Saturday, 24 October 2015

At a loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back time?
And change history?
I sure do 
I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days 
I also learned a big lesson
Just because it happened 
Doesn't mean I have to blog about it
Which leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog 
Maybe I should censor myself a bit more
And not be so frank all the time 
Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at 
Because I am not in a good place

The reason I am upset today 
Is not just what happened with Marla
But because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attention
I don't know if you remember Loulou who used to be a close friend of mine 
We texted and emailed every day
She was good to me
And I did my best to help her
She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy 
I disagreed with her
And we had a huge argument 
All through texts
And I haven't heard from her since
Thdt must be about a year ago now
So this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou 
And makes me question myself 
And my motives for writing 
And the support we give each other 
I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point 
The writer brought up a lot of good points 
It was food for thought for sure

After everything that happened yesterday 
I had a long chat with my mother 
We talked about where I am at 
And what I need to do to keep moving forward 
Of course the subject of meds came up
As it always does 
I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now on
As I just can't trust myself 
Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it 
But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 

My mother also reminded me 
That back in August 
I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery 
Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly 
Go to meetings 
And stay in touch with friends 
I have done none if these things so far
I haven't been to a meeting in months 
I'm abusing my meds 
And I've lost touch with all my friends 
So the only social outlet I have is here on my blog
That can't be healthy 
I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 

I am stuck at the monent 
I acknowledge that 
I've come a long way
But thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am 
There is still a long long way to go
After speaking with my mum last night 
I asked her to help me
To help me with my meds 
To help me get to meetings 
Which I have decided to go back to
As they do help
And keep me grounded in my recovery 
I know I will need support to get back on track 

Last night was horrible 
I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning 
I felt so bad for Marla
And so guilty for my actions 
I spoke to my mum about blogging
And if it is healthy for me 
She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negative
That is true
95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive 
And so many cool things have happened recently 
Being asked to do write for different publications 
And being able to help others 
So I won't stop blogging 
I will continue to write 
Just maybe not in the same way 

Today I am wondering if in fact this community is as healthy and productive as we think it is
Yes we are all friends 
Yes we support each other 
But are we being honest with each other? 
Are we telling each other what we want to hear
Or what we need to hear?
I am undecided on this right now 
I'm just not sure 
Marla made a point 
And I am wondering if there is any truth in it
I think back to my stints in treatment 
And remember how we all competed to be the sickest 
The thinnest 
Who needed the most attention from staff
I'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval 
To be told that I am ok
Thdt I have come a long way
And therefore don't need to go any further
I don't profess to be perfect
I am the anthisesis of perfection
And am no poster girl for recovery 
But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery 
And keep fighting for my life 
I am honest here 
Probably to a fault 
And now I don't where to go from here 
Do I keep blogging as usual?
Do I take a break?
I'm still thinking about these things 
Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover 
Which I do 

I guess I have some serious thinking to do
To reevaluate where I am at 
Jo made  the point yesterday 
That we need to stick together 
Because we are all in the some boat 
We shouldn't be pulling each other down
She is so right 
I don't want to argue with anyone 
And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone
Marla has emailed me
And she is ok 
But she is not going to read anymore 
I feel sad about this 
That she came to my blog looking for support
And ended up in the eye of a storm 
I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days 
Next time 
I will think before I write 

18 comments:

  1. Dear Ruby,
    We all come tumbling down sometimes, x.
    For the record, when I originally read Marla's comment, I read it very differently from you. I read it as friendly, grounded in the concern that you need to feel your strength from within. That was the main point I heard in it, and I didn't hear it as an attack on you at all.
    One of the problems with written comments is that one can always read the tone in different ways, especially if it's from someone you don't know. If you are down yourself, you are more likely to hear things as attack, but they might not be. This isn't a point about Marla's comment, so much as a question of which issue is really worth thinking about here?
    With good wishes for you. And your mum!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you
      I appreciate it
      And so does my mum x

      Delete
  2. There IS DEFINATELY an element of ENABLING in some instances.
    Personally I try to "encourage"as it's a fine line.
    But i will NOT humour weightloss goals/constant focus on appearance etc etc that's still sick.
    I try hard to keep my comments truthful. I don't say "You're so skinny" or any of that. Cos it's hopeless.

    Do not worry too much about the disagreement. I'm sure marla forgives you.

    I like your honesty. It's what keeps me rooting for you i guess. Most people are liars.

    Hope you feeling ok.

    I want you to actually reach your goals as i know you can. And you should. I want your mum happy too. She has been through a lot.

    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Shelby
      Sorry
      I don't have mAny words today
      Just feel so sad x

      Delete
    2. Awww
      Misunderstandings do happen and they suck.

      Xxxxx

      Delete
  3. Ruby, please, honestly, do not beat yourself up over this. People choose to read your blog. They don't have to, there is no law telling people to. It is on the internet for the world to read whether they want to or not. There are certain blogs which I don't read - triggering ones, thinspo ones etc. I choose not to read them because I have that choice. If I read something that I don't like, then that it my doing, not the fault of the person who wrote it. Even if you *were* writing to get positive affirmation from others (which, just for the record, I don't think for a moment that you are, and, I think you know that I always comment honestly on your blog), if that's *your* reason for writing then so be it. The people who do not want to read about it don't have to. It really is that simple.

    Don't lose sleep over it Ruby.

    Louisa xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Louisa
      I guess I just hated to think of Marla feeling attacked
      And I do regret writing that post
      How and ever
      It's done now
      And I will move on

      How aw you? X

      Delete
  4. We all have moments of weakness Ruby, and you can't hit a bullseye every time. You've done your best to rectify your hurting someone else, and that's a good enough thing to do. Don't blame yourself for sticking up for yourself - you felt threatened and you defended yourself. Big cats in the wild do it, and so do we.

    I'm very well thanks - loving postgrad life in London! It's taken a lot of work to get to this point, I can't lie, and facing up to my ED and tackling clinical depression head on has been harder than any of the hundreds of immunological pathways I have to learn. But the view from the top is pretty damn good. Keep climbing Ruby, and never give up.

    Louisa xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I'm so happy to hear life is going well for you
      You deserve it
      And I wish you so much success and happiness
      And thanks for your support
      It means a lot x

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dearest Ruby,

    One of the hardest lessons I've learned is the importance of the pause. I used to be very open with my thoughts, reactions, feelings, etc. That bit me in the ass more than once. Once I learned to wait and be patient with my words I became much more positive with myself and my world.

    You need to write. You have a gift and it works as therapy. However, you may benefit from hitting that pause button on some of your thoughts. There's nothing wrong with tossing a topic around in your head a few days to give it some clarity.

    And going to meetings sounds like a wonderful plan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you JJ
      I appreciate your words
      And they ring true for me
      Lesson learned x

      Delete
  7. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this spot Ruby. I've been keeping myself out of it but have been reading the posts and comments.

    Personally, I think the issue is more with writing a post directed at/about someone specific in the community. Whether or not they write their own blog is irrelevant. Even when the content is positive, it can be uncomfortable knowing there are hundreds of followers potentially reading about you. That's just my personal rule though - I'll write about some friends, but never another blogger.

    As for the community and encouraging/complimenting/whatever, I think it's a case-by-case thing. I mean, there is definitely an unhealthy element to it, but there is also an element of this community being a safe haven and, yes, sometimes I feel 'babying' is more appropriate than tough love or harshness (or whatever you want to call it - feel I have to choose my words carefully right now). We get enough of that elsewhere in our lives. Like I said, I don't think it's something that applies 100% of the time either way.

    Love you Ruby. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe a couple of days offline (or at least not checking comments) will do you some good. Clear your head and all that :)

    <3
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You were right to stay out of it Bella
      It was horrible
      And I regret it so much

      I am going to take a couple of days off
      I need to focus on my real life I think
      Thank you Hun x

      Delete
  8. Ok Ruby, we will all make sure and double check never to write anything remotely critical here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not what I meant
      And I think you know that..... X

      Delete
  9. Got your maile, Rubly;
    Please take care of yourself-!!

    <3 Jils

    ReplyDelete
  10. Do not feel like you should sensor yourself on your own blog. You are an amazing writer, an inspiration to many, and you're just absolutely lovely. I didn't see the comments just yet, unless you erased them, but I learned the hard way that even if you unload all of your deepest feelings, the words from your soul; there will always be someone who has to bitch about it. That's their problem, not yours. You're amazing Ruby. Fuck everyone else.
    XOXO Katie

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x