I'm blogging today so you can tell that I didn't go to Dublin
I wanted to go I really did, it's my own fault for taking those pesky diet pills, they left me feeling so sick that I just couldn't travel
I've taken them 3 days in a row including today, I must be a glutton for punishment because they make me feel so sick but they give me a break from the binging and purging and it's so nice to be off that merry-go-round
I hope to go the next time they meet up in a month
Someone commented on my blog yesterday that I write a lot about the past. It's true I do write about the past quite often. I guess it's because I'm trying to make sense of it. Writing about it helps to get it out of my head where it's taking up space.
I write quite a bit about my drug using days as a lot of the time it feels like that all happened to somebody else in another lifetime.
Writing about it is cathartic for me
They also said I should not let the past weigh me down
I do try not to let the past define me but it has definitely shaped the person I am today
Writing about that family yesterday brought up a lot of memories for me
For a lot of the time I was using I lived with my boyfriend and on and off over the years we lived with my boyfriends uncle
His uncle was paralysed from the waist down from a car crash he had been in years before and myself and my boyfriend would stay with him and help him out
He was a horrible man and I never liked him
He was in his forties and was seeing a girl who was only a teenager
I'm pretty sure she was using him for his money, not that he had much but he used to give her some
His uncle used to let us borrow his car and we were stopped by the police one night and my boyfriend was done for possession
He was sent to jail in the days after
Before he went he told me to bring drugs to him when I visited
So me and his uncle went to visit him one day
I had a condom full of heroin in my mouth ready to pass to my boyfriend in a kiss
We drove to the prison and I put his uncles wheelchair together and helped him into it
We waited in the waiting room until it was time to go to the visitors area
This was my first time in a prison and was very nervous seeing as I had a mouthful of drugs
A guard brought us and the other visitors up to the visitors room
I was pushing the wheelchair and we were going down a slope, I lost concentration for a moment and let go of the handles of the wheel chair, his uncle slid out of the wheelchair and on to the ground
Everyone turned around to look at us
Talk about drawing attention to myself
The drugs nearly fell out of my mouth as I said fuuuuuuuck
We had to wait for another guard to come as he lay in a heap on the ground
He wasn't hurt but I was mortified
I had been trying to act all cool and calm but my nerves got the better of me
They eventually got him back in to the chair and we went about our business
I successfully passed the drugs to my boyfriend but I just wanted to get the hell out of there
We were able to laugh about it afterwards but I don't think his uncle ever forgave me
I went for a walk with my mother and my dogs this morning
She commented that she thought I had lost weight in the last couple of weeks and that my clothes were hanging off me
I thought they felt looser too but figured I was imagining it
I was secretly delighted
Maybe I will weigh this weekend and share the number with you
I haven't posted my weight in a long time
I wanted to wait until I was safely back in double digits
Here's hoping
She was also talking about yesterday when my sister and nephew were down in our house
She said she caught an expression on my face at one point when I was looking at my nephew and she didn't know if it was jealousy or resentment
I was surprised by this, yes I admit I have a resentment against my sister but I try to separate my issues with her from my nephew
I'm obviously not doing a very good job of it
My mother said I was acting like they'd outstayed their welcome
But I had been playing table tennis with him for ages and I might have been a bit quiet because I felt sick not because I wanted them to leave
Yes I do find it hard to be around my sister but I'm trying not to let that affect my relationship with my nephew
My sister doesn't allow me to babysit him because I am 'sick' and that hurts me more than I let on
I act like I don't like my sister because I see in her all the things I don't like about myself
It's like looking in a mirror
I realise I need to get over this resentment incase it affects my relationship with my nephew
It pains me to admit it but maybe I am jealous of him
After all I was the baby of the family until he came along
I need to build a bridge and get over it
For everyone's sake
Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love xxx
Oh Persephone Paix, I can't get into your blog can you post a link?
Saturday 23 June 2012
Friday 22 June 2012
Insanity
As predicted I was sorry I took the diet pills
I always am
I took 3 throughout the day, not because I needed them, because I've always been greedy when it comes to drugs and pills. If the label says take 1, I don't believe it and take 3
Stupid I know
They did what I wanted them to do, stop the binging and purging in it's tracks but the side effects are nasty, nausea, lightheadedness and just generally feeling horrible
By the time my mother came home last night I was pretty wired
I tried not to talk too much as I knew I would start spouting rubbish
I wanted to come down so I asked my mother for one of my anxiety pills which she gave me
I went to bed and by now I was feeling really bad
I lay with the covers over my head praying for the sweet release of sleep
The ridiculous thing is I will forget how bad I felt and take them again
Remember Ruby, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
All I ate was tea and toast yesterday, my appetite is still gone today
I remember getting ephedrine off the internet, the bottle said take 1 3 times a day
I took 12 at once
I thought I was going to die that weekend
I never learn
I was chatting with my mother last night and I'm not sure how it came up but she asked me about a couple I used to hang around with. She wanted to know if I knew how they were.
This couple I used to hang around with when I was on drugs.
They were an English couple, from Manchester I think
They were heavy heroin users and were a lot older than me but I ended up falling in with them when I started using
At the time I wasn't really aware but thinking back the situation was really messed up
They had 3 small children, all boys, at the time aged about 3, 6 and 9
I used to babysit them and sometimes pick them up from school
My sister was in treatment around this time and I used to bring my nephew, 3 at the time, up to their house and he would play with the children upstairs while I injected heroin with their parents in the kitchen
Their house was in a really rough area and the house itself was a mess and very rundown
The children weren't being cared for properly, they were always dirty and their clothes were ragged
I remember their pale, gaunt faces and that haunts me now
While we shot drugs in the kitchen, if one of kids tried to come in they were roared at to get the fuck out.
They were just kids
They youngest boy was the same age as my nephew but they couldn't have been more different
My nephew was plump, well fed and could speak well
The other boy was so skinny, white as snow and was not yet speaking
Thinking back he was extremely under developed
I was very fond of him and played with him and showed him affection
It was the only time I saw him smile
Social workers weren't involved as far as I know but my mother told me last night that she had reported the family as she felt the children were as risk
I hadn't thought about this family an ages but last night I couldn't get them out of my head
I wondered how the children are now, they would be aged about 10, 13 and 15
It's hard to imagine them that age, I still think of them as babies
I guess what I'm feeling is guilt
Guilt that I put those children at risk, that I contributed to the chaos in their home
Home should have been their safe place, instead it was a drug den
No doubt the parents are still using if they are not dead by now
I hope and pray the children don't follow in their footsteps
I remember the oldests communion
They asked my boyfriend to be his godfather
It was meant to his special day but we all went to Dublin to get drugs
I wonder where they all are now
I also feel guilt for bringing my nephew into that house
I didn't see the harm at the time but anything could have happened
If my sister knew she would kill me
I just hope those kids are ok
I think back to my using days and I wonder how I got through it relatively unscathed
I was one of the lucky ones, I walked away from the place and the people and started fresh in a new town. If I hadn't had that opportunity I might still be using
At the time I thought that life was exciting and dangerous and thrilling, glamorous even
The reality couldn't be further from the truth
From time to time I hear that someone I used to know had overdosed and died
I was definitely one of the lucky ones
There but for the grace of God go I
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
I always am
I took 3 throughout the day, not because I needed them, because I've always been greedy when it comes to drugs and pills. If the label says take 1, I don't believe it and take 3
Stupid I know
They did what I wanted them to do, stop the binging and purging in it's tracks but the side effects are nasty, nausea, lightheadedness and just generally feeling horrible
By the time my mother came home last night I was pretty wired
I tried not to talk too much as I knew I would start spouting rubbish
I wanted to come down so I asked my mother for one of my anxiety pills which she gave me
I went to bed and by now I was feeling really bad
I lay with the covers over my head praying for the sweet release of sleep
The ridiculous thing is I will forget how bad I felt and take them again
Remember Ruby, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
All I ate was tea and toast yesterday, my appetite is still gone today
I remember getting ephedrine off the internet, the bottle said take 1 3 times a day
I took 12 at once
I thought I was going to die that weekend
I never learn
I was chatting with my mother last night and I'm not sure how it came up but she asked me about a couple I used to hang around with. She wanted to know if I knew how they were.
This couple I used to hang around with when I was on drugs.
They were an English couple, from Manchester I think
They were heavy heroin users and were a lot older than me but I ended up falling in with them when I started using
At the time I wasn't really aware but thinking back the situation was really messed up
They had 3 small children, all boys, at the time aged about 3, 6 and 9
I used to babysit them and sometimes pick them up from school
My sister was in treatment around this time and I used to bring my nephew, 3 at the time, up to their house and he would play with the children upstairs while I injected heroin with their parents in the kitchen
Their house was in a really rough area and the house itself was a mess and very rundown
The children weren't being cared for properly, they were always dirty and their clothes were ragged
I remember their pale, gaunt faces and that haunts me now
While we shot drugs in the kitchen, if one of kids tried to come in they were roared at to get the fuck out.
They were just kids
They youngest boy was the same age as my nephew but they couldn't have been more different
My nephew was plump, well fed and could speak well
The other boy was so skinny, white as snow and was not yet speaking
Thinking back he was extremely under developed
I was very fond of him and played with him and showed him affection
It was the only time I saw him smile
Social workers weren't involved as far as I know but my mother told me last night that she had reported the family as she felt the children were as risk
I hadn't thought about this family an ages but last night I couldn't get them out of my head
I wondered how the children are now, they would be aged about 10, 13 and 15
It's hard to imagine them that age, I still think of them as babies
I guess what I'm feeling is guilt
Guilt that I put those children at risk, that I contributed to the chaos in their home
Home should have been their safe place, instead it was a drug den
No doubt the parents are still using if they are not dead by now
I hope and pray the children don't follow in their footsteps
I remember the oldests communion
They asked my boyfriend to be his godfather
It was meant to his special day but we all went to Dublin to get drugs
I wonder where they all are now
I also feel guilt for bringing my nephew into that house
I didn't see the harm at the time but anything could have happened
If my sister knew she would kill me
I just hope those kids are ok
I think back to my using days and I wonder how I got through it relatively unscathed
I was one of the lucky ones, I walked away from the place and the people and started fresh in a new town. If I hadn't had that opportunity I might still be using
At the time I thought that life was exciting and dangerous and thrilling, glamorous even
The reality couldn't be further from the truth
From time to time I hear that someone I used to know had overdosed and died
I was definitely one of the lucky ones
There but for the grace of God go I
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
Thursday 21 June 2012
Raining cats and dogs
It's pouring from the heavens here this morning.
One of my dogs just flat refused to go beyond the back door.
I was trying to entice her in to my car but she is too clever for me, she just got straight back in to her bed and cuddled up while me and my other dog braved the driving rain.
I don't blame her though, I would have gladly gone back to bed myself this morning.
I'm dying to know what my weight is.
I haven't been weighed since Mary weighed me last week.
I could easily do it right now but I'm so afraid I've gained and I just can't handle that today.
I think I'll wait until Mary comes back next week.
When she told me she was taking a week of so I wouldn't see her for 2 weeks, I thought to myself ooh I wonder how much I can lose in 2 weeks. I have sick fantasies of her saying to me 'Ruby you've lost weight since I saw you last' and her weighing me and being shocked at my weight loss.
I know that is very twisted but that's the way my mind is working today.
I've been on my own in the house for 3 days now so the binging and purging has been out of control.
It's binge city around here.
Population me.
So I've decided to put a stop to it today.
I didn't buy/steal any binge food and there's none in the house (I've eaten it all)
I also popped a diet pill just now.
I only use these pills as a very last resort as they make me feel quite sick but they are one of the only things that stop the binging and purging in it's tracks so I'm willing to put up with a queasy tummy.
This behaviour is all very messed up and I realize that.
I just want a break from bulimia.
She is wearing me down and I can't do it anymore
Anorexia is not much better but it's the lesser of two evils today.
My support group is on this evening.
My mother called yesterday to ask if I was going.
I want to, I really want to but I already know I won't go.
Going means I'm choosing recovery and I don't know if I'm ready.
I want to want recovery if that makes sense but I'm just not there yet.
I suppose if I waited until I was ready I would never go but if I go back to this group I want to be 100% committed and I know I'm not.
Pride is also stopping me, I don't want to have to admit I fucked up again, I don't want to admit that I need help even though I so clearly do.
I was one of the people who set up this particular group and then I abandoned it.
I have huge guilt over this.
Do any of you go to a support group?
By the way the group I'm talking about is Narcotics Anonymous.
Also I'm supposed to be going to Dublin this Saturday to meet up with my treatment friends and stay the night with one of them.
I'm in 2 minds whether to go or not.
I would love to see them and spend time with them but my eating disorder does not want to go.
What will I eat?
What if I need to purge?
How will I handle being away over night what with my binging and everything?
As much as I don't like to admit it, I don't want them to see I've gained weight.
The last time they say me was in hospital when my weight was lower.
It's weird but now I've been given the diagnosis of anorexia I feel I have to live up to this label.
I know my friends don't judge me because of my weight but I judge myself.
I think people often think because you've gained some weight that you must be better but I'm not better, if anything I'm worse.
I can feel the diet pill kicking in now, I feel a bit light headed and speedy, they are strong.
So I'd love to know what you think, if you were me would you go to Dublin?
And also how do you deal with travelling with your eating disorder?
Someone suggested to me that I leave it at home but how I wish it were that simple
I'm afraid where I go it goes too
This is why I don't venture far from my house, I don't really feel comfortable eating anywhere else so I don't travel too far.
This is another negative of my eating disorder.
Ok I'm going to go before I go off on a drug induced tangent and make absolutely no sense.
I'd love to hear what you think about Dublin.
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
One of my dogs just flat refused to go beyond the back door.
I was trying to entice her in to my car but she is too clever for me, she just got straight back in to her bed and cuddled up while me and my other dog braved the driving rain.
I don't blame her though, I would have gladly gone back to bed myself this morning.
I'm dying to know what my weight is.
I haven't been weighed since Mary weighed me last week.
I could easily do it right now but I'm so afraid I've gained and I just can't handle that today.
I think I'll wait until Mary comes back next week.
When she told me she was taking a week of so I wouldn't see her for 2 weeks, I thought to myself ooh I wonder how much I can lose in 2 weeks. I have sick fantasies of her saying to me 'Ruby you've lost weight since I saw you last' and her weighing me and being shocked at my weight loss.
I know that is very twisted but that's the way my mind is working today.
I've been on my own in the house for 3 days now so the binging and purging has been out of control.
It's binge city around here.
Population me.
So I've decided to put a stop to it today.
I didn't buy/steal any binge food and there's none in the house (I've eaten it all)
I also popped a diet pill just now.
I only use these pills as a very last resort as they make me feel quite sick but they are one of the only things that stop the binging and purging in it's tracks so I'm willing to put up with a queasy tummy.
This behaviour is all very messed up and I realize that.
I just want a break from bulimia.
She is wearing me down and I can't do it anymore
Anorexia is not much better but it's the lesser of two evils today.
My support group is on this evening.
My mother called yesterday to ask if I was going.
I want to, I really want to but I already know I won't go.
Going means I'm choosing recovery and I don't know if I'm ready.
I want to want recovery if that makes sense but I'm just not there yet.
I suppose if I waited until I was ready I would never go but if I go back to this group I want to be 100% committed and I know I'm not.
Pride is also stopping me, I don't want to have to admit I fucked up again, I don't want to admit that I need help even though I so clearly do.
I was one of the people who set up this particular group and then I abandoned it.
I have huge guilt over this.
Do any of you go to a support group?
By the way the group I'm talking about is Narcotics Anonymous.
Also I'm supposed to be going to Dublin this Saturday to meet up with my treatment friends and stay the night with one of them.
I'm in 2 minds whether to go or not.
I would love to see them and spend time with them but my eating disorder does not want to go.
What will I eat?
What if I need to purge?
How will I handle being away over night what with my binging and everything?
As much as I don't like to admit it, I don't want them to see I've gained weight.
The last time they say me was in hospital when my weight was lower.
It's weird but now I've been given the diagnosis of anorexia I feel I have to live up to this label.
I know my friends don't judge me because of my weight but I judge myself.
I think people often think because you've gained some weight that you must be better but I'm not better, if anything I'm worse.
I can feel the diet pill kicking in now, I feel a bit light headed and speedy, they are strong.
So I'd love to know what you think, if you were me would you go to Dublin?
And also how do you deal with travelling with your eating disorder?
Someone suggested to me that I leave it at home but how I wish it were that simple
I'm afraid where I go it goes too
This is why I don't venture far from my house, I don't really feel comfortable eating anywhere else so I don't travel too far.
This is another negative of my eating disorder.
Ok I'm going to go before I go off on a drug induced tangent and make absolutely no sense.
I'd love to hear what you think about Dublin.
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
Wednesday 20 June 2012
Dedicated follower of fashion
First I want to say a BIG thank you to all who commented on my last post.
It makes it that bit easier knowing you girls are behind me. It's easy to feel alone with this illness and I don't feel so alone now.
This morning was one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed, I was dreading the day ahead, another day that bulimia would have me in a headlock.
I just wanted to sleep forever.
But I can't, I'm grateful to have 2 lovely doggies who depend on me so I have to get up.
I'm fine once I get up, it's just the thought of getting up I hate.
If I didn't have those dogs I would probably never leave the house
When I can't find a reason to get up, I get up for them
When I want to hide in my house, I get out because I have to walk them and once I get out of the house I feel a lot better.
The Italy trip is just over 5 weeks away, it has really crept up on me.
My eating disorder doesn't want me to go,
My eating disorder is dreading this trip
All my mothers side of the family will be there and there will be lots of lunches and lots of meals out
I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to all these meals as I find eating out a chore
I get overwhelmed by the choice on the menu and never know what to order, that's if I do order
Then when I'm eating I'm paranoid people are looking at me to see what I've eaten
And when I'm finished eating then comes the urge to purge
Unfortunately being in a restaurant doesn't stop me purging, I've learned to be very quiet but it is a messy business and then sometimes the toilets don't flush well
This happened to me once when I was in London staying with my aunt, we went out for dinner and I purged in the bathroom, the toilet wouldn't flush so I panicked and just covered the sick with tissue
Disgusting
And when I came out of the stall my aunt was there waiting to go in
I don't know if she copped on but she didn't say anything if she did.
Also on that trip I broke the flush on the toilet in their house trying desperately to get rid of the evidence.
It's just that much harder to purge when your away from home
I know what your thinking 'so don't purge at all'
Yes this would be ideal, I'll try and get some control over it before I go
I'll me meeting lots of family on this trip and this brings up a lot of anxiety for me, maybe I'm wrong but I think they judge how well I am by how I look or how much I weigh so if I'm a regular weight they presume I'm fine but as I've said lots of times, I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs.
I'm somewhere in between at the moment so I presume they will think I'm in recovery although every time they see me I'm a different weight
Also I'm not bringing a partner and everyone else will be there with theirs
I guess what I'm saying is I compare myself to my cousins and other members of my family
They all have degrees, jobs, partners and here I am nearly 30 and I have none of these things
I often have this thought, that I am 30 and have nothing to show for it, just weight loss, weight gain and multiple admissions to hospital and treatment.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself here, it's just a fact
I spoke about feeling anxious about this trip to Mary, she asked me what would make it easier for me and I said if I had some nice clothes to wear I might feel better about myself so she suggested I but some new clothes. I have my dress for the wedding so that's sorted but I need skirts and dresses and shorts.
After I walked the dogs this morning I went to a cute little shop in town. It's a surf shop but they do lovely little skirts and stuff. I saw a few things I likes and brought them in to the dressing room.
Now I've mentioned before that I don't like shopping or trying on clothes because I hate having to look at my body but I sucked it up today and went for it.
I brought in 4 items and after I had tried on 2 I couldn't stand it any longer and didn't try on anything else.
I hated what I saw in the mirror, even though the clothes were small all I could see was my vast stomach.
This is where I need you ladies help
What sort of things should I bring to Italy. Bear in mind it will be hot.
I'm 5'4, small frame and my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the trip
You all gave me great suggestions for my dress so I know you'll be able to help me with this
I know a lot of you are dedicated followers of fashion so I would really appreciate your help
I just know I would be a lot more comfortable over there knowing I was wearing nice clothes
All suggestions welcome
I feel huge urges to restrict today but I know that will just lead to a binge
I am sick and tired of binging and purging
I swear I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
Please bulimia fuck off and leave me alone
I can't take much more of the binging and purging
Its doing my head in
I hate the power food has over me and I know my eating disorder wants me dead, no number will ever be low enough.
It's a cruel, cruel illness
I don't understand why anyone would actually want this illness
If they think it is glamorous or romantic, come walk a day in my shoes
What is glamorous about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes in to the toilet
What is romantic about purging in to a plastic bag because you can't get to a bathroom
What is nice about chewing and spitting your food out
This illness is so similar to drug addiction, the lying, the plotting, the scheming, the secrets
Same shit, different substance
I want to stop but I can't
I'm caught in the web of anorexia//bulimia and I can't get free
Spend a day with me and then tell me you want an eating disorder
I'd love to hear your suggestions about clothes for Italy,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
It makes it that bit easier knowing you girls are behind me. It's easy to feel alone with this illness and I don't feel so alone now.
This morning was one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed, I was dreading the day ahead, another day that bulimia would have me in a headlock.
I just wanted to sleep forever.
But I can't, I'm grateful to have 2 lovely doggies who depend on me so I have to get up.
I'm fine once I get up, it's just the thought of getting up I hate.
If I didn't have those dogs I would probably never leave the house
When I can't find a reason to get up, I get up for them
When I want to hide in my house, I get out because I have to walk them and once I get out of the house I feel a lot better.
The Italy trip is just over 5 weeks away, it has really crept up on me.
My eating disorder doesn't want me to go,
My eating disorder is dreading this trip
All my mothers side of the family will be there and there will be lots of lunches and lots of meals out
I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to all these meals as I find eating out a chore
I get overwhelmed by the choice on the menu and never know what to order, that's if I do order
Then when I'm eating I'm paranoid people are looking at me to see what I've eaten
And when I'm finished eating then comes the urge to purge
Unfortunately being in a restaurant doesn't stop me purging, I've learned to be very quiet but it is a messy business and then sometimes the toilets don't flush well
This happened to me once when I was in London staying with my aunt, we went out for dinner and I purged in the bathroom, the toilet wouldn't flush so I panicked and just covered the sick with tissue
Disgusting
And when I came out of the stall my aunt was there waiting to go in
I don't know if she copped on but she didn't say anything if she did.
Also on that trip I broke the flush on the toilet in their house trying desperately to get rid of the evidence.
It's just that much harder to purge when your away from home
I know what your thinking 'so don't purge at all'
Yes this would be ideal, I'll try and get some control over it before I go
I'll me meeting lots of family on this trip and this brings up a lot of anxiety for me, maybe I'm wrong but I think they judge how well I am by how I look or how much I weigh so if I'm a regular weight they presume I'm fine but as I've said lots of times, I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs.
I'm somewhere in between at the moment so I presume they will think I'm in recovery although every time they see me I'm a different weight
Also I'm not bringing a partner and everyone else will be there with theirs
I guess what I'm saying is I compare myself to my cousins and other members of my family
They all have degrees, jobs, partners and here I am nearly 30 and I have none of these things
I often have this thought, that I am 30 and have nothing to show for it, just weight loss, weight gain and multiple admissions to hospital and treatment.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself here, it's just a fact
I spoke about feeling anxious about this trip to Mary, she asked me what would make it easier for me and I said if I had some nice clothes to wear I might feel better about myself so she suggested I but some new clothes. I have my dress for the wedding so that's sorted but I need skirts and dresses and shorts.
After I walked the dogs this morning I went to a cute little shop in town. It's a surf shop but they do lovely little skirts and stuff. I saw a few things I likes and brought them in to the dressing room.
Now I've mentioned before that I don't like shopping or trying on clothes because I hate having to look at my body but I sucked it up today and went for it.
I brought in 4 items and after I had tried on 2 I couldn't stand it any longer and didn't try on anything else.
I hated what I saw in the mirror, even though the clothes were small all I could see was my vast stomach.
This is where I need you ladies help
What sort of things should I bring to Italy. Bear in mind it will be hot.
I'm 5'4, small frame and my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the trip
You all gave me great suggestions for my dress so I know you'll be able to help me with this
I know a lot of you are dedicated followers of fashion so I would really appreciate your help
I just know I would be a lot more comfortable over there knowing I was wearing nice clothes
All suggestions welcome
I feel huge urges to restrict today but I know that will just lead to a binge
I am sick and tired of binging and purging
I swear I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
Please bulimia fuck off and leave me alone
I can't take much more of the binging and purging
Its doing my head in
I hate the power food has over me and I know my eating disorder wants me dead, no number will ever be low enough.
It's a cruel, cruel illness
I don't understand why anyone would actually want this illness
If they think it is glamorous or romantic, come walk a day in my shoes
What is glamorous about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes in to the toilet
What is romantic about purging in to a plastic bag because you can't get to a bathroom
What is nice about chewing and spitting your food out
This illness is so similar to drug addiction, the lying, the plotting, the scheming, the secrets
Same shit, different substance
I want to stop but I can't
I'm caught in the web of anorexia//bulimia and I can't get free
Spend a day with me and then tell me you want an eating disorder
I'd love to hear your suggestions about clothes for Italy,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
Tuesday 19 June 2012
Pros and cons
I am quickly finding out that recovery does not just happen, just wanting it is not enough,
I actually have to do something, change behaviours, eat and not purge
I have to be honest and admit that things have not gone quite to plan (not that I made a plan, maybe I should have) Yesterday I took my meds properly and gave half of them to my mother but she is now gone until Thursday and I'm here on my own.
No one would know if I took extra
I'm not seeing Mary this week, she's on holidays
So yes I took extra
Not good
I walked my dogs in the woods this morning and then went to the shop, I bought some binge food and shoplifted other food.
Not good
This feeling reminds me of when I was on drugs
I wanted to stop but didn't know how
This eating disorder feels like a runaway train and I am powerless to stop it
To get things clearer in my head I'm going to make a list of the things I've lost to my ed and also the pros of my ed and the pro of recovery
Things I've lost to my eating disorder
- First I've lost 11 years of my life to this illness, 11 years that could've been very different
- Friends, I've pushed all my recovery friends away, it's impossible to have a social life with this illness
- Family, it has affected my relationship with family and some including my sister have pulled away
- Health, I have not had a period in years, my potassium is often low, I get tired easily, my bones are affected, I'm sure purging has affected my health too
- Fertility? Having not had a period in years I don't know if I can have children, this scares me
- Mood, I suffer from bouts of depression
- I'm cold all the time
- I get anxiety a lot and don't want to leave the house
- Pride and dignity
- Independence, I move back in with my mother 5 years ago as I wasn't able to manage on my own financially or emotionally
- I've lost the opportunity to go to college, get an education, have a social life, have a boyfriend, get married, to have a job
- Fun. As I wrote recently I miss laughing and can remember the last time I laughed, over a year ago
- Opportunity, having lost out on so much time, I lost the opportunity to travel, to study, to learn, to realise my potential
- I've lost all confidence in myself
- My self esteem is non existent
- My belief in myself has been shaken
- All Hope as almost been lost
- It has affected my mind and my personality
Pros of my eating disorder
- I would like to be able to say I'm thin but of course I don't think I'm thin so that is hard to say
- I get to escape reality
- It's something I'm good at
- It gives me a goal to work towards
-The euphoria of losing weight
- The feeling of my clothes getting baggier
- Dare I say it, it makes me feel special
- It's my go to coping mechanism
- It defines me
- I feel in control
- It's my comfort zone
- I don't have to deal with life
- I feel numb to emotions
Pros of recovery
- My health will improve greatly
- My mood will improve
- I'll go back to my support group
- I'll have friends again
- My family won't have to worry
- No more inpatient
- No purging
- Engaging in hobbies again like dancing
- My period will hopefully return and hopefully can have children
- The opportunity to go back to college, to study, to travel, to work
- My quality of life will improve
-Maybe able to help others
- My anxiety might lessen
- Hopefully confidence and self esteem will improve
- I'll get to know me
- I'll get to realise my potential
- My personality and rational mind will return
So yes, all these things tell me that recovery is the way to go but my old friends fear, anxiety, guilt and resentment keep me stuck where I am. My belief in myself is a huge one, maybe if I believed in myself a little more I wouldn't feel such overwhelming anxiety about re-engaging with life.
The last job I had was teaching hip-hop to children. I had no experience of hip-hop so I bought dvds and taught myself. I then set up 3 classes and did it for about a year and a half. We did 3 shows in that time.
But after a cruel comment from a parent telling us we were 'shit' I started to lose confidence.
Then I lost complete confidence and started to dread the classes so I tool some time off and still haven't gone
back. That was over a year ago.
I would dearly love to go back but I can't seem to muster up the courage.
Maybe someday.
I'm just terrified that life will chew me up and spit me back out and it is easier to stay where I am rather than take a risk. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I would love to know if any of you have suggestions as to how you started your recovery. I'm sure it's different for everyone but what helped you?
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
I actually have to do something, change behaviours, eat and not purge
I have to be honest and admit that things have not gone quite to plan (not that I made a plan, maybe I should have) Yesterday I took my meds properly and gave half of them to my mother but she is now gone until Thursday and I'm here on my own.
No one would know if I took extra
I'm not seeing Mary this week, she's on holidays
So yes I took extra
Not good
I walked my dogs in the woods this morning and then went to the shop, I bought some binge food and shoplifted other food.
Not good
This feeling reminds me of when I was on drugs
I wanted to stop but didn't know how
This eating disorder feels like a runaway train and I am powerless to stop it
To get things clearer in my head I'm going to make a list of the things I've lost to my ed and also the pros of my ed and the pro of recovery
Things I've lost to my eating disorder
- First I've lost 11 years of my life to this illness, 11 years that could've been very different
- Friends, I've pushed all my recovery friends away, it's impossible to have a social life with this illness
- Family, it has affected my relationship with family and some including my sister have pulled away
- Health, I have not had a period in years, my potassium is often low, I get tired easily, my bones are affected, I'm sure purging has affected my health too
- Fertility? Having not had a period in years I don't know if I can have children, this scares me
- Mood, I suffer from bouts of depression
- I'm cold all the time
- I get anxiety a lot and don't want to leave the house
- Pride and dignity
- Independence, I move back in with my mother 5 years ago as I wasn't able to manage on my own financially or emotionally
- I've lost the opportunity to go to college, get an education, have a social life, have a boyfriend, get married, to have a job
- Fun. As I wrote recently I miss laughing and can remember the last time I laughed, over a year ago
- Opportunity, having lost out on so much time, I lost the opportunity to travel, to study, to learn, to realise my potential
- I've lost all confidence in myself
- My self esteem is non existent
- My belief in myself has been shaken
- All Hope as almost been lost
- It has affected my mind and my personality
Pros of my eating disorder
- I would like to be able to say I'm thin but of course I don't think I'm thin so that is hard to say
- I get to escape reality
- It's something I'm good at
- It gives me a goal to work towards
-The euphoria of losing weight
- The feeling of my clothes getting baggier
- Dare I say it, it makes me feel special
- It's my go to coping mechanism
- It defines me
- I feel in control
- It's my comfort zone
- I don't have to deal with life
- I feel numb to emotions
Pros of recovery
- My health will improve greatly
- My mood will improve
- I'll go back to my support group
- I'll have friends again
- My family won't have to worry
- No more inpatient
- No purging
- Engaging in hobbies again like dancing
- My period will hopefully return and hopefully can have children
- The opportunity to go back to college, to study, to travel, to work
- My quality of life will improve
-Maybe able to help others
- My anxiety might lessen
- Hopefully confidence and self esteem will improve
- I'll get to know me
- I'll get to realise my potential
- My personality and rational mind will return
So yes, all these things tell me that recovery is the way to go but my old friends fear, anxiety, guilt and resentment keep me stuck where I am. My belief in myself is a huge one, maybe if I believed in myself a little more I wouldn't feel such overwhelming anxiety about re-engaging with life.
The last job I had was teaching hip-hop to children. I had no experience of hip-hop so I bought dvds and taught myself. I then set up 3 classes and did it for about a year and a half. We did 3 shows in that time.
But after a cruel comment from a parent telling us we were 'shit' I started to lose confidence.
Then I lost complete confidence and started to dread the classes so I tool some time off and still haven't gone
back. That was over a year ago.
I would dearly love to go back but I can't seem to muster up the courage.
Maybe someday.
I'm just terrified that life will chew me up and spit me back out and it is easier to stay where I am rather than take a risk. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I would love to know if any of you have suggestions as to how you started your recovery. I'm sure it's different for everyone but what helped you?
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading this and as always much love xxx
Monday 18 June 2012
Monday morning blues
Usual Monday morning routine today.
Doctors appointment first thing this morning.
As I've said before he doesn't always stick to talking about medical topics. Today he spent about 10 minutes talking about a political show that was shown in this country in the 1980''s.
I have no idea why or what he was talking about.
He didn't ask me about the meds but he did ask me if I'm still purging (or puking as he so delicately puts it)
I told him I was but he didn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be worried.
So why should I?
It is a sad fact of this country that you have to be literally dying of malnutrition to get proper help or at least for them to take notice. My weight is not critically low and my bloods are normal so my doctor seems to have no reason to be concerned.
Sometimes I think I would love him to spend a day with me and see the true nature of my eating disorder.
The morning weigh in that dictates my mood for the day.
Shopping for (stealing) binge food.
Restricting all day until I can't stand it any longer and finally break out and start binging and purging.
Marching endlessly up and down from my kitchen to my bathroom.
Maybe he would take the situation more seriously if he spent just an hour inside my head.
He would experience the neverending obsession over food and weight.
I know he is just a GP and does not have the insight that Mary does but it makes me feel like I'm not really sick when he fobs me off. I guess I'm lucky to have Mary, she knows the score.
It wasn't until I was in the chemist that I realised he had given me a weeks worth of medication when I was only supposed to get 3 days. So know I have the temptation of overtaking them.
I haven't so far but I am in the house on my own until Thursday so I can't give them to anyone.
I'm determined to take them properly though.
One good effect of taking them correctly this week is that my sleep has greatly improved and I think my mood was better too.
I've been toying with the idea of recovery for the last few days but I have to admit I have made no concrete moves, it's just a thought at the moment.
It's not like I don't know what to do, I just keep putting it off
My ex-sponsor used to say to me 'if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'. This was a simple but effective tool for me. If I think I should skip lunch, eat lunch.
If I think I don't want to go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting.
As I said before anxiety and fear are stopping me from going for it.
It really is a leap of faith and I'm trying to muster the courage to take it.
My eating disorder is a full time job with no days off and no holiday. I work for my eating disorder all week ie restricting, purging, exercise and I expect to get a fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss.
If I take the eating disorder away I have to fill the void it will leave with other things.
I guess this is how 'normal' people live, they have jobs, courses, relationships, hobbies, friends, holidays,pets.
I suppose I need to find things that interest and excite me as much as my eating disorder.
Even in treatment I have never managed to get the purging under control, it really is a powerful addiction.
The anxiety I feel after eating is overwhelming.
For example yesterday was my sisters birthday and she came to ours for her dinner.
I wanted to be there and ate with them but the second I was finished I had the compulsion to purge.
I knew they would know if I got up straight away so I tried to wait a few minutes but I couldn't even concentrate on what they were saying and I didn't last 2 minutes. I feel great relief after I purge.
Mary told me that at most we only manage to purge 60% of what we eat but even knowing this does not make me stop.
I binged and purged about 6 times last night and finally collapsed on the couch where I promptly fell asleep exhausted afterwards.
Also the shoplifting is still a problem. I stole bacon today.
I don't know what it will take to make me stop.
I mentioned my sister yesterday and today. She is 5 years older than me and lives just down the road, she has an 11 year old son. She has been in recovery from alcoholism for the last 6 years.
We are not that close and usually communicate through my mother.
She very much does her own thing and doesn't get too involved in family stuff.
I definitely get on better with my other brother and sister.
I've realised recently that I have a huge resentment against her for a couple of reasons.
She doesn't allow me to babysit my nephew and this really hurts me. I asked her a long time ago why and she told me it was because I was sick and she was afraid something would happen.
I can sort of understand that but I'm a lot physically stronger now and could manage a lot better.
I love my nephew and I want to be close with him and not being allowed babysit him,gets me down.
I think another reason I hold a resentment against her is that I see a lot of myself in her, the addictive nature, the anxiety, the self obsession and all these things I hate about myself I see so clearly in her and it's like looking in a mirror and seeing all the negatives about me.
You would think that we'd have a lot in common what with us both being addicts but we struggle to hold a conversation. I hate the fact I can't get over this resentment, I wish I could let it go, it definitely affects my relationship with my nephew.
I was wondering about you, do you harbour resentments against a family member?
How does affect your relationship? I'd love to know
I have huge urges to restrict today.
The wedding is in 6 weeks and it looms heavily over me.
It triggers me massively to want to lose weight.
It makes me think I should put recovery on hold until it's over but that is just an excuse.
I know restricting just sets me up to binge but I still crave the feeling of being empty.
This is where the seduction of the eating disorder tricks.
It is similar to an abuser, it grooms me and seduces me into believing that anorexia is romantic and glamorous and that being thin is the way to happiness and success.
Then like an abuser once it lures me in it turns on me and shows it's true colours but by then it's too late and I am held hostage by this illness.
I don't understand why anyone would want this illness.
There is nothing romantic or glamorous about it.
What is romantic about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes into the toilet,
What is glamorous about rotten teeth, constipation, grey skin and hair falling out
We don't even get to enjoy being thin as we are never thin enough.
There is nothing beautiful or successful about it.
I hope this post finds you well today,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx
Doctors appointment first thing this morning.
As I've said before he doesn't always stick to talking about medical topics. Today he spent about 10 minutes talking about a political show that was shown in this country in the 1980''s.
I have no idea why or what he was talking about.
He didn't ask me about the meds but he did ask me if I'm still purging (or puking as he so delicately puts it)
I told him I was but he didn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be worried.
So why should I?
It is a sad fact of this country that you have to be literally dying of malnutrition to get proper help or at least for them to take notice. My weight is not critically low and my bloods are normal so my doctor seems to have no reason to be concerned.
Sometimes I think I would love him to spend a day with me and see the true nature of my eating disorder.
The morning weigh in that dictates my mood for the day.
Shopping for (stealing) binge food.
Restricting all day until I can't stand it any longer and finally break out and start binging and purging.
Marching endlessly up and down from my kitchen to my bathroom.
Maybe he would take the situation more seriously if he spent just an hour inside my head.
He would experience the neverending obsession over food and weight.
I know he is just a GP and does not have the insight that Mary does but it makes me feel like I'm not really sick when he fobs me off. I guess I'm lucky to have Mary, she knows the score.
It wasn't until I was in the chemist that I realised he had given me a weeks worth of medication when I was only supposed to get 3 days. So know I have the temptation of overtaking them.
I haven't so far but I am in the house on my own until Thursday so I can't give them to anyone.
I'm determined to take them properly though.
One good effect of taking them correctly this week is that my sleep has greatly improved and I think my mood was better too.
I've been toying with the idea of recovery for the last few days but I have to admit I have made no concrete moves, it's just a thought at the moment.
It's not like I don't know what to do, I just keep putting it off
My ex-sponsor used to say to me 'if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'. This was a simple but effective tool for me. If I think I should skip lunch, eat lunch.
If I think I don't want to go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting.
As I said before anxiety and fear are stopping me from going for it.
It really is a leap of faith and I'm trying to muster the courage to take it.
My eating disorder is a full time job with no days off and no holiday. I work for my eating disorder all week ie restricting, purging, exercise and I expect to get a fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss.
If I take the eating disorder away I have to fill the void it will leave with other things.
I guess this is how 'normal' people live, they have jobs, courses, relationships, hobbies, friends, holidays,pets.
I suppose I need to find things that interest and excite me as much as my eating disorder.
Even in treatment I have never managed to get the purging under control, it really is a powerful addiction.
The anxiety I feel after eating is overwhelming.
For example yesterday was my sisters birthday and she came to ours for her dinner.
I wanted to be there and ate with them but the second I was finished I had the compulsion to purge.
I knew they would know if I got up straight away so I tried to wait a few minutes but I couldn't even concentrate on what they were saying and I didn't last 2 minutes. I feel great relief after I purge.
Mary told me that at most we only manage to purge 60% of what we eat but even knowing this does not make me stop.
I binged and purged about 6 times last night and finally collapsed on the couch where I promptly fell asleep exhausted afterwards.
Also the shoplifting is still a problem. I stole bacon today.
I don't know what it will take to make me stop.
I mentioned my sister yesterday and today. She is 5 years older than me and lives just down the road, she has an 11 year old son. She has been in recovery from alcoholism for the last 6 years.
We are not that close and usually communicate through my mother.
She very much does her own thing and doesn't get too involved in family stuff.
I definitely get on better with my other brother and sister.
I've realised recently that I have a huge resentment against her for a couple of reasons.
She doesn't allow me to babysit my nephew and this really hurts me. I asked her a long time ago why and she told me it was because I was sick and she was afraid something would happen.
I can sort of understand that but I'm a lot physically stronger now and could manage a lot better.
I love my nephew and I want to be close with him and not being allowed babysit him,gets me down.
I think another reason I hold a resentment against her is that I see a lot of myself in her, the addictive nature, the anxiety, the self obsession and all these things I hate about myself I see so clearly in her and it's like looking in a mirror and seeing all the negatives about me.
You would think that we'd have a lot in common what with us both being addicts but we struggle to hold a conversation. I hate the fact I can't get over this resentment, I wish I could let it go, it definitely affects my relationship with my nephew.
I was wondering about you, do you harbour resentments against a family member?
How does affect your relationship? I'd love to know
I have huge urges to restrict today.
The wedding is in 6 weeks and it looms heavily over me.
It triggers me massively to want to lose weight.
It makes me think I should put recovery on hold until it's over but that is just an excuse.
I know restricting just sets me up to binge but I still crave the feeling of being empty.
This is where the seduction of the eating disorder tricks.
It is similar to an abuser, it grooms me and seduces me into believing that anorexia is romantic and glamorous and that being thin is the way to happiness and success.
Then like an abuser once it lures me in it turns on me and shows it's true colours but by then it's too late and I am held hostage by this illness.
I don't understand why anyone would want this illness.
There is nothing romantic or glamorous about it.
What is romantic about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes into the toilet,
What is glamorous about rotten teeth, constipation, grey skin and hair falling out
We don't even get to enjoy being thin as we are never thin enough.
There is nothing beautiful or successful about it.
I hope this post finds you well today,
Thanks for reading this and as always much love to you xxx
Sunday 17 June 2012
Life V Death
First I want to say a massive thank you for all your comments yesterday, they were so positive and encouraging and I'm so happy to know that you are behind me in this.
I don't feel so alone anymore.
The lovely Fiona over at 'Faith and Meouw' made a really interesting point in her comment.
It's not so much a choice between eating disorder and recovery as it is a decision between life and death.
This really made sense to me.
For the longest time I've had a passive deathwish. Welcoming death but not actively seeking it.
Sometimes when I'm driving I drive so fast that I'm willing myself to crash,
When I overtake my meds I hope that I will slip into a coma,
When I purge 15 times a day I'm hoping my heart will give out.
When I'm walking my dogs up the cliffs I'm hoping a gust of wind will carry me over the edge.
Sometimes I wish I was hurt, like maybe break my leg, then I would have to go into hospital and all the nurses will look after me and I can live in the bubble that is hospital.
It's sounds childish but I want to be minded.
I guess it's wanting to escape from reality and escape from me,
My reality at the moment is restricting all day then binging and purging all night, who wouldn't want to escape from that. And when you don't like yourself very much you just want to unzip your skin and step out of it.
So where do I go from here?
How do I start recovery?
I honestly don't know.
That's a lie of course I know.
It's morning here, I could start with breakfast
Mary is always asking me to plan my meals the day before but I never do it
Eating something would be a good start
Ok I can do that if I really try
Stopping the purging would be great, I need to distract myself after eating so I don't feel enormous anxiety
Ok I can try that too, it'll be hard but I'll try
It's my sisters birthday today so she is coming down for her dinner, I'm anxious about this but I will eat with them and just see how I get on. (Remember the bubble bath I stole? I'll be giving her that as a gift, how ashamed do I feel?)
My relationship with this sister is strained but I write about that another time
All I can do is try today
Another thing I can do is go back to my support group. It's on Thursday.
I plan to ring a friends and go together so I can't back out like I usually do
I'm going to find this hugely anxiety provoking but like with a lot of things with me it's the thought of doing something that creates anxiety not the actual thing itself.
I had a phonecall from a girl I was in treatment with yesterday.
She is planning to go to Dublin next Saturday to meet up with the others.
She invited me to travel with her and spend the night at her place.
She has asked before but I never took her up on her offer.
I would love to do this as I got on with this girl very well, the only thing stopping me going is my eating disorder. My ed hates me being away from my house, it is comfortable there.
I told her I would ring her during the week for definite but I think I'm going to go.
I went through treatment with these people, they know me so well.
They know I purge, they know I'm addicted to twix bars, they know my drug history.
This girl I'm staying with also has an eating disorder but she purges through exercise.
I would say she is addicted to exercise.
I'd love to know what you think? Would you go if you were me?
I was thinking about my cousin who is getting married, we were saying she'll probably get pregnant pretty soon. This got me thinking about myself. I lost my twenties to addiction and eating disorders, do I really want to lose my thirties too? I'm of the age where people I know are getting married and having kids.
Do I want that? I'm not sure but I definitely want love, definitely want to fall in love.
I want the chance to be able to do these things
I don't want to lose anything else to this illness, I've lost enough
In a lot of ways I still feel 20 because I haven't gone through the things people usually go through in their twenties but in other ways I feel way more than 29, I feel I've lived a thousand lives
What about you, what have you lost to your eating disorder?
Are you willing to risk losing more?
I don't think I want to die today, apart from anything else it would break my families heart
That is enough to keep me from dying today
On a positive note, I've taken my meds properly the last few days, the system with my mother giving them to me seems to be working.
Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love to you xxx
I don't feel so alone anymore.
The lovely Fiona over at 'Faith and Meouw' made a really interesting point in her comment.
It's not so much a choice between eating disorder and recovery as it is a decision between life and death.
This really made sense to me.
For the longest time I've had a passive deathwish. Welcoming death but not actively seeking it.
Sometimes when I'm driving I drive so fast that I'm willing myself to crash,
When I overtake my meds I hope that I will slip into a coma,
When I purge 15 times a day I'm hoping my heart will give out.
When I'm walking my dogs up the cliffs I'm hoping a gust of wind will carry me over the edge.
Sometimes I wish I was hurt, like maybe break my leg, then I would have to go into hospital and all the nurses will look after me and I can live in the bubble that is hospital.
It's sounds childish but I want to be minded.
I guess it's wanting to escape from reality and escape from me,
My reality at the moment is restricting all day then binging and purging all night, who wouldn't want to escape from that. And when you don't like yourself very much you just want to unzip your skin and step out of it.
So where do I go from here?
How do I start recovery?
I honestly don't know.
That's a lie of course I know.
It's morning here, I could start with breakfast
Mary is always asking me to plan my meals the day before but I never do it
Eating something would be a good start
Ok I can do that if I really try
Stopping the purging would be great, I need to distract myself after eating so I don't feel enormous anxiety
Ok I can try that too, it'll be hard but I'll try
It's my sisters birthday today so she is coming down for her dinner, I'm anxious about this but I will eat with them and just see how I get on. (Remember the bubble bath I stole? I'll be giving her that as a gift, how ashamed do I feel?)
My relationship with this sister is strained but I write about that another time
All I can do is try today
Another thing I can do is go back to my support group. It's on Thursday.
I plan to ring a friends and go together so I can't back out like I usually do
I'm going to find this hugely anxiety provoking but like with a lot of things with me it's the thought of doing something that creates anxiety not the actual thing itself.
I had a phonecall from a girl I was in treatment with yesterday.
She is planning to go to Dublin next Saturday to meet up with the others.
She invited me to travel with her and spend the night at her place.
She has asked before but I never took her up on her offer.
I would love to do this as I got on with this girl very well, the only thing stopping me going is my eating disorder. My ed hates me being away from my house, it is comfortable there.
I told her I would ring her during the week for definite but I think I'm going to go.
I went through treatment with these people, they know me so well.
They know I purge, they know I'm addicted to twix bars, they know my drug history.
This girl I'm staying with also has an eating disorder but she purges through exercise.
I would say she is addicted to exercise.
I'd love to know what you think? Would you go if you were me?
I was thinking about my cousin who is getting married, we were saying she'll probably get pregnant pretty soon. This got me thinking about myself. I lost my twenties to addiction and eating disorders, do I really want to lose my thirties too? I'm of the age where people I know are getting married and having kids.
Do I want that? I'm not sure but I definitely want love, definitely want to fall in love.
I want the chance to be able to do these things
I don't want to lose anything else to this illness, I've lost enough
In a lot of ways I still feel 20 because I haven't gone through the things people usually go through in their twenties but in other ways I feel way more than 29, I feel I've lived a thousand lives
What about you, what have you lost to your eating disorder?
Are you willing to risk losing more?
I don't think I want to die today, apart from anything else it would break my families heart
That is enough to keep me from dying today
On a positive note, I've taken my meds properly the last few days, the system with my mother giving them to me seems to be working.
Thanks for reading this and as always lots of love to you xxx
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