Friday, 10 November 2017


Another month
Another update
It's strange to think that I used to blog every single day 
Without fail
And given that I had no life to speak of
I don't know what I had to write about 
But as you know 
EDs are all consuming 
You eat or not eat, sleep and breathe it 
It's everything and yet it's nothing 
It seems to be the only important thing 
But when you take a step back 
You can see it for the life sucking, draining vacuum that it is
I don't preach 
And I don't tell people what to do recovery wise
I know everyone has to live their own life 
And let their own story happen 
Heck I was well in to my thirties when I finally began to recover 
I was lucky 
I had the combination of great support and an unwillingness to wither away the way I was 
I have to confess though 
I don't read any ED blogs any more 
I can't
It's too upsetting 
It's too triggering 
I've had to take that step away 
To protect myself 
I hope you understand 
But I am in touch with some of you on FB
And that is so great
There comes a point when your life is at across roads 
You get an opportunity to get well
 I had many 
And threw away many 
As you know I spent a long time in and out of hospital and treatment 
It took me a good few admisssiond to figure out that I do not do well inpatient 
That's ok
We are all individuals 
And we recover in different ways 
What works for me may not work for you
Look at addiction 
For the longest time 
I heard was that I had to go to meetings 
I went to a lot 
But still wasn't getting it
I don't doubt that they work for some 
But not for me 
I still practise the same ethos 
Helping others 
It in my case animals
And that works for me
You just need to find what works for you 
It's not always obvious
It's trial and error
But it's worth it

In other news
I am doing training to start work in the new year 
But I am undecided as to whether I will actually take the job
I have an urge to go back to finish off my horsemanship course
I feel stronger 
I think I might be able to do it now 
But there is something holding me back
During horse riding 
I've been experiencing very low energy and fatigue
And have been pulled off the horse a few times 
My instructor tells me I need to figure out what's going on
And it's killing me that my body is getting in my way of doing what I love
I spoke to my doctor 
Who did blood work
And then started me on B12 vitamins and folic acid 
He also looked at my meds 
And reviewed the fact that I am on three very sedating meds
So he reduced the mirtazapine from 45mg to 30mg
And the methadone from 26mls to 24mls
So hopefully that will make a difference 
My doctor made the point that I used to need all those meds 
Way back when I was very unwell
But I'm doing better now
And so I guess we need to adjust and review
It's good though
It's progress
Moving in the right direction
Part of me would love to stay in my cosy bubble
But look that's not real life

Coco is well
He is quite the social media star now
And has his very own following on various FB groups 
Winter is coming 
And I'm hoping he'll make it through without any issues 
It's almost a year now since we first met 
And he has come on so much 
He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To a happy, cheeky and very social wee fella
He loves my dogs 
Especially Lea 
And follows her every where 
We did have an incident last week
I had Coco out on the lane 
And at one point I unclipped his lead rope 
Usually he follows me 
But instead he turned on his heel 
And started trotting up the lane towards the road the monkey 
I remained calm and called him
Walked after him quickly 
He reached the road and stopped 
I continued to talk to him
And thankfully he didn't go any further 
But Jesus H Christ he gave me a hop
There you go though 
All in a Pony's days work
Really though I have a lovely bond with him now
He's quite the cheeky monkey now 
When he doesn't get treats he walks behind me and nudges me with his head 
Pushing me to give him something 
He's spoiled rotten bless him
My farrier has offered to take him
To put him on a diet 
And to start breaking him in
This is exciting news 
I just hope it happens as I think Coco had so much potential 
I think he'd make a lovely riding pony 
How great would they be?
To actually ride him
That's the dream right there
I'll leave you with a few photos from the last few weeks
Til next time.....