Sunday 10 June 2012

Bulimia, are you listening?

I am so very tired this morning.
I didn't sleep last night due to being up in the night multiple times binging and purging.
It's getting worse and it's getting me down.
I don't know how to stop.
Bulimia, are you listening?
Fuck. Off. Away. From. Me
I can't take it today, take the day off, I'm giving you the day off and take ana with you..
I just want one day eating disorder free.
One day not obsessing over food and weight and numbers
You can come back tomorrow, just leave me alone today
Did you hear that?
Good

So anyway, I went in to town yesterday. On the way in we stopped at a cute little craft shop to buy my sister a birthday gift. My mother bought her a beautiful bag and matching scarf.
I'm ashamed to admit I stole a bottle of bubble bath.
I stole her birthday gift. Very classy Ruby.
I thought I had stopped this shit. Apparently not.
I can't think about it now though, it will drive me crazy.
We then went to Monsoon where I found the yellow dress I had tried on before.
I tried on the smallest size, a size 8 but it was too big and just didn't look right.
I was disappointed but the sales girl suggested another dress in the same colour. It was still a bit big but the style suited me a lot better and she pinned it for me so I can get it altered.
So yay, I got a dress and am delighted with it. I'll post pics soon.
And in case anyone is wondering, yes I paid for the dress, I'm not that bad!

When I got home I got a phone call from a lad I was in hospital with. I hadn't heard from him in ages, he was my gay bestfriend in hospital. He informed me that a few of them are getting together on the 23rd at his apartment in Dublin. They meet up about once a month to see how everyone's doing.
It's not just people with eating disorders, it's also people with anxiety, depression, bipolar.
So I think I'm gonna go. It would be good for me I think.
I'm a little nervous to go to Dublin as that's where I used to use but he said he would meet me at the train station and I'd be with someone all the time.
He also told me that another lad who had been in with us had killed himself.
I was crushed to hear this. This lad was so sweet and he was one of the smartest people I have ever met.
I know he was in a lot of pain and I guess it just got too much for him.
I hope he is at peace now.
So yea, I think I'll go and meet them.
As I said before I have a bond with these people that will never be broken. They saw me at my very worst and helped me to recover. I have so much love and time for these people
I remember one time in particular, I overheard 2 nurses taking the piss out of me (I'll write about that some other time) I was so hurt and these people rallied around me and really got me through. We helped each other through all kinds of situations and still managed to have a laugh along the way
So that's decided then. I'm going.

I hadn't eaten anything all day by this stage but evenings are my worst binge/purge time.
I broke at about 7pm and drove to the shop to buy/steal binge food
You can guess how the rest of the evening panned out.

It's a beautiful day here today so even though I'm hungover from binging and purging I'm gonna go do the cat cliff walk at the beach nearby. My 2 dogs don't care that I'm hungover, they want to go walkies.

So I hope everyone's doing ok,
Thanks for reading this and much love to you xxx

10 comments:

  1. Just a quick comment to say thank you, thank you for all the support and the lovely comments you've left on my posts. It really means a lot someone's listening and pays such close attention. I'm not feeling great right now so i really appreciate it <3

    I wish I too could have a day free of thinking about, planning, avoiding, or bingeing on food. It would be great.

    xxxx

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    1. Thanks Gabrielle. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. If there's anything I can do let me know. Stay strong xxx

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  2. Sorry to hear about the late night binging. I know it must drive you insane but I don't have any advice to help. Sorry.

    The dress sounds lovely and yes I can not wait to see some photos of it.

    Glad it is another beautiful day outside. It is now cloudy here. Enjoy the rest of your day. See you tomorrow.

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    1. I will definitely post pictures after I get it altered xxx

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  3. I'm glad you found a great dress.
    Sorry to hear about your binge/purge night. I'm failing to quit too, after two days of trying to be 'normal' I cracked and had to get the food out of me.
    I hope everything goes well meeting with all those people. Stay strong, you can get there!!

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    1. Thank you, you always leave such lovely comments. I'm going to check out your blog today. xxx

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  4. Monsoon is amazing (too pricy for me though!), their clothes are such good quality. I am more of a Top Shop girl myself ;) I am glad you found a dress, getting a bit taken in won't be a big deal at all.

    I am off now to read more of your blog. I am sorry to hear things haven't been going well, I don't really have any useful advice unfortunately but *things*will*get*better. I hope you make it to the party btw, Dublin is a great spot!

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    1. Thanks strawberry and you are right hopefully things will get better xxx

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  5. Hun!! I am so thrilled that you found a dress, its lovely when you get a really good shop assistant who is helpful like that <3 will you post a pic of yourself in it if you feel comfortable?? No pressure, I just know you will look absolutely stunning in it. Getting it taken in will be fine, and Monsoon make such good quality clothes that it should be perfect when its all fitted to you. I do hope you are ok, and I am sorry to hear about your friend.. That is sad news to hear someone defeated like that, I am so glad that you decided to go - it is inspirational and hopefully it will be motivational to keep heading in the right direction. I am glad that someone will be with you at all times, please stick to that and keep yourself safe x

    I am proud of you, and I know that you can stop bingeing and purging and also the shoplifting.. We all slip up once in a while - dont beat yourself up about it too much.. I just dont want you to get hurt or caught hun xx

    Much love, Hope you have a nice evening and a lovely day tomorrow as I wont be able to blog until Tuesday <3

    Take care of yourself xxx

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  6. I will definitely post pics. Thanks for your sweet comment and for being there. xxx

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Thank you for leaving some love x