I've been binging for the last 4 days
Not on food but on diet pills
The feeling of not wanting to eat is addictive
I feel wired but to be free of the binging and purging is bliss
I only have about 5 pills left
I'm not buying anymore
I want to know my weight
The suspense is killing me
I'll wait until I see Mary though
The wedding in Italy is 5 short weeks away
No doubt they will fly by
We are staying there for 10 days, 10 days filled with family lunches and family dinners
I should be looking forward to it and I am, kind of
But I'm also very anxious
Someone suggested that I leave my eating disorder at home
I've tried this before but she always manages to turn up uninvited
The funny thing is I love Italian food, it's my favourite food in the whole world
But this worries me as I'm afraid I will lose all control over my eating and I will turn into a crazed binge
monster eating everything that comes my way
It would be easier not to go at all but I'm not giving myself that option, I'm making myself go
I will probably enjoy myself once I'm there, it just thinking about it makes me anxious
I've had a strange relationship with food since I was a child
I loved food, not junk food, I loved dinners like meat, veg and potatoes
I remember my family saying all the time 'Ruby is such a good eater, she has a great appetite'
I hated when they said that, I wanted to be a dainty eater, eating little bits not this greedy child with a healthy appetite
Even as a child I equated skinny as good and fat as bad
As a teenager I remember trying to restrict but I just couldn't do it, I loved food too much
I remember my ballet teacher telling my mother I had got too thin
I was secretly delighted
I remember being in that ballet class and looking at the girl in front of me at the barre
Her arm was so thin and I wanted thin arms too
Age 19 and myself and 3 friends rented an apartment in Dublin
We each had a press in the kitchen for our food
I used to steal their food, pasta, pasta sauce, anything that looked nice
I remember my boyfriend at the time telling me I had got pudgy
The drugs were getting out of hand at this point
I stopped eating when I was using
I didn't eat a thing
In hospital a nurse tells me I'm anorexic
I refuse to believe her, how could I be anorexic, I love food
I remember my sister trying to force feed me
I looked like a skeleton but I just couldn't see it
I sink to an all time low of 35 kilos
I thought I was fat
In drug treatment I put on nearly 3 stone
Everyone was delighted but in reality I had just turned from anorexic to bulimic
Someone makes a comment about my ass being fat and that triggers me to lose all the weight again
Psychiatric hospital admission and inpatient
I'm put on olanzipine and over the next year slowly work my way up to an all time high of 60 kilos
I hated myself
I wanted to unzip my skin and step out of it
A year later someone makes a comment that I've lost weight
This triggers another anorexic episode
I don't know why some people think it's ok to pass comments about weight
I would never make a comment good or bad about someones weight
I remember every comment that's ever been made about my weight
It always triggers some sort of reaction
Present day and I don't know where to go from here
Just last week I was talking about recovery but I feel so far from recovery now
My brain is addled from these stupid pills
I'm always sorry I took them
I never learn
I am the very definition of insanity
Until tomorrow x
I feel like you told your story in 30 secs! I can relate to being a kid and not wanting to be greedy. My mom actually did call me greedy and when I think about it as a kid that hurt my feelings. I first started trying to starve myself at 11. Like you I loved food too much and it was just like yeah whatever.
ReplyDeleteI know it is nice to not be hungry. One time I had these diet pills that made me feel sick and I would always take them before I went to work. At that time I worked in the food place so it was great not to be temped by all that crap.
I did not forget about finding some dress ideas for you. I was going to do it last nioght but got busy. Must make time tonight for our time is whining down.
I always make good comments on people's weight and this is why. When I am busting my ass to lose weight. I would like a compliment of acknowledgement. It let's me know for sure that all the hard work is paying off. Somewhere I see a female or male and they look slim or have lost weight. I let them know because I would want the same in return. Losing weight is such hard work.
Off to work I go now so I will talk to you later and shop dress ideas!
Thanks Winter,
DeleteHope work goes well today,
Much love xxx
I have an aversion to comments on weight too.. its a terrible thing to do because you never really know what the other person might be going thought and how it might affect them. Weightloss is a delicate thing..
ReplyDeleteI hope your feeling better hun <3 Stay Strong
xxxxx
Breathe~
I totally agree x
ReplyDeleteI am the same - last week I was talking positively about eating healthily and exercising - working towards recovery.. Now all thoughts of such things couldnt be further from my mind..
ReplyDeleteStay strong - you are not the definition of insanity.. read my name <3 "We Are All Mad Here" - that makes us pretty damn normal ;) Love you! x
Thank you sweetie,
ReplyDeleteAll my love xxx
I completely flip when someone comments on my eating or weight... 'healthy' is the worst, especially during relapses. That's horrible about the olanzapine :( I was forced on it when I was in treatment, and freaked out to my Mum about the potential for weight gain. To this day, she still tries to give me olanzapine when I'm really stressed and out of control (which is a lot). She doesn't believe that it'll make me fat, even though I've read her the studies and how it effects metabolism and carbohydrate absorption... She thinks it just makes you lazy and that's why people gain weight, even though that is so far from the real reason. I now flat-out refuse to take any medication that messes with metabolism and hormones. Hungry and lazy I can deal with - fucking with my body I can't.
ReplyDeleteKeep on fighting, hun. Italy will turn out for the best, I'm sure. A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure!
xxBella
Yes I was originally put on it in treatment too, I'm still on it but I don't take it the way I should. Sometimes I overtake it if I want to sleep for the day. I also don't anything messing with my weight, that scares me. Thank you for your kind comment, hope you're doing ok too, lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteHey Ruby,
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to all you've just written (including the weight... first term at uni I got to 60 kilos... I freaked!) I've always felt that way about food. I love food, was never fussy as a kid and was a 'good eater.' I just wanted to be able to survive without food. Tbh that's still my drive even now!
Yeah, people are telling me I look amazing now I've gained weight, and I do find myself slipping at times...
Sorry the Dublin trip didn't work out. I hope you feel better soon.
xxx
Thanks Aggy for your comment,
ReplyDeleteHope you are well,
Lots of love to you xxx
Hey lovely. Hmm, I had a weird approach to my terrible body image, but I remember every single comment ever made. Before my Ed started, I remember my mom saying how I was a "medium size" instead of a small. How a portion of spaghetti was too big. But then there are times where she said I'm shrinking and I'm so small. I remember my ex would pick me up..he would grunt or something like I was heavy. I wanted him to pick me up without effort. People would comment how small I was and ask how I do it. One night I was so drunk, and someone said to "move you're fat ass", as a joke. I went crazy with rage. Even now, the comments still come. I want to scream at people that that don't understand. Ah sorry that was such a long comment, but yeah, words are the worst trigger, definitely. Much love, hon. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm the same, I remember every single comment good and bad and file it under fat pig at the back of my brain.
DeleteWeight comments should be outlawed.
Much love sweetie xxx
Some people who love food become gourmet chefs, others develop eating disorders.
ReplyDeleteI never comment about people's weight. I find it really fucking hard to compliment someone on losing weight when some of my closest friends are starving and puking themselves to death.
<3
When I was at my sickest I worked ina pizzeria, surrounded myself with food and never touched any of it.
DeleteI also never make weight comments as you never know how someone will take it. Also it has nothing to do with anything.
Lots of love x