Friday, 2 December 2016

Hanging on

I'm here 
I'm still here 
Even though I've been using Facebook more than blogger recently 
As it's quick and easy
And when I have zero energy after a day in school
I don't feel like writing a whole big spiel 
When I last left you
I had taken some time off school due to a funny tummy caused by anxiety
I really was struggling 
And I took about four days off
I went back this week
Although I missed today due to bad weather and icy conditions
But it's great to be back 
I missed my course 
My school friends 
The horses 
Yesterday I got to ride for the first time in a couple of weeks 
In the morning I was on Blue 
My little white friend 
We are pretty good buddies by this stage 
I spend time grooming him 
Tacking him up
He has a bad habit 
Which is called wind sucking 
Which means he bites on to his feeding trough
Arches his neck 
And sucks in the air
It releases a rush of endorphins 
And the horse gets addicted to it
I was telling my Mam about this yesterday 
And she said
'Ruby, trust you to get one horse who is a drug addict!'
Oh how we laughed 
It is funny though 
I try the distract Blue from the wind sucking 
But he is one determined boy
It's no secret in the yard that Blue is lazy 
He's also very small
And his trot is so neat 
If very slow 
And his canter 
Well when I can get him to canter 
It's just adorable 
He's like a little toy horse 
I'm developing a real sense soft spot for Blue 
In the lesson 
Blue was just not feeling it 
He was barely conscious 
Never mind awake 
And he just flat refused to canter for me 
But anyway 
I love him all the same 
In the afternoon 
I was on Bambi 
Who is just a joy 
And beautiful to boot 
Feistier than Blue 
She is pretty from head to tail 
And boy does she know it 
She is a lot more responsive 
So where as with Blue 
I've to give him a good kick to get going 
With Bambi 
She just needs a squeeze 
And a tap of the stick to canter
In our individual exercise 
We had to canter twice around the arena 
Which meant passing out the rest of the ride 
Blue was so funny 
When he had done one circuit 
He just slotted in behind Nikon
And in front of Jigsaw 
So nearly and perfectly 
I got Bambi to do it though 

I've been getting a lot of support since this anxiety has taken over 
I spoke to my tutor 
I'm seeing Mary again for a few weeks 
And I also have been seeing my school counsellor 
As well as help from my family and friends 
I am truly blessed to have so many good people in my life 
And it just makes life that bit easier 
Anxiety really is a silent assassin 
To the outsider 
It's not detectable 
But in my head 
There is a whirlwind going on
Thoughts and more thoughts 
Thinking and over thinking 
It's relentless negativity 
For me 
It leads to rash and impulsive actions 
Doing things without thinking them through
It also goes hand in hand with insecurity 
Low confidence 
Low self esteem 
And perfectionism 
The bottom line being that I think I'm a bad person 
And just not good enough
One of my tutors has been great 
She is our horsemanship tutor 
So she does horse theory with us on a Wednesday 
And come new out to the stables with us the following couple of days 
She gave me a ring on Tuesday 
To see how I was doing 
I was feeling pretty low 
And she told me some things that really helped 
She said my horse riding was one of the best in the group
And that I am really liked within the group
That I am a positive influence 
I can't tell you the lift it gave me to hear this 
I always felt like the dunce in horse riding 
That I did everything wrong 
I also thought people didn't like me at all
So to hear that I am very much liked is so reassuring 
I'm becoming aware that I need a lot of affirmation 
That I don't trust my own judgement as far as how I'm doing 
I'm sure that's ok
But I need to be able to assure myself 
Without getting it from others 
I'm hoping that doing this course will boost my confidence 
And I will start to see myself in a more positive light 
I mean I'm doing my best 
I really am 
Learning does not come easy to me
And I really need to work on it 
Especially around the theory 
I have an IT exam coming up too
I had the choice to take it before Christmas or after 
I'm think I'm going to take it after 
Just to give myself that extra bit of time 
I've also started studying in the evenings 
Just to go over stuff
And get it in to my head 
I'm feeling a lot better now 
And am optimistic about continuing my course 
I love it
I am in my element learning about horses 
I guess the dream is to own my own pony or horse
That would be in my wildest dreams 
I'm think it's possible 
It could happen 
And this course is perfect for learning all I need to know
I must say 
The course is fantastic 
The tutors 
The way it's run 
The course content 
It's very comprehensive
And gives a great foundation for learning about horses
I love it so much 

In other news 
Christmas is fast approaching 
I usually love it 
But this year in just not feeling it
So far anyway 
It's supposed to be the best time of year 
But of course it doesn't always happen that way 
It can often be a really stressful time 
I know many of my Christmases growing up were ruined by addiction
People drinking too much 
Family rows 
Bust ups and breakdowns 
Absolute disasters 
Our house is an alcohol free zone 
Anyone who comes here knows the score 
I really don't miss drinking 
I don't miss it at all
Especially the hAngovers 
When I drank at my staff party in the summer 
It took me days to recover 
The come down was horrific 
The fear 
The shame about what you did and said the night before 
The stupid things I did that seemed like a good idea at the time 
I enjoy my sobriety far more than that 
It is precious 
Christmas makes me feel very grateful for what I have 
A lovely comfortable house to live in 
A dry clean bed to sleep in 
Clothes on my back
Food in my fridge 
A loving and strong family around me
Two beautiful dogs at my feet 
Who I love beyond words 
Friends that I cherish 
A course that I love 
And a feeling of contentment that I don't think I have felt before 
What is important has changed radically for me this year 
This time last year I was relapsing 
Losing weight 
Not to mention my mind 
Controlling my weight was my priority 
I thought about it morning til night
Now I rarely think about it 
I don't weigh myself 
I have no idea what I weigh 
Android I don't want to know 
My clothes fit 
I feel strong and healthy 
My hair and nails and skin are in good condition 
And even if I did gain a little weight 
It's not the end of the world 
In the scheme of things 
It's not really important 
I don't know what  the turning point for me was 
I guess it was a couple of things 
Feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired 
Just having enough 
Realising that my ED was making me feel utterly miserable 
The fact that my body and mind could take no more 
Then I started horse riding 
And that helped me more than I can ever describe 
For me 
It was so important to fill the hole that my ED left 
With something positive 
And horse riding is that something positive 
Since I started equine assisted therapy back in March 
I'm have fallen in love with everything horsey 
I just can't get enough of it 
I am learning that it is so important to have a raisin d'être 
A reason to get up in the morning 
A purpose 
Something that warms your heart 
Your spirit 
Your soul 
It's amazing to be able to say it 
But I feel happy 
For the first time in my life 
I actually feel happy 
I hope my story will give others hope
I got through six years of drug addiction
And 15 years of disordered eating 
With all sorts of other little addictions along the way 
There is life after these issues 
I am walking talking proof of that 
So whatever you do
Never give up hope 
As long as we are breathing 
There is hope 

Below are some photos of my time during equine assisted therapy...


  1. I'm shocked you felt/feel that way about a larger person!!!

    You wondered how they could live with themselves!!!????

    Sorry but yes, that is awful.

    FFS maybe they're happy and successful and wonderful and don't give a damn about the media ideal.

    You can't put a price on that.

    1. Yes it is shocking
      And I'm ashamed that I ever thought that
      But I was very ill at the time
      Of course I don't think like that anymore
      I know that it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things
      Please don't judge me for things I thought when I was extremely unwell....

    2. have read 4 times still can't see comment about a larger person, am i being dumb? sorry,well done on getting back on course x

    3. I removed it as I didn't want any more hate
      I wrote that I judged and pitied over weight people
      And of course I don't think like that now
      I was in the grip of anorexia when I thought these things
      I'm sorry I was honest now

    4. That person was just defending overweight people. There was no hate in it. Weren't they just being honest as well?

    5. Yes of course
      And we are all entitled to our own opinions
      I'm really sorry I wrote this at all
      It was a perception I had when I was extremely ill
      I don't think this way now
      Of course I don't
      And I suppose you are right
      It's not hate
      It's an opinion
      I'm sorry if I offended anyone
      I truly did not mean to

    6. I wrote.the comment
      You do not need to explain yourself. I just meant -- there are a lot worse life than being a bit cuddly. GL with your course.

    7. did you miss the part where she's recovering from an EATING DISORDER ?

  2. You seem to be doing better, I'm glad. I hope the tummy issues have cleared up, and it's good you got back to your course and the horses. You definitely connect with the horses, and I know from experience what good therapy that can be.

    Anxiety is just as big an arsehole as depression and ED's. The constant second guessing and paranoia can make it so hard just to step out your front door every morning. But you're soldiering on. You're stronger than you know. <3

  3. love the pics xjo

  4. I'm glad your tummy's settled down a bit. And it's good to hear you've reached out and are getting more support, especially with Mary and the school counsellor. Anxiety can be a killer, and I think most people underestimate just how severe it can get.

    I'm not feeling Christmasy at all myself this year. I'm not even doing my usual cooking and baking after last year's breakdown that resulted in a raw roast chicken being thrown across the kitchen. That alone feels weird after doing all of the Christmas food stuff myself for some seven or eight years now.



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