Suicidal Blonde

Last night I pulled out a notebook to do some writing
As I did it fell open on the last page
I saw some writing and when I looked closer I saw that there were messages on it from girls I had been in treatment with
I must have had this notebook with me in there
I've been in treatment twice in the last year
I read the names and the notes of love and encouragement
Immediately memories came flooding back of my time in treatment
Of meeting each other for the first time
Nervously checking each other out
Wondering if the others thoughts you were fat
Having that first awkward conversation
We became firm friends fast
Spent every waking moment together
I remember meeting every morning to go to group
Queueing up to go to lunch (we were always first, why I don't know, you'd think we would have been last)
Having post meal group
Curling our legs under us in an attempt to look smaller
Hanging out in the smoking room chains smoking
Sneaking out if the grounds to go on marathon walks
Shopping for new clothes when our own got too small
Waiting on the chairs in silence in our pyjamas every Monday, Wednesday and Friday waiting to be weighed
We knew by looking at each other whether we had lost or gained
We could read each other like a book
We laughed together
Cried together
Came through it all together
We were girls from every corner  of the country
City girls
Country girls
We were all so different but we were bound by thee common thread of our illness
I never felt as comfortable as I did around these girls



I remember we used to get anxious when we knew that a new girl was coming in
How sick would she be?
How thin would she be?
Will we look fat beside her?
But of course the girls that came in were all different sizes
From emaciated to over weight and everything in between
Sometimes there was competition to be the most ill
Sometimes girls craved attention
Others didn't want any at all
But as a group we stuck together



We came through the wars together
When one was flailing we carried her
When someone cried we held her



When someone left we hoped she'd be ok
But the reality was that the same girls came in time and time again
I've been in there 3 times and have seen the same girls come and go
Like  any addiction relapse is part of the illness


I remember being down in the coffee shop one day
The kids from the adolescent ward were also there
I saw one girl who was very thin and deathly pale
I couldn't stop looking at her and it made me so very sad
All of a sudden it occurred to me that that was what my family saw when they looked at me
Is  that what I look like?
I saw the same girl a couple of months later and she looked great
I hope she's ok

These girls were so beautiful
So talented
Artistic
But they didn't know it
They thought they were unlovable
Worthless
Fat
They came in and out of the revolving door  of treatment
Lose weight
Treatment
Gain weight
Lather, rinse, repeat
People presume that because I've regained some weight this year that I must be well now
But of course this isn't true
They don't know what goes on behind closed doors
They don't know that I purge up to 10 times a day
That every day is a fresh hell
That I am hanging on by my fingertips




I have considered going back in to treatment
The last time I was there they told me  that I only have one more chance to come back
So you see I have to use it wisely
I have to make sure that if I do go back in that I am committed
The last time it took me a year to muster up the courage to ring
One thing always stops me from picking up the phone
The fear of losing my eating disorder
Even though it's driving me insane, I still get incredibly anxious when I think of life without it
If it was taken away what would be left?
A big eating disorder shaped hole?
I suppose what would be left is me and that's exactly what I've been running from all these years
I just don't know anymore
I just don't know

Have you been in treatment or are you thinking of going in?
If you were me would you go back in?

We are family

I'm quite new to the blogosphere
I just started writing my blog in May of this year although I had been a silent lurker for a while
Thankfully I was welcomed with open arms in to this community
And for that I'm so grateful
We have a truly unique community here
For me it's a safe place to go
A place where I can pour my heart out
Where I can bare my soul
It's a place where I can share my darkest secrets


And painful memories
It's somewhere to vent
To get the demons out of my head




It's somewhere where I know I won't be judged

I can also share my joy and happiness here
I receive unwavering support from you girls
You've seen me at my worst and at my best
Geographically we are worlds apart
We may never meet or even speak
But I still consider you all some of my dearest friends




We come from all walks of life
Different ages, races and places
But we are all connected by one common thread
We are eating disordered
We are struggling
We are in pain that is almost impossible to bare
We are a bit lost
We don't know where we are going


We are victims or more like survivors of this illness
We are all at different stages
Some of us have been suffering for a long time
Some are dipping their toe in to recovery
But we are all in this together

In treatment, at meetings, in my life and through this blog I have met some amazing people
People suffering with eating disorders are some of the most beautiful, caring, loving, talented, artistic and sensitive people I have ever met
I think we are hyper sensitive
We feel pain and hurt so very easily
But it also means that we feel compassion and empathy for others
I think about the friends I've made here a lot
I wonder how you are doing
I worry if you are going through a hard time
Sometimes bloggers disappear
One day they are there and the next they are gone
I wonder what happened to them
Did they recover?
Did they get worse?
Dis they go to treatment?
Did they die?

This blog and you girls have literally saved my life over and over again
Reading comments makes my day
I've been shown such unconditional love and support that sometimes it's overwhelming
I don't consider myself a great speaker so writing is ideal for me
And I've discovered a real passion for it




We are all fighting our own personal war
But it's a war that we will win

We are all afraid
But we won't let that stop us

We feel utterly alone
But we have each other

There is a war going on inside our minds
But we will have peace of mind one day

We may feel we are going insane
But that's not true

We believe we are weak
But we are stronger than we know



We are afraid of what the future will bring
But we only have to worry about today

We've forgotten how to laugh
But we will again one day

We are killing ourselves slowly
But we will survive

How has blogging helped you?

Time Travel

Do you ever wish that you could go back in time?
If you could would you change anything?
Sometimes I wonder if I could go back, what advice would I give myself?
I would probably go back to when I was 14 years old
Up until the age of 14 I was a regular girl
I did well in school
I had friends
I studied ballet and was in the local swimming club
I was passionate about both



But things at home weren't great
My father was a drinker and my parents fought a lot
The atmosphere in the house was tense to say the least
My parents were so different
Where he was insecure, she was confident
Where he was a loner, she was a social butterfly
Where he was a control freak, she was a free spirit




I was quite a shy child so when I started secondary school I decided to reinvent myself
I created an alter ego who was confident, out going and gregarious
I quickly made new friends and began to enjoy a new life
But I took it too far
I started to get in to trouble at school
I took up smoking and drinking and started sneaking out to night clubs
I became interested in boys
Now the only things that mattered to me were hanging out with my friends, impressing boys and trying to be 'cool'
I lost interest in my hobbies and gave up my beloved ballet
Then I left the swimming club
I spent less and less time at home
For the next 4 years I got in to more and more trouble
I began dabbling in drugs
I didn't care about anything, least of all myself
I remember the last day of school
I walked out the gate expecting to feel amazing
It was a huge anticlimax
Instead I felt totally overwhelmed
What do I do now?
I felt so lost






I fell in to the first job that came my way
At the age of 18 I became addicted to heroin
The next 6 years were spent on the merry-go-round that is addiction
Drugs, methadone, treatment
Lather, rinse, repeat
All the while my eating disorder was silently developing and I've been struggling with it ever since




So what advice would I give my 14 years old self?
First I would tell myself to be myself
Get to know myself, find out what makes me tick and not to be ashamed of who I am
I used to have a habit of changing my personality to who ever I was with
I even used to change my accent
I would tell myself to be proud of who I am and where I come from
That I don't have to be like everyone else
That being different is ok
Being different is interesting
It is our quirks and foibles that make us who we are and make us stand out
Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same?




If I could go back I would tell myself not to give up ballet and swimming, that I would bitterly regret giving then up
I would tell myself to get a good education
To go to college
To find something I love and be really good at it
I would tell myself to enjoy being a teenager, that I don't need to be in a hurry to grow up
To enjoy being responsibility free and carefree
That I will be an  adult for long enough
To wait until I was older before I started drinking and going to nightclubs
I would definitely tell myself not to start smoking


I'm not sure if I would tell myself not to do drugs
That experience has made me who I am today

I would tell myself not to worry about my appearance so much
That I am perfect just the way I am
To wait before I had sex for the first time
To wait until I was with someone I loved and trusted
As regards my eating disorder I would definitely tell myself not to start purging
That it would ruin my life
But I don't know if I can tell myself anything else because it was not something I chose, it chose me
Maybe not to let the number on a scale have so much power over me
I would tell myself not to start shoplifting
That it would be so hard to stop once I had started
I would tell myself to believe in myself



To believe that I can achieve my hopes and dreams
That I am capable and strong
That there will be hard times but I will get through them
I would tell myself to tell the people I love that I love them
To show them I love them
I would tell myself that I am unique
That there will never be another Ruby again
To push myself out of my comfort zone
To do things that scare and not to let fear and anxiety hold me back
And above all to never give up




If you could go back in time what advice would you give yourself?

You know you have a problem when......

You know you have a problem when you wake up in the morning and count the hours until it's time for bed again

When you spend more time with your dogs than you do with real people

You know you have a problem when your parents are afraid to leave you on your own

When number on the scale can send you spiralling in to a black hole of depression

When you look down and see there is vomit on your clothes

You know you have a problem when the number on the scale can send you sky rocketing in to euphoria

When  you are driving so fast you hope you will crash

When there is a constant war going on inside your head

You know you're losing it when you have a path worn between your kitchen and your bathroom



When you barely leave the house

When you feel like an emotional yo-yo

You know you are in danger when you're saving up your meds

When purging feels as natural as breathing

When you feel like you are broken beyond repair

You know you are sick when you enjoy the sound your stomach rumbling



When you wake up in the night because you are so hungry

When your thoughts are consumed with weights, food and numbers





You know you have a problem when you can't cry

When you can't remember the last time you laughed

You know something's wrong when you avoid your favourite foods

When you panic because you can't exercise

When sleep is the only peace of mind you get


You know you are getting worse when you push all your friends away

When you think about vanishing every day

When your sister won't let you babysit your nephew

It's a reflection of your state of mind when you have to psych yourself up to have a shower

When the number on the scale dictates your mood, self worth and self esteem




When you avoid the mirror at all costs




When you feel like you are dying inside

You know you are losing it when you feel so alone

When 12 years later you are still in the midst of this illness

When nothing else matters

When the future is too scary to think about

When you have a passive death wish

You know you have a problem when all your hopes and dreams have been dashed

When you feel like your thoughts are killing you

When numbers impact you more than words

When your afraid to have friends because you'll just let them down

When life scares you more than death

You know things are not right when you just want to walk out your front door and never come back

When losing weight is the only thing that matters

When you feel like you are going insane

When you have to make yourself think of reasons not to overdose



When you're lying to yourself everyday

When you're losing the will to live


                                                                -

You know you have a glimmer of hope when you won't let any of this stop you from getting well

You know you're going to be ok when you remember you have people around you who love you



When you look back over the last year and see how far you've come

When you wake up and think 'I can do this, just for today'

You know you can get well when you remember that you are stronger than your eating disorder

When you look in the mirror and don't hate what you see



When you remember that you are not a bad person and are in fact a good person

When you realise you have new hopes and dreams



You know you are winning the battle when the voice in your head is just a whisper now

When you do the opposite of what your eating disorder wants

When you wake up and think 'I don't want to die today'

'The Law of the Land'

Savita

Some of you may have heard of the case of Savita Halappanavar
I've been following the story for the past few days and felt compelled to write about it

Savita (31) and her husband Praveen (34) moved from their native India to Ireland in 2008
They settled in Galway in the west of Ireland
He was an engineer and she was a dentist
They had laid down firm roots

Savita fell pregnant but on the 21st of October at 17 weeks pregnant, she presented as Universtiy College Hospital complaining of back pain
The couple were told that the baby would not survive the pregnancy and her cervix was already dilating and she would miscarry
Savita was sent home and told that she would miscarry within a few hours
At home her condition deteriorated and Savita and her husband returned to the hospital to ask for an abortion
They were told that  this was impossible as the is a 'catholic country' and it is the 'law of the land' where abortion is illegal unless the mothers life is in danger, including threat of suicide
And because the doctors could still detect a foetal hearbeat they refused to preform an abortion
Again Savita was sent home
For the next  3 days she was in agony as her body tried to miscarry the baby
It wasn't until October 24th that the foetus was removed
During the miscarraige Savita contracted an infection and  she died from septicaemia on October 28th

Since the story broke there has been an outcry in this country
The law regarding abortion here is a very grey area
A legal limbo
It is illegal and an abortion can only be preformed if the life of  the mother is in danger
If a foetal heartbeat is detected, they wait until the heart stops beating until the preform the abortion
Abortion has been a hot button topic in this country for years but no concrete legislation has ever been drawn up
It is tragic that it has taken a woman's death to highlight this issue
My own opinion is that cases should be treated individually
Everyone's case is different and unique and therefore every case needs an individual solution
20 years ago our country dealt with a case called the 'Miss X case'
'Miss X' was a 13 year old girl who became pregnant after she was raped
Understandably she wanted to have an abortion
The arguments went on for weeks and she was eventually given permission to travel to England for an abortion
But only because she threatened to commit suicide

The government in this country have avoided this issue for far too long
They need to lay down a law once and for all
A clear concise law
Personally I think it's the woman's right to choose
And most definitely if the mothers life is at risk, then isn't it common sense to preform an abortion
Damage limitation as it were
I've been listening to phone in shows on the radio about Savita's case
Woman after woman ringing in to share their experiences
I think abortion affects all woman as it is something we may possibly have to deal with some day

When I was in school my best friend fell pregnant
She was 14 years old
She had been going out with her boyfriend for a few months and he was the first person that she had sex with
I remember when we were walking to school in the mornings, she started to feel really sick
She was throwing up in the bushes
We suspected the worst and it was confirmed when she took a pregnancy test
We were 14, still children and didn't know what to do
We didn't tell anyone at first even though she was sick a lot
I remember seeing her one morning and she looked awful
Her face was bloated, her eyes were puffy from crying and she looked so tired
We decided to tell my mother first
But in fact she had already suspected that she was pregnant
I'm sure my mother was thankful that it wasn't me
She encouraged us to tell my friends mother
I'll never forget that day
Her mother freaked out to say the least
Her 3 older brothers came to the house and were extremely angry
Phonecalls were made and flights were booked to England
My friend had no say in the matter
Her mother made the decision for her
I remember the day before she left for England
I wrote her a letter to read on the plane
She was terrified
In school the rumours started
I defended my friend and tried to dispel them
But everyone knew that she was pregnant
My friend didn't tell me much about England
I think she just wanted to forget about it
Her life would have been so different if she had kept the baby
And what sort of life would the baby have had?
A difficult one I'm sure
I think it was the right thing to do in my friends case
Today she has a great life
Today that baby would be almost a teenager

What are your thoughts on abortion?