ED

It seems that I am writing less and less about my ED
I think that is a good sign
It's a sign that it's not in the forefront of my mind
It's not and urgent and pressing issue
Don't get me wrong
It's still in my life
Bulimia is proving to be very stubborn
But things are 100 times better than they were
Even my perception of weight has changed
I used to crave skinny
Sharp edges and pointy bones
But now I can see that for what it is
A very ill body
And a very sick mind
Now I want to be fit and healthy
More than I want to be skinny

I don't know if I can say I am comfortable with my body at the moment
I am a bit heavier than I would like to be
But isn't that always the way
I thought I could lose some when I was severely underweight
So go figure

They say you should count your blessings slowly
And one at a time
I have a lot o be grateful for
I've come through drug and alcohol addiction
And my ED relatively unscathed
Not  lot of people can say that I would imagine
Sometimes I wonder why my family has been given so much hardship?
Why have we had to suffer so much?
Why does it seem that some people have it so easy?
But I guess it is all relative
My family have come out other side stronger and closer than ever
So there is a silver lining to all this

I think the question now is
Where do I go from here?
If I don't write about my ED or addiction
Then what the hell do I write about?
I only really started writing two and a half years ago
When I started this blog
And 95% of this blog has been about my ED or my addiction
Because that was all I knew
That was my life
Even if I wanted to write about something else
I just couldn't
I couldn't write about love
Or death
Or mystery
Because I hadn't experienced them
Because my ED took up every waking moment
I knew it so well
And I could write about it because I knew it so intimately
I genuinely couldn't think of any thing else to write about

But now my world is expanding
I am experiencing new things every day
I don't know if they make for as compelling reading as my ED
But it's important for me to know that I am not a one  trick pony
That I can write about other things
Probably the greatest kick I get out of writing
Is writing  funny or sarcastic pieces
I guess it is debatable as to whether they are actually funny
My sense of humour is an acquired taste
But still
I like to write them

They say you should write what you know
Well
I know drugs
I know alcohol
I know anorexia
I know bulimia
Correction
I knew them
Now it's time to know something else
To live
To love
To travel
To sing
To write
To feel
To dance
To walk
To run
To find
To keep
To laugh
To cry
To scream
To live life on my terms

Anorexia you don't control me any more
You can't manipulate me
You can't trick me
You can't catch me in your web of lies and deceit
I am stronger than you now
I know you too well
To let you trap me again
I knew it would be hard to get you out of my life
It was
The hardest thing I have ever done
But it was worth it
It was worth it a million times over

If you are struggling today
If you can't find a reason to get out of bed
If you can't find a reason to go on
If you feel that there is no hope
If you have lost all faith
And belief
If you are thinking about disappearing
Please know this
You are stronger than you ever thought possible
You are more beautiful than you ever imagined
You are thinner than the mirror shows
You are prettier than you see
You are more capable than you think
You are more caring and loving than you let show
You are smarter than you know
I promise you that

Anorexia/bulimia fill our heads with lies
They whisper in our ears until we don't know what is real any more
I know that I have questioned my sanity many times over the years
And feared that I was losing my mind along with all of the weight
This is why it's so f**king hard to break free
Because our ED has warped our mind so much
We don' know what is real any more
We live in a strange parallel universe
Where everything is topsy turvy
This is why that first step out of ED is so important
When the professionals finally got my meds right
The fog of depression I was living in lifted
And I felt  I could see straight for the first time in years
When we are starved
We can't see a way out
It's terrifying
But I promise you it is possible
I know that I have still a mountain to climb in terms of getting well
But I would rather climb this mountain bare foot and in a bikini
Rather than go back to the way things were
Of that I have no doubt

So if you are reading this today
This is a reminder never to give up
Never stop believing that things can improve
They can
And they will
I promise you that

Video

I spent about 10 hours yesterday fiddling around with my new phone
And I am still none the wiser
Only that my sister is something of a tech-expert
Have I managed to use it at all
Setting up all my passwords was bit of an ordeal
My sister was getting a great laugh out of watching me trying to get the hang of it
She also took a video of me
Of which I was only half aware of
If you listen carefully you will hear my sister call me by my real name
So to give you a laugh
I am going to share it with you
Yes, I am a technophobe
Yes, I come across completely stupid
But bear in mind this is my first iphone
Anyway
Here it is
I hope it gives you a giggle....

iphone

So today was the day
I finally got my iphone
My sister and I ventured in to town early this morning
And picked it up
Along with a cover
It cost more than I thought it would
But my sister assures me that it will be worth it
Here are some photos from the day....

This was part of an exhibition we went to see

Light installation

Tuesday

My sister and I got up early this morning
And brought Honey and Lea for a walk down by the sea
On the way I had to stop at the garage
And we saw this cute little dog in the back of a pick up
He was tied up
And he was shivering
The poor little guy
Here he is

Heroin

I watched a documentary last night called The Moment of Truth
I was about an Irish man called Alan
Who was a former heroin addict who had been homeless for many years
He grew up in Dublin with his Mother and her partner
When he was a teenager he became involved in the rave scene
He stared experimenting with drugs
First cannabis
Then ecstacy
And when he was 17 he tried heroin for the first time
He was instantly hooked
He described that first feeling her felt when he took he drug
Like feeling he was 'wrapped in cotton wool'
I think that is such an accurate way to describe it
Around this time he started seeing a girl called Orla
But as Alan's addiction escalated
The relationship dissolved
His Mum was interviewed also
She described he moment when she had to use tough love
And refused to let him stay in her house anymore
Alan was homeless for many years
Begging on the streets
A slave to the drug
Orla still kept in touch with him
She described how she used to search he streets for him
But she couldn't be with him while he was so deep in his addiction

It was while he was on the streets that Alan met a man who changed his life
This man was a christian and used to stop and talk to Alan
And told him that God could save him
At first Alan was sceptical
How could God save him?
But the man continued to visit Alan
He told him that he could help me get in to a treatment center in the UK
A christian rehabilitation center
Alan agreed to go
His Mother and Orla helped him gather the fare to Wales
He described how on he morning of his departure
His Mother gave him money to buy heroin
As she knew he wouldn't get on the plane if he didn't have drugs
This really hit a nerve with me
As there have been many time in my life when my Mother gave me money to buy drugs
And even drove me to get drugs
As she couldn't bear to see me in withdrawal

Alan stayed in the christian center in Wales for some time
While there he had a vision of Jesus Christ
And Jesus said three words to him

I

Love

You

Alan said after that everything changed
He finished his time in the center
And hen began studying to become a pastor
He completely turned his life around
And now helps other struggling addicts
A really nice end to the story was that he got back together with Orla
They got married
And had two children
I was so delighted that the story had a happy ending
So many stories don't

My Mother and sister also watched he documentary
And it gave rise to a discussion about my drug use
My sister is quite sceptical about anything to do with religion
But my Mother said that his experience was real to him
And we should respect that
She is right
What ever works right?
I said that I thought it was great that Alan found God and recovered
That was his path
But what if you don't find God?
What if you don't have a God in your life?
What then?
Can I still recover if I don't have a God in my life?
My Mother pointed out that God could be anything
Something similar to what they tell you in AA
I think this is a good point
As I have things in my life that help me greatly
Like my dogs
My writing
My swimming
And I have great faith in those things

My Mum and I talked for a while about my using days
The time we went away for Christmas and I went in to severe withdrawal
And had to search for a doctor to get some meds
I can remember that time
I actually thought that I was going to die
I look at photos of that Christmas and I look like the living dead
Or the time I stayed in my Grandad's house
And again went in to withdrawal
Another nightmare
Or the time she locked herself in her bedroom because I had completely lost the plot and she was afraid of me
She was actually afraid of me
That in itself is so sad

My Mum commented that she probably doesn't know the half of what went on when I was using
And she is right
I myself can't bring myself to talk or even think about what went on during that time
I often say that there are times when  I can't remember if an even actually happened
Or if I dreamed it
There is one even that often pops in to my head
I can't remember how
But I met a guy on the street
We used together
And I went back to his flat with him
At some point I overdosed
And this guy stayed with me until I came to
I remember he put me in the shower to help wake me up
And made me tea and toast
He let me stay in his flat for a couple of days
And was nothing but kind to me
I went home a few days  later
But kept in touch by phone
I was so grateful to him
For taking care of me
And for not taking advantage of me
The next time I was back in Dublin
I went to the street where his flat was
I rang the bell
A girl answered
I asked for the guy
She said no one of that name lived there
And never had
I was so confused
And started to question my own sanity
I never heard from that guy again
I don't know if he ever existed in the first place

My Mum described to me how awful I used to look when I was using
She used the words 'down and out'
I was scarily skinny
Big dark circles under my eyes
Hunched over
Taking care of yourself just isn't a priority when you are strung out

I saw my doctor this morning
And was telling him that I am 15 weeks off cigarettes today
He said that was fantastic
And that I am doing well 'on all fronts'
My Mother and I continued our discussion as we walked the dogs
We talked about my old town
And how now it is flooded with drugs
And how we never thought we would end up in this town
My Mother told me how moving here was very hard on her
That was the first time I heard her say that
Because while my using was going on
She was separating from my Dad
At the time I had no concept of what she was going through
I was so blinkered my addiction

We also talked about methadone
How when I first went on it at  19
I was the only person in my town on it
I had to travel to Dublin every week to get my script
And how I hated going in to chemist
I actually had a go at the pharmacist one day
Because I thought she was looking down on me
Of course she wasn't
She was actually very good to me
My thinking was just so warped

This all seems like a life time ago
I am clean and sober a few years now
Some times I still get intense cravings
Sometimes I fear that I will use again
Sometimes that life looks attractive
But in reality it was a living hell
It was a race to not be sick
And I was always playing catch up

Alan said that even in his darkest days
He was never a hard man
The way some people are hardened and more equipped to handle themselves
I was never like that either
I was a young country girl
In the big city
I was so vulnerable
And people could and  often did take advantage of me
Even though I have been through a lot
I am at heart a big softie
And have an innocent face
So I was a prime target

I am so grateful to be clean and sober today
I am so relieved for myself
But also for my family
Who lived through it with me
Especially my Mother
Who saw it all
But we've come out the other side
And as my Mother always says
Given what this family has been through
We are not doing to badly

iphone

I an so excited
Wednesday
This Wednesday
As in three days away
I am getting my first
Yes, my first
iphone
I know
I know
I  have been living in the dark ages for some time now with my little Nokia Asha 302
I have been getting by with just calls, texts and emails
No internet
Oh yes
I have been one of those people who looks at someone engrossed in their phone
And wondering what the hell could be holding their attention for so long
Soon I will know
Soon I will be privy to that information
I am expecting great things

My sister has an iphone
I would say she spends 23 hours a day looking at it
It is permanently attached to her hand
While she is talking
Watching tv
Eating
Cooking
Her phone is her constant companion
I ask her at least 3 times a day
'What are you looking at?'
Sometimes she replies
Sometimes she is so engrossed that my voice doesn't even register
Sometimes I look over her shoulder to see what is engaging her so
It is always some random thing
Like the weather
Or sites selling antique books
Or cats falling off chairs
Soon all of these delights will just be a click away for me
I can't wait to waste time scouring the internet for anything and everything that comes to my mind
Oh yes
Me and my new iphone will bond quickly
And form a relationship that knows no bounds
I may even name her
We will be BFFs forever
And ever
And ever

Of course I will have to say goodbye to my little nokia
I knew our relationship was doomed when I was in hospital last year
And I saw a 70 year old man with the same phone as me
After that
Well
I couldn't take my phone out with out feeling  a frisson of embarrassment
Like a jumper that your granny knit you
You feel that you have to wear it
But do so begrudgingly
This is how I feel about my phone
A reluctant sense of loyalty

But I hung on to my phone
Because there was no reason to get rid of it
It worked perfectly well
And never having had the internet on my phone
I didn't know what I was missing
So we muddled along
Me and my Nokia
Pretending that we were willing partners in this thing
To its face I was perfectly pleasant
But when it wasn't around I bitched and moaned about him incessantly

And then
The straw that broke the phones service
My email
My precious email
All three accounts were suddenly cut off
Send in the horse men
The apocalypse is a comin'
I was distraught
No email meant that when I was away from my laptop
I was constantly worried about the potential emails that lay unread in my inbox
It was all I could think about
The people trying to contact me
The comments from my blog I had no access to
It was a nightmare

I brought the failing phone in to my service provider
There, a young greasy guy, chewing gum told me without even looking at my phone
That he couldn't help me
I asked him politely if he would at least check the phone
He did
And repeated that he had no idea what was wrong
I despaired

I turned around and looked at all the shiny new phones on the wall
They all boasted cool and exciting features
I felt drunk desire
The possibilities were endless
The world would be at my finger tips
It would be criminal not to at least ask about these phones
I turned back to my friend
'How much is an iphone?' I asked
He handed me a leaflet with various plans on it
He obviously couldn't be bothered to tell me when it was all written there for me
I scanned the page
My eyes settled on the iphone 4
At 35Euros a month
I asked some questions
He was mostly unhelpful
I wasn't getting anywhere with this guy
So I left with my leaflet
My Nokia was safe
For now

I was pretty pleased with myself that I hadn't been my usual impulsive self
And got the iphone right there and then
I practised restraint
And decided to think it over
And now
A little over 24 hours later
I have decided that I will
No
I must
Have one
And Wednesday is the day
Hello 21st century
Here I come........

Strand Hill, November 2014

My Mum, my sister and I spent a lovely day in town yesterday
We went for breakfast
Hit the shops
Where I bought pyjamas and leggings
Then we went to Strand Hill for a spot of lunch
My Mum had a BLT with tea
My sister went for the burger
And I had a beef Hot Pot
Which was lip smacking good
We had a lovely lovely day
Even though on the way home
Smoke started billowing from the engine
And we had to pull over and escape from the car
Luckily we were near my other sisters house
So she came and rescued us
And the AA came and saved the car
(Not Alcoholics Anonymous
The Automobile Association)
Here are some photos from the day......

Add caption

obligatory selfie

Wearing my sisters new hat, it may be a bit big for me

Concentration

Happy  girl