Friday, 11 November 2016

Facebooking from the edge....

I have only recently started using Facebook
I was blissfully ignorant to it for a long time 
I avoided it for a few reasons 
The number one being that I had no life 
And it made me feel really lonely and envious of all the people who seemed to have these fantastic lives
If I had a FB account this time last year
All I would be posting is pictures of mountains of food, toilets and vomit 
And let's face it
That is nothing to brag about 
I had nothing positive to report at all
I simply couldn't handle seeing images and videos of cruelty to animals 
These images stayed lodged in my brain
And I literally couldn't go on knowing about the atrocities that we as humans do to animals 
It's a bit of a tug of war for me
I don't want to know these things 
Yet at the same time I want to be aware of what is going on
Take this morning for example 
I scrolled through my news feed 
And stumbled upon an article about animals being skinned alive in India and China 
To make out leather goods 
I broke down after reading the article 
I utterly despaired 
And did not want to be part of the human race if this is what we do to creatures that show nothing but loyalty and unconditional love 
I just don't understand it 
I really don't 
After the tears subside 
The anger sets in
And the absolute need to do something about 
I signed a petition 
I shared it on Facebook
And wrote a post about my feelings 
But it doesn't feel like enough 
I've been thinking about becoming vegetarian for a while now 
And now knowing where most of our leather comes from 
I'm even considering vegan ism 
The only thing is 
That I don't know the first thing about it 
I don't know how to cook vegan food 
I'm not even sure which foods are vegan
I just want to do something 
Even if it's in my own small way 
After this 
I went in to the kitchen 
And sat on the floor with Honey and Lea
I hugged them tightly 
And thanked my lucky stars that I am able to give two dogs a good and loving home 
I could write for days about this 
But I'll stop here as I just have no more tears 

In other news
Today is Friday 
And I usually have a half day today 
But today I am off sick with some sort of bug 
I've had diarrhoea for about two weeks now 
And I just feel so tired and weak
It's nice to have a day off though 
Even if I don't feel all that well
So I now have a month done of my course 
Some things are getting easier 
But I must admit
I do struggle to retain information
Thank you 12 years of drug abuse
For my brain like a sieve 
For low self esteem and confidence 
For an inherent inability to like myself 
Or to believe in myself 
For putting me through hell
And not forgetting anorexia and bulimia 
For my weak body 
A malfunctioning body
And for any lack of life skills 
Oh yes
They have treated me well
So because of all this 
More often than not 
I feel like the class dunce 
I always seem to be asked the question I don't know the answer to 
And never the one I do know the answer to
Yesterday I walked away from my stable and left the door open!
Our tutor shouted at me from across the yard 
And I felt so embarrassed 
I'll never make that mistake again 
That's for sure
I struggle with the equipment 
I forget the names of things 
During our riding lesson
Our tutor had us take our feet out of our stirrups 
Asked us questions 
And we could only get our stirrups back when when answered our question correctly 
I had to do two laps of the arena like this 
And boy did I feel stupid 
On a positive note 
I am now cantering 
And not by accident 
Yesterday morning I was on a beautiful dun mare called Bambino
What a beauty 
I think she has been my favourite so far 
She was lovely and forward to ride 
Responded with little effort from me
Just a joy to ride
I was surprised when our tutor told me to canter 
As if had no instruction
It was just out of the blue 'Canter at the next corner'
I kicked on Bambi
Sat in to the saddle 
Leg behind the girth
And the sprang in to a canter 
Such a rush 
A definite improvement on my day

I only have a couple of photos this week
Below is Arnie having a rest 
And me chillin' with Bambi.....


  1. I've blocked a few friends from my newsfeed because of those articles and videos. I don't think you have to go vegan to take a stand against animal cruelty, though. As long as you're aware where your food and clothing comes from, you can make sure you're not supporting cruelty.

    I hope you get better soon. Tummy bugs are no fun. <3

    1. I guess so Mich
      I just feel the need to do something
      To help
      To support
      Even if it's in my own little way
      I swear I will never be the same again after reading those articles and watching the videos
      I just can wrap my head around it at all
      What is wrong with people?
      Have they no heart?
      No empathy?
      No soul?
      It boggles my mind that people can be so cruel

      How are you doing my friend? X

  2. You've probably noticed, but I don't post on Facebook for much the same reasons. I did keep using it for a while after my ED first started, but I lost so many friends, it was better to keep my mouth shut.

    Maybe have a look for some of the more popular Facebook pages on veganism. I see a lot of easy vegan recipes etc. around, so I'll keep you in mind and link you to any pages I see. There's also a lot more vegan-friendly products popping up in supermarkets and fast food outlets. I was vegetarian for a while when I was younger, and finding fake-meat type products was impossible. Now they're everywhere. Maybe start with just adding more vegetarian or vegan snacks/meals in to your week, and see how you go from there.


    1. Thanks Bells
      I appreciate that
      I guess I need to do some research before I make a decision
      There aren't exactly a lot of vegan stores or supermarkets where I live

      I'm just going to catch up on your blog now
      I hope you're ok
      Thinking of you lots x

  3. So I am not currently vegan and so can't recommend much.. but there's a woman with a YouTube channel Bite Sized vegan that I recommend if you are interested in ethical veganism. She does these bite sized nuggets that can be very informative. Because of my eating disorder and drinking, veganism fell apart, but I have a feeling if I recover that I will end up at least vegetarian. So if you have ethical issues with animal abuse... she's a good resource. She has a website too, but I mostly watched the YouTube stuff.

    1. Thank you for this
      I will look her up for sure
      That is a concern though
      Cutting out meat and animal products may feed in to my ED
      But I feel quite strong at the moment
      So I will maybe do a trial run and see how I go x

  4. I'm not a huge fan of facebook, but I still spend way too much time there. I find that it leaves me feeling lonely because I have such a diverse list of friends. Mennonite family members, atheist friends, church friends, recovery friends, and coworkers. It's hard to balance what I say or don't say.

    It's odd, but I've found that when I'm eating vegetarian (and sometimes vegan), I have less ED related urges. I focus more on the beauty, the art, and the science of what my food does for my body and my mind. It also forces me to think differently about what I'm eating. I have to plan a bit, and non-ED planning is proving to be a good skill for me to have. :) Planning ahead is satisfying for me and it prevents me from obsessing....if that even makes sense.

  5. I've cut down my meat consumption drastically, but I'm not quite a vegetarian. It's just too much pressure to never be allowed to eat meat.

  6. I should not fiddle with your diet too much. There's no good in being animal conscious if you are going into an ED spiral. That won't help anyone.

    1. I actually agree, it's an extremely easy slide from going vegan to going full blown anorexia again. I've lost count of the number of people I've seen slip right back into their ED's days after switching to a vegan diet.

  7. Besides you can help out with donations or volunteering or buying ethical clothes etc.


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