Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Time off

As I type this 
I am sitting in the bus station
Waiting for the bus home 
I went in to school this morning 
Just to give the bridal back that I was practising on 
I've decided to take a few days off
As I  am starting to struggle
Anxiety is getting the better of me 
And I'm struggling to get out the door n the morning 
I guess I haven't been looking after myself too well
I haven't been eating properly 
Or taking my meds correctly 
And I'm generally feeling run down and tired
Of course I turned to the one place I know I can go to write and get some much needed advice 
I feel like I have neglected this blog
And you my friends 
I'm sorry for that 
I've just been so busy trying to get through the week 
That at the end of the day I have zero energy left 
I have been using Facebook recently 
It's been fallout of the month 
And I've been very open there 
Maybe too open 
So I'm going to give it a rest for a while 
And just concentrate on getting well
I really don't want to give up my course 
But at the same time 
I need to take care of myself and my mental health 
So I missed yesterday 
And this morning was pretty horrible trying psych myself up to go in
I drive myself in to the bus 
And waited at the bus stop
I was having a fight with myself whether to go in or not 
But I had the bridal to return 
So I got on the bus 
I walked over to school 
And met my class mates 
They were lovely 
And gave me big hugs 
I then spoke to my tutor 
And she said it was fine to take some time off 
She also said she would make an appointment with the school counsellor for me 
I also contacted Mary 
And have an appointment with her next week 
I will also see my doctor 
And my psychiatrist 
I really want to build myself up over the next few days 
And get my strength back 
So I can be fighting fit when I return next week
I just need some me time 
I threw myself in to this course at full speed 
Now it's starting to catch up on me
And I am flagging 

So 
Over the next few days 
I'm going to rest 
Relax 
Recouperate 
Lots of Honey and Lea time 
I also have some work to do at home so I will try to keep up with everyone else 
Of course now I am wondering if I did the right thing taking time off 
And I feel like did I do the right thing?
But I have to trust my gut 
And go with that 
I'm just a bit worried about falling behind  
And missing out 
But look
I have made the decision now 
So I just have to go with it
And trust that I know me best 
And know when I need to slow down 
And cool the jets
I'm also hoping to catch up on you blogs 
And get up to date with what's happening with y'all 
And as for me?
I guess I need to sort a few things out 
Especially how open I am about my issues
As after writing about them on FB
I felt really exposed and vulnerable 
I asked people what they thought about writing such things on such an open forum 
I got a mixed response 
Some said it was a brave thing to do 
Some said it could put me in a very vulnerable position
I am undecided 
But I will give it a rest for a few days
Just to breathe 
And to sort my head out 
That's me 
I'm not perfect 
I never professed to be 
I am flawed 
I have a mind that works faster than I can process the information
I have a wild imagination
Some might call that paranoia 
I've been known to read too much in to things 
And over think until my brain hurts

Edit: I am now back home 
I've been here an hour 
And already I'm bored silly
Now I'm regretting saying I'll take some time off 
And am thinking about going in to tomorrow and Friday 
And taking Monday and Tuesday of for appointments
If I seem a bit all over the place 
It's because I am
I'm restless 
Uneasy 
Anxious 
Where ever I am 
I want to be somewhere else 
I don't know 
I guess I will play it by ear
Watch this space 
I will keep you updated....

5 comments:

  1. you can neglect this blog as much as you want. it is your blog after all. don't feel like you have to maintain it. it's supposed to be there for you.

    i'm so sorry you've been struggling recently, love.

    please take care of yourself best as you can. i think perhaps maybe this is going to be good for you... honestly, gut feelings for me are the best. my head might not know what's up but my body definitely knows it beforehand! <3

    just focus on what you need right now. whatever that may be. if you feel bored, fix it. if you feel overwhelm, take a break. it's a balancing act. try to find out what works for you. <3



    -Sam Lupin

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  2. Oh dear!
    You need your 3 meals a day!
    You need your meds.
    We believe in you.
    Don't worry so much - easier said than done.
    But 3 proper meals will actually help quell anxiety. Wild blood sugars especially low blood sugar will really EFF you up mentally.

    Do your best Ruby. We cheering 4 you.

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  3. I think that recognizing when you need some "me time" is a sign of strength. :)

    I have the same tendencies with being vulnerable and open about my struggle. Sometimes it leaves me in a strange state of mind. I have yet to regret it though, despite any discomfort I cause with it. lol

    I hope you get some good rest, whatever that may look like for you.

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  4. Being open about mental health on Facebook is a double edged sword. You'll find good feedback and definitely increased awareness, but I found I also lost a lot of friends when I still used it, which is why I don't anymore. Some people just can't read about it every day.

    I'm glad to hear you'll be seeing Mary again. She was such a great support to you, I hope she can be so again.

    Lots of love <3
    xxxx

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  5. I think it's normal to have a flare up of other issues because you are challenging yourself in a new and enormous way. Whether time off is beneficial depends on what you do it, but reaching out to your support network is exactly the right choice and I'm glad you're working on that.

    As for the blog, do it for yourself. As for FB, that's a risk assessment that is different for everyone. I am much more reserved in interactions related to "real life" the way FB is. Not everyone can handle mental health and addiction issues, and some people could use that info to hurt you.

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Thank you for leaving some love x