yesterday 
Delay the thoughts 
Delay the behaviour 
All I have to deal with is this 24 hours 
And tomorrow I will deal with when it comes 
I don't know guys 
I guess this is just life 
And sometimes life sucks 
Everyone goes through tough times
Everyone has a story 
A past 
A few skeletons in their closet 
No one is perfect 
Everyone has made mistakes 
It's not just people with mental illness or addiction that need to clean house sometimes 
It's everyone 

By the way 
Just to give you an update on the dog shelter situation
I rang them before I went away 
To let them know I would start when I got back
They said to ring when I returned 
Which I did 
Where upon they told me that they had me on file
And would ring me when I was needed 
I was confused 
As I thought that I would be starting 
But it looks like I might have to call in to them again
As a phone call doesn't seem enough

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am here
And I am ok 
As ever 
I will keep writing
Keep showing up and doing my thing
Keep fighting for a better life 
For recovery 
For me and my family 


  1. hi ruby, so glad to have you back.just a thought but there might be some other places desperate for volunteers. I've been doing that for a year now and love it its helped a lot.
    i didn't know that prayer but think its lovely will def try remember it when I'm fretting about things.of course you have a purpose! one day at a time i think is good advice for us all. love jo xxx

    1. Thanks Jo
      Yes, maybe this one wasn't meant to be
      I will continue to look for work though
      Paid or unpaid
      Just to give myself something to do
      And to help someone outside of myself

      Love your photos!
      Going to text you back now x

  2. We do the serenity prayer at meal in the treatment center where I work and j just now got the last part, "please God bless the food, the cooks, the eaters, the addicts still suffering and our families amen." try saying that all fast ha. I really do love that prayer though. In supervision my professor will sometimes as me to do the solution focused technique where you ask the person "if you could wave a magic wand and everything would be different, what would that look like?" and then when they tell you you ask them what they can do to make that happen. Give it a shot. Write down what you want and steps to get tgerethere. Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed I'll make a sticky note list and I'll even put "take shower" just to feel like I'm accomplishing things and build up steam to do the bigger stuff. Doesn't matter I was going to do it anyway. Sometimes you have to think of it as a block of time, awake to sleep, and look at what you can do in that time, not tomotomorrow, just this day.

    1. Hey Eve, thanks for this
      You make a lot of sense
      The serenity prayer is amazing
      It calms me right down so I'm able to move on
      A lot of the time I forget to say it
      But when I do say it it works a treat

      And yes
      I think writing down some goals and aspirations is a great idea
      Just so I'm not aimlessly floating along

      I love the sound of the work you are doing
      Are you enjoying it? X

  3. Hey there stranger :P Didn't think it'd be too long before we saw you again.
    I know there's a sense of pressure we put on ourselves with blogging, but it sounds like it could really have a positive effect if you were able to stop pushing yourself to post each and every day. I mean, I try to post at least once a week and even that stresses me out sometimes.

    Love you Ruby <3

    1. Love you too Hun

      Meant to email you
      Because I had a dream about you the other night
      You were in a cafe
      And I could see you from distance
      But when I got up close
      I could see it wasn't you

      Wonder what thdt means?

      Hope you're doing ok my love x


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