Saturday, 10 December 2016

A is for anxiety...

 For the last few weeks 
I've been struggling with crippling anxiety 
It's effecting everything 
My sleep
My mood 
My eating 
My energy levels 
Pretty much everything 
Mornings are my worst time of the day
I wake up 
Start to get ready for school
Then I start thinking
And get in to an argument with myself 
About whether to go in or not 
I feel a sense of dread 
Of impending doom 
Then I get diarrhoea
And I begin to panic 
This week 
I only went in two days 
The other days I stayed home 
I was annoyed with myself for not going in
And am generally being very hard on myself 
I've spoken to my doctor 
And the only suggestion he made was to get up earlier
He just doesn't get it 
He treats the medical issue 
I guess I need to be talking to someone who understands 
Out of sheer desperation 
I put a call out on Facebook
To ask people for ideas, suggestions 
Anything that might help me get through the day
I had a huge response 
And was blown away by how many people reached out 
A few people who I used to use drugs with contacted me 
They had also experienced addiction and mental health issues 
It just goes to show 
The fallout from drug abuse years later 
If I knew then what I know now 
Life would surely look very differently 
But hey 
It is what it is 

I had to make a decision 
Either continue my course and keep trying 
Or cut my losses 
And walk away from it 
Usually now is when I quit 
When things become tough 
But the stubbornness inside me is stopping me 
It would be easier if I didn't love my course so much 
At least then it would a no brainer
And easier to give up
But because I love it so much 
I want to figure out a way of dealing with this 
One way or another 
And look 
I've come through tougher stuff than this
I am truly blessed though 
To have an amazingly strong family around 
And brilliant friends 
Who continue to have my back.
So no
I'm not giving up 
Not just yet 
My tutor rang me yesterday 
To see how things were 
She told me that one of the girls has been exited from the course 
I guess that is a polite way of saying her ass was kicked off the course 
Because she has missed so much time 
I then panicked that the same would happen to me 
But my tutor assured me that because I had kept in close contact with staff
This other girl wasn't answering her phone 
So I got a doctors cert for this week
And I will start again afresh this Monday 
Day by day 
Step by step 
That's the way I'm going to do it 
No pressure 
No stress 
Done is better than perfect 

This month 
I celebrate one year in my recovery from anorexia and bulimia 
This time last year I made the decision to cyhoose life 
Rather than death 
Because that's what living with an ED is like 
It's a slow and tedious death 
As you literally starve yourself to death 
I am one of the lucky ones 
I made it out relatively unscathed 
I made it out alive!
Not everyone does 
This month last year I final had enough  
And started on this journey that we call recovery 
But it didn't have to be the new year 
That's just the way it happened for me 
Really and truly 
You can start your recovery at any time
And day
Any month 
As long as you choose  it at some point 

Ok friends 
I'm going to leave it at that for today
I posted my Christmas cards today 
So you should get them soon
Take care 
And look after each other
See you on the next post... 


  1. Ooh I'm posting mine on Monday!

    All else I have to say...I'm so friggin proud of you every single day. Despite all you face, you carry on. That my friend, is strength, courage bravery, right there, that is a true fighter.

    Keep fighting partner. I'm with you every step of the way xoxo

    1. I popped one in the post for you partner
      Thank you for your kind words
      I am equally proud as punch of you too
      We are fighters me and you
      Made of tough stuff we are x

  2. I am glad you are not giving up or giving in Ruby... I know it's not easy... When I dealt with my emotional breakdown a few years ago, I found it incredibly difficult to get up each morning and force myself to do the simple things such as going to work. I kept thinking how it would be easier to stay home... I pushed myself and made it through... however; I had a doctor that understood and helped me step by step... I hope you find the right person to help you too... you can do this, you have overcome so many trials by not giving up or giving in... love you Ruby xox

  3. Have you thought of talking to you doctor about this? Maybe they could put you on a mild sedative, like clonazepam? Just to take the edge off the anxiety and make it more manageable.

  4. Anxiety is horrible. I remember when I received my initial diagnoses from my first psychiatrist of 'depression and anxiety'. At the time, I didn't see what the big deal with anxiety was. Oh, how wrong I was.

    Could you ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist? You might have more luck with finding appropriate treatment (medical or otherwise) with a specialist. I know a lot of GPs are hesitant to prescribe psychiatric medication.

    Would it be possible to take some leave from your course but return at a later date? I know how much you love it, and while I think you'd regret giving it up, I don't want you to push yourself too hard when you're in such a fragile place.

    I've been terrible and not even done Christmas cards this year. I'm being a total grinch this time :(



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