Thursday, 3 May 2012

Ignorance is bliss

I haven't weighed in two days for two reasons. 1 my therapist Mary has asked me  not to and 2 I just can't face it.  I know I've gained, I can feel it. My jeans feel tighter, where my hips used to stick out is now flabby. Of course I might be totally in my imagination but I fear not. I'm seeing Mary again in  week so I won't weigh until then and hopefully I'll see a significant drop.

So Mary is nice and she's very on the ball. I've told her that I'm not sure that I want recovery but she says feeling like that is normal. I'm not 100% honest with her yet. Part of me doesn't want to tell her all my ed secrets because then what's left for me? Today she went through the physical effects of my ed and being underweight eg loss of periods. I didn't tell her but the truth is I actually don't mind things like this. In fact I see things like lanugo, hair falling out as indicators that I do have an ed if that makes sense. They're like trophys of my ed. For example when I got blood tests done recently, I was hoping the results would come back abnormal because then I would know for sure that I have an ed. I suppose because I don't see the thinness I'm looking for other things to prove I have an ed. Weird I know.

I'm attending a wedding abroad in July. Nothing like a wedding to bring on the motivation to lose weight. So that gives me 3 months to lose as much weight as possible. I'm thinking a stone will do nicely. I want peolpe to do a double take when they see me, I want them to be shocked, to elbow each other and whisper oh my God what happened to her. Is this attention seeking? Probably. I want to flaunt my bones like they are pieces of jewellry. I want to look delicate and fragile and ethereal.  I want to be as light as a feather.

I will  get there.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx


  1. I always want my bloods to come back abnormal. they rarely do, unless i've od'd or something. my gp never understands why they aren't worse, so try not to judge having an ed on bloods, some of my friends who are in recovery from an ed and were inpatient never had dodgy bloods despite being severly underweight. isn't it mad (AND SO BLOOD ANNOYING) how the stupid human body adapts.

    Thanks for my comment.

    Love love, I'll be reading your blog xxx

  2. Wow, its scary how like this I feel sometimes! I loved it when people were shocked at how thin I was, how they commented that I looked gaunt and had lovely cheekbones.. I thrived off it. Want that back so bad.. We dont have long till our weddings.. I am scared xx


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